... and into the Light

The visit with my friend from Newfoundland was amazing. We talked and lauged and cried and had a really great visit. It wasn't long. Her doctor's appointment was interesting and was both good and bad at the same time. She does not have a degenerative brain disease (MS, Parkinson's etc.) Which means the problems she is experiencing are psychosymatic. Her brain is creating them without her being consciously aware. She was deveastated as she had gone through psychological testing already. But we talked some more and she seemed a little more accepting. It is going to take a lot of time though.

Now my best friend. Whom I love.
Well - how to put it...
She's lazy...
She is more than happy to lie in bed and sleep all day and then she would say to me - you should have got me up. As if I am her Mom or sister or something. n It was very weird. I am a night person - but she is a crazy night person, she stays up until 4am, then sleeps til 2 or 3 if she doesn't have to work. Then she said that she overslept - but it was her choice to stay in bed.
I don't think I'm bitter - at least not about the sleeping part... we did have fun too.
We did some shopping, played cards, and watched movies.

Overall...
I had a quiet, relazing wekke away with family and friends. Read a little, watched a couple of movies, kept up with tv. Played a lot of "blego" with Julia (mega blocks lego - we can't figure out where the 'b' came from, and watched 'Shrek' 8 times.
It was a fun week.

I finally got to my brothers. Arrived just after 8pm tonight. My neice is adorable, she has brown curly hair that comes from my sister in law's side of the family but is absolutely adorable. And she is absolutely hilarious. She wanted to show me all of her toys befor I had even taken my coat off. She was fascinated with the "berd" as she says. "Aunt Nicole, look, a berd. Tweet, tweet." It is so funny. I forgot how good it feels to be called Aunt Nicole by a lttle voice - Robyn hasn't done that in years! Tomorrow should be a blast!

I can't sleep!
I have been up since 6am, extremely early for me since I rarely get up before 10am, and didn't go to bed until after midnite.

I am going to see my best friend(s) today. Deana is from Newfoundland and I haven't seen her in almost 5 years. We chat and e-mail but it really isn't the same. She is flying into London today for a doctors appointment (Yes they do have doctors in NFLD but the specialists there aren't special enough!) and it works out that I get to see her.

AND
My other best friend Lee lives in London so I get to see her as well. I haven't seen Lee since November of last year. We only live 2.5 hours apart but our schedules rarely match up. I guess that's why I am so excited. Mind you I am exhausted.

I think it may be a coffee day - one of my 3 a year! I guess I 'll be on the road earlier than I thought. Unless I don't get off the computer.

Thanks for the god parent idea.
If I ask George he just goes to his travel cage and asks for a ride - I don't think he cares who takes him as long as it involves a car ride!
So I should get going - he's excited too!

Blog you in a couple of days.

Certain things get you thinking.
Today I went to buy parrot food - cause the bird needs to eat. While at the pet store a fellow customer was asking the sales associate about birds and she mentioned their life span and leaving hers in her will.
It got me thinking.
I'm 30.
George is 38 (39 in January). He could live to be 100 and he will definetely need someone to buy his food for him for the rest of his life. He will never make any money (to supply his own food and toys), nor can I train him to clean up after himself (although vacuuming is entertainment enough for both of us.) Basically he is dependant on me. And I kinda like him. He amuses me! I like his giggle!

My plan is that one of my kids will inherit George after college like I inherited him. That way I can still visit him and be there to advise on his care... that sort of thing. BUT...

What if...

I'm going away this week (oh no... no computer til the weekend when I get to my brothers AAAHHH!!!)
What if I'm in an accident? Who will look after George? He's coming with me this week, of course. But he could survive. Should I trust him to my boyfriend? He adores the bird and wants one of his own, but I have reservations. He's not my family. Then there's my family. My brother just teases him, and they have a baby. My dad likes him, but then who takes him after my dad croaks. My sister is in Japan. My mom would take him back but then same problem as with my dad - what about after. It is a huge dilemna.

I think losing George is going to be as difficult as losing my best friend. This is a bird that talks to me, keeps me company, gives me kisses, travels with me, has an amazing personality and gets into everything. As Firefly says - he's my second half - we're one and the same. I love him! He can take on a cat and win. Hell - he can defend himself against my roommates black lab and win. And George is only 9 inches tall.
Who wouldn't love a pet like that!

