Friday, December 31, 2004
New Year's Crappin' Eve!
So - I'm supposed to be getting ready to go to Toronto for a fabulous party in the city with all of J's friends... and I don't want to go. Haven't wanted to go since I found out about it in November. Last night I finally sat down and wrote about it in my journal as it was keeping me up - too many thoughts rolling around in my head.
Let's list:
1) I just got had a great week away and am really glad to be home. Don't want to leave.
2) tired of 'partying' with J's friends.
3) punish him for DJing the party instead of being with me 100% - that's stupid anyway he never stays with me when we go out... that's not it.
4) Am I slipping into a low after a euphoric week. Am I tired of being around people. Too much, in too short a time...
5) New years is over-rated and it is ridiculous to pay $20 to get into a bar to see your friends you can talk to for free any other night of the year.
6) I don't want to be around drunk people again!!!
And at this point of the writing I started to cry!
So that's it! An emotional response. It is not that I am upset that I am unable to drink because of my medication, I just know that J's friends are idiots when they are drinking and really I don't want to do it again!
AND
As J is DJing the party, he is going to be busy and every one else is going to be drinking... and I will have to explain myself again.
J said that he would understand if I didn't go. We are coming back to the Falls tomorrow anyway, so he'll just come early morning by himself if I don't go tonight.
I'm supposed to be in T.O. around 5pm, which means I would have to leave here by 3:30 at the latest and I have no idea what to wear and I'm not showered or dressed yet either... AND i don't even know if I'm going.
This isn't helping me today!
Usually writing helps.
Today I'm only crying.
I know I don't want to go. But I feel obligated.
I want to see J. But I'll see him from across the bar and that's about it. And he'll be here tomorrow.
I'll have to put up with annoying drunk people and
a smoky bar as there's smoking allowed tonight because it's a private party. I hate that!
If I stay home - I'll be here alone - I love that!
Well George will be here but he's great company!
I have to drive into the city. IS that good, or bad? I don't know anymore.... The car is overdue for an oil change, and was before the drive to Windsor, will another 200K make a difference.
My psychiatrist would tell me to go!
I don't always have to take her advice!
Let's list:
1) I just got had a great week away and am really glad to be home. Don't want to leave.
2) tired of 'partying' with J's friends.
3) punish him for DJing the party instead of being with me 100% - that's stupid anyway he never stays with me when we go out... that's not it.
4) Am I slipping into a low after a euphoric week. Am I tired of being around people. Too much, in too short a time...
5) New years is over-rated and it is ridiculous to pay $20 to get into a bar to see your friends you can talk to for free any other night of the year.
6) I don't want to be around drunk people again!!!
And at this point of the writing I started to cry!
So that's it! An emotional response. It is not that I am upset that I am unable to drink because of my medication, I just know that J's friends are idiots when they are drinking and really I don't want to do it again!
AND
As J is DJing the party, he is going to be busy and every one else is going to be drinking... and I will have to explain myself again.
J said that he would understand if I didn't go. We are coming back to the Falls tomorrow anyway, so he'll just come early morning by himself if I don't go tonight.
I'm supposed to be in T.O. around 5pm, which means I would have to leave here by 3:30 at the latest and I have no idea what to wear and I'm not showered or dressed yet either... AND i don't even know if I'm going.
This isn't helping me today!
Usually writing helps.
Today I'm only crying.
I know I don't want to go. But I feel obligated.
I want to see J. But I'll see him from across the bar and that's about it. And he'll be here tomorrow.
I'll have to put up with annoying drunk people and
a smoky bar as there's smoking allowed tonight because it's a private party. I hate that!
If I stay home - I'll be here alone - I love that!
Well George will be here but he's great company!
I have to drive into the city. IS that good, or bad? I don't know anymore.... The car is overdue for an oil change, and was before the drive to Windsor, will another 200K make a difference.
My psychiatrist would tell me to go!
I don't always have to take her advice!
Dragonfly 12/31/2004 01:55:00 PM