... and into the Light

She is kind
generous
giving
funny
and she shares...

I owe her a lot.

She helped me move.
And loaned out her man for the day too.

She didn't let me kill my mom. (that's a big deal)

Moving...
well...
I have advice for anyone who is moving...

Hire movers...
it's easier.
You don't end up bruised.
And you don't exhaust your friends and family.

And...
They do all the heavy work.

Heavy work sucks.

I miss my DSL ... It got lost in the move...
OK.. It's broken and won't be fixed for a week...
now I have dial-up access until DSL is back...
DSL is way better.
I'm going to bed.
Cause the lack of multi-tasking capabilities is annoying me.

Remember Marshmallow Fluff.

That shit was the bomb!!!
on a peanut butter sandwich.
Oh yeah!


It's all gooey and good at the same time...
That makes absolutely no sense.
ah whatever...
I have to much to do to make sense...
and now I want to go to the store.
Cause I have No bread, peanut butter or Fluff...

the cupboards are bare...
at both this basement of dispair...

and the new home!

I was packing
OK... I'm always packing.. but whatev's
And I found a package of Miso soup.
And I was excited...
I did a little happy dance and everything.

So...

I took that little package to work today and I had Miso soup for lunch.

Now I'm hungry and have no damn Miso soup...
I should just go the the Asian foods convenience store around the corner, where I purchase said Miso soup... and buy more.
That would make sense...

But.. I'm in my Spongebob jammies.
I don't think they'd appreciate it that much.

I did nothing today.
and by nothing... I mean nothing.
I had movie after movie in the DVD player.
I managed to eat.
I posted a couple of blogs... too many apparently
I sat around.

I chatted with Firefly and BondGirl.

The only time I left the house was to go to school.
And...

I finally feel like I am relaxed.
I feel like I can face the world again.
Some of those overwhelming emotions are finally going away.
And I feel better.


I did realize something though.
Writing the meme is very refreshing.
it is a therapy like no other.
I am not a mean or vindictive person.
I have a hard time expressing anything negative to anyone that I care about.
And of all the things that I want to say to people I wrote things that I would never say to that person's face... As was the point of the whole meme.

Do I feel better?
Damn right!

I often write letters to people and don't mail them.
It is cleansing.
Refreshing.
Intense therapy.

The one thing I noticed while doing these meme's is that I have more friends than I give myself credit for and I do not spend enough time with them.
There is a small circle of people I see regularly but the others I don't see as often as I should.
Some is a distance thing.
There are a couple that are a work/days of issue.
And I do keep a strange schedule.

Are blogs supposed to make you think?
What is this?
A thinking post...
who does that?!

Here's something to think about...
did you ever think you have multiple personality disorder just because of the bizarre thoughts that pop into your brain? Then remember that if you had MPD you wouldn't be aware of the other personalities and you'd have so many more blackouts.
No.
OK
It's just me then.
Carry on.

OK...
so I already said I wanted to do more
And I have...
but it's just not the same you know...
so here I go.

11. If you want people to stop thinking you are a whore, stop acting like one. I do not want to hear about your 4 boyfriends and I think you are acting like a child... you are a mother for fuck's sake, start behaving like one.

12. You are a better friend to me than I am to you. Thanks.

13. Ever since I found out you were pregnant I have been laughing at you. When I found out you did it on purpose I had to stop. I think you are making a mistake. You are too selfish to be a good mother. You were too self-involved to look after your dog. And you have no patience for your nieces or nephews. You can't take this one home to go shopping or have a nap... It's yours forever.

14. If you aren't happy with the way your life is playing out then be the man and do something about it. But the child you aren't parenting cannot continue to raise itself and needs a parent. So either step up and do it as you agreed to do or bite the bullet and send her to someone who wants the job.

15. I would give anything to spend one more day with you. But the pain of having to let you go again would be too much for me to handle. I am sorry if I have disappointed you.

16. I am afraid that if and when we meet in real life you won't be my friend anymore.

17. You aren't as good a friend as you think you are. Even though you are honest, intuitive, logical and very intelligent, you are also cynical and undermining at the same time. Sometimes people just want someone to listen and "hold their hands" while they cry... I am aware that you aren't the type of person to do that but don't get angry when you have no idea what's going on in your friends lives when they stop telling you things. It's not always about you're finding a solution, sometimes it's just about venting.