Right now he's sleeping on his perch - but he was running around the couch - hard work for someone with 1 inch long legs.

He's cute.
I still don't know what if...

A long time ago, before the darkenss enveloped me fully I had the best friend a girl could have. We considered each other to be our female equivelant of soul mates and shared everything - including the wish for each others happiness in finding partners in life. There was a boy - a friend. He was a warrior. Joined the army out of High School and went to foreign countries keeping the peace and fighting for humanity in the amazing way that Canadians do (I have stories but they really turn this into a comedy!) We both loved him, he was athletic and sexy and stood for all that was good in a man. My friend believed that they were not meant to be together as their timing was always off. She wondered about the warrior and I.

One Saturday night, we all went out to celebrate our friendship. And to say farewell. The warrior was heading overseas again. The night was amazing. He drove me home. We sat in the driveway and talked for over an hour, the music was on, everything was perfect. And then it happened - we kissed. I'll never forget it. The problem was he was leaving, and wouldn't be back for 6 months. 'It wasn't fair for me to wait' he said. So he left and we still talked, wrote and I hoped.
When he got back we hung out, he came to visit me at school, but I never pushed it. It wasn't the right time. He was going away again. The army was his life - he liked to play with the guns.

My friend though, she believed that the warrior and I were soul mates and that I had to fight for him. She got sick and as she fought for survival (I swear this is a true story) she told me over and over that we were meant to be together. She made me promise to call him and tell him of her beliefs. On her death bed she reminded me of that promise. But by the time he returned home from overseas (again) and I heard from him again he told me that he had found a girl and was engaged. My heart broke that day... I hung up on him and wouldn't return his calls.

But I still wonder.

I did call him last summer.
My best friends daughter asked about the warrior, so I looked for him and called. He wasn't home, but his wife was. I left my name, he never called back. I'll call again at Christmas.

My dinner with the man...

was absolutely amazing!!!
I did not intend to actually talk to him about our relationship and what I need from him during dinner but the comment from Vegas was on my mind and as I was telling J about that blog - well... everything came out. The whole kit and caboodle.

He seemed very understanding and genuinely surprised when I told him that his actions contradicted his words. Telling me he loves me and wants to see me and spend all his time with me - then having plans change last minute and going out with the guys doesn't make me feel like I'm really that important.
We talked about the "pending engagement" and the hold-up, talking to my father etcetera. Nothing overly exciting about that.
I talked about other needs as well, can't remember the whole conversation, but it was intense and deep, and scary and necesary.
But he was great - he listened and was receptive and we had a great evening and a fabulous meal.

Then we hung out here for 3 whole days. It was amazing.

All in all, a good weekend.

And I get my anniversary dinner.
He's taking me to the Keg Mansion tomorrow for steak! I can't wait. Mind you I have no idea what I am going to wear.

I am going to take it easy tomorrow though. Now going to have a serious talk - I just want to enjoy dinner and being with J. Sunday I'll talk to him. Tell him what has been going on. Hey, I agree with Vegasguy - if he wants to be with me he'll become a man and smarten up. And my boy is older than him.


A total side note though.
I rented a good movie.
Interesting enough for me to not do puzzles and sit through the whole thing (a real feat lately).
The United States of Leland.
I wouldn't say it is one of my favorites but I liked it enough to recommend it enough!

Anywhoo...

Yeah! Steak!

Saturday night - what a night!
I did some thinking.
I did some writing.
I did my Tarot.
I talked to Firefly IRL.
And I feel as though I have some direction.

Basically I know I need to talk to J.
We need to discuss how I deserve to be treated and where our relationship is going. I want him to understand that if he lived alone I would be in T.O. with him rather than here in this basement.
I want to be around him so much I wouldn't stay here. I don't go see my own friends so I can see him, yet I don't get the same treatment.

I realize that I am my own worst enemy and instead of beating myself up about my relationship, I need to talk to the other person in the relationship. That way he knows what is going on too.

I was told that boys need to be told exactly what to do in a relationship and that they have no idea how to treat another human being. I hate the idea of having to train someone but after 2 years I think I may have to start opening my mouth.