... and into the Light

I got my Baby back tonight!!!

So what?
I had to say 'good-bye' to the Magnum. It wasn't that hard. I even managed some fake enthusiasm for the people at Enterprise. Pretended I was sorry to see it go.

I enjoyed my time with the Magnum. But it certainly wasn't me.

My Neon, that is me.

And she's back.
And she's lovely.
And she works.

I am so happy.
I think I'll be able to sleep easier tonight!

I'm not evil
I'm not good

I'm not depressed
I'm not manic

I am tired
I am sunburnt
I worked all day and it was busy.

I saw MY car in the service yard waiting for it's radiator, all alone and it made my sad. I love my car. We have a bond, my neon and I. I hate seeing it broken and lonely.
Am I cheating on it with the Magnum? It sort of feels like it as I love driving it SSOOooo much...

Is this a post for dischord or do I have something else in my head to say...

Ahhh...
I'm too lazy to change it.

The funny thing is, I worked all day in a polyester shirt. My shoulders were ON FIRE because the seams were rubbing against my skin.
That wasn't the funny part though... I was thinking about how nice it would be to leave work and get in the magnum and drive home in just my tank top... windows down... stereo blasted...

Then I slammed my finger betwwen the drawer and the marble countertop...
That made the discomfort from my shirt completely leave my mind.

It was a great day.

The day was gorgeous.
95F in the shade.
75F in the pool.

The sun beating down from the sky, a few clouds floating lazily by.

I swear I put sunscreen on.
I really did.
Not fully on my back.
But I did my shoulders and my arms.
My neck and face.
My chest, too.

Now I am fried.
A over-done for my liking.

My ENTIRE back, my shoulders and my chest is very warm but not showing signs of the pink...yet!

oowwweee...

But I had fun.

****The drive was nice.
I love that car.

I have been tagged by my best friend (of all people.)
So thanks to Firefly I get to answer som questions about me for y'all to read. Have fun.

three names I go by/have gone by
1. I am taking the 5th on this one!
2.
3.

three screen names I use/have used
1. dragonfly
2. nikoll
3. (how sad... I have forgotten my previous secret identity... that deprogramming worked)

three physical things I like about myself
(other than sexual, but please answer as you see fit)
1. my hair - so healthy, no matter what I do to it.
2. my skin, I take care of it and it takes care of me... usually
3. my green eyes

three physical things I don't like about myself
1. my weight
2. my toes - they are weirdly shaped and stubby
3. my nails - brittle and break easily

three parts of my heritage
1. French
2. Canadian
3. seriously - over 100 years, both sides

three things that scare me
1. FROGS - Scream like a little girl, then cry. I am a freak...
2. mice - not a fan either, but not as bad as #1
3. being off my meds.

three everyday essentials
1. moisturizer - keeps me pretty
2. my necklace - makes me not feel naked
3. water - makes me human

three favorite bands/musical artists
1. BareNaked Ladies / The Vanity Project ~ I'll put them together
2. Sarah McLachlan
3. Jann Arden

three favorite songs (current favs)
1. Pieces - Sum 41
2. So.Cal. - The Vanity Project (Steven Page)
3. Glitterbug - The Vanity Project

three things I want in a relationship
1. trust
2. honesty
3. best friend

three truths about me in no particular order
1. I am a very independent person
2. I don't like to ask for help
3. I don't like my job

three lies about me
1. I need a man to be happy
2. I would be fine without my pets
3. I am ok being bi-polar

three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me.
1. smile
2. eyes
3. ass

three favorite hobbies
1. blogging
2. playing Sims on PS2
3. reading

3 things I want to do really badly right now
1. take an advil and go to bed
2. take a cold shower
3. lose 40 more pounds

three careers I've considered/am considering
1. counselling
2. professional blogger
3. published author

three places I want to vacation
1. New Orleans
2. Japan (cause my sister is there)
3. Australia

three kid's names I like
1. Julia
2. Jacob
3. Simon

three things I wanna do before I die
1. fall in love (really) and get married
2. run a marathon
3. write a novel and publish it!

three ways I'm stereotypically a boy/girl
1. I love skirts and dresses
2. I hate dishes in the sink
3. I love to cook

three celeb crushes
1. Steven Page (duh - everyone knows about that one!)
2. Brad Pitt
3. Angelina Jolie (Scary that the last two ended up together...)

People I want to see take this survey: I choose to end the cycle. enough already.

We were sitting around the table.
All of us.
Waiting for the LVPD's Finest to finish their work.
Grissom and Eric were working diligently collecting evidence after the dog attack that interupted our BlogCom.

Paige, Sandra, Hof and I were sitting chatting aroung a table piled high with food (that none of us were touching) talking about our theme songs.
I don't know were the others had gone, but I know they were there. I just couldn't see them from where I was sitting.




Why was I dreaming about C.S.I and a bloggercon at the same time?

Is that weird?

I know I am.

It all began yesterday, shortly after leaving work.
For the full story visit My Life... Chaotic Dischord.

I was having a wee problen with my car, thought I had it under cintrol, realized I was wrong (as I saw the trail of Fluid leading from my car, down the driveway, the arch where I had reversed on the street into the driveway and down the street).

Not a good sign at all.

I then hit panic...
full panic.
had a wee cry.

called to see if my warranty covered towing in this instance (it did), that was one good sign. So I collected all the papers I thought I would need and took an anxiety pill and went to bed.

I got up at 7am, called the dealership, then called the tow truck to take my car in.

Tow truck guy was nice...

The dealership service guy, Mike, was sympathetic too. Understood how I felt.
The worst is the "DF, we need to talk." As he sits down beside me.
"You need a new rad."
me - "What?"
Mike - "A Radiator."
me - "I know what a rad is Mike, but I came here because my transmission is leaking fluid. What does that have to do with my rad."

At that point he tried to explain it to me, but I was trying not to smack him because he was giving me that 'woman, don't know anything about cars' look.
Then he said "warranty" "fully covered" "Called Enterprise, that's covered too. Sit tight."

Then he went away.

'Wait' I wanted to yell. 'I promise I'll listen now.' Then another mechanic came in and asked if I wanted anything from my car...
oh - no... I didn't!
YUP... back into girl mode...
"My CD..."
So I went and got my Vanity Project CD (because god forbid I live without it for the weekend)... oh and I grabbed sunglasses too!

The enterprise girl, Kat, picked me up...
in a Dodge Magnum.
"Is this my car?"
"probably not" she says.
But after getting to the dealership and figuring out what was on the lot and what I drive and how things work, I left there with that very cool, sweet car...
Yup I am driving a DODGE MAGNUM for the weekend.
and I don't have to pay for it.

I really like this deal.

I kind of hope my car takes a couple of extra