18. You really are spoiled. Sometimes I think bad things keep happening to you to remind you that life isn't about being taken care of and being rescued. You have to work for it... Sorry.

19. You can't solve the worlds problems. Nor does anyone expect you too. Stop wallowing in self-pity and live already. And yes... I would be your friend, no matter what.

20. You make me laugh. Thanks... I hope our friendship is a lasting one.

I think that's all...
if it isn't too bad.
if you think something is directed at you... too bad.
It's a letter that says the things I could never say to anyones face.

Remember the intimacy of your first diary.
the thoughts placed there, so free and so uplifting.
The anger expressed, the joys, the loves and the mishaps of day to day living.
Then the discovery that your little brother has found your spare key, and the secret hiding place.

All those secret thoughts exposed.
So damning.
The equivalent of an emotional rape.

Then, along came the blog.
The electronic version of that childhood diary.
The secret got out, friends were told,
It was OK as long as friends remained friends.

What happens after a falling out.
What the rats and the mice need to escape.
You change your address.

So I did.

now certain family members won't be able to find my "diaries" anymore either... That's just fine with me.

it's like I found the perfect hiding place again.
And No one can find it.
Just to the lee of the stone.

Today's At the Gym I observed a gym bunny wearing the tank top with a tube top and who had The perfect hair. She spent 40 minutes following a guy around from machine to machine and fixing her hair while laughing really loudly at everything he said and drinking a lot of water... well.. she kept me very amused while I worked my butt off on the elliptical. And she never actually lifted a weight or got on a machine... unless she was resting on it.


I am stronger and have more endurance than I think... I wanted to stop my track training today with 3 laps to go... but told myself I could do it and pushed and sprinted the last running lap.. and I was done... I rock!


Then there was today at work. One of my favourite guys to work with saw me today for the first time since we switched says off... (so basically in at least 4 months) and he asked where the rest of me went. And then he said I look really good. I guess, I just needed that little ego boost. Sometimes it's nice to hear from someone you don't see all the time but you adore.

------

I really liked the meme that I got from Firefly. I could very easily write at least 7 more... maybe 10. It is cleansing and I feel better doing it. I'm still debating on whether or not to do it on the blog - I did it in my written journal though.


Falling asleep using medically prescribed aide is fine and dandy... but the exhaustion never really goes away. I'm still tired, I'm still grumpy and I am still a walking time-bomb of emotions waiting for someone to find my trigger and set me off... and I know it's coming. It's just a matter of where and when and who will be the recipient of the explosion, and whether or not it will be tears or a verbal assault of some sort.
Whoever it is will be surprised, that is for sure.

whenever you have a million things to write about you are sure to forget them all by the time you get home and sit at the computer.

who borrowed from O's

List ten things you want to say to ten people you know, but never will for whatever reason. Don’t say who they are. (I was confused by the term "people you know", so some of these would be directed to RL people--the rest would be directed to people I've met online. Sorry--no other clues!) Use each person only once.


1. I want to forgive you for leaving me. But then again, you had to make the choice that was best for you, at a time that was most difficult. Sorry it didn't work out for you and I hope the life you have found for yourself improves - eventually. Get off your pity horse and do something about it instead of expecting everyone else to fix it for you.
2. I know I hurt you and for that I am sorry, but I can't help but want to show you what you are missing now.
3. I bought the tickets you thought were free and you were an ass. Now I hate you and want to hit you every time I see you. And part of me still wants you.
4. You aren't as hot or as confident as you think.. and I can see right through you. Part of me pities the person you are as your unhappiness is showing.
5. I wish I could be as close to the friend to you that you are to me. Losing you would be harder than anything I have gone through before. You have no idea what our friendship means to me.
6. I'm tired of all the drama in your life and I think you need to grow up... please stop calling me. Because I can't handle your drama when mine is much more traumatic.
7. How come you love her instead of me?
8. I wish you would get the help you need too, before you make another big mistake, but the older you get the moreinterestingg your choices have become. And I'm kind of curious what you will do next.
9. You're children are spoiled and uncontrollable and I wish you luck with the spoiled bratty youths you will be raising. You brought this upon yourself.
10. I wish I had the courage to do half of what you have done in your life thus far. I envy you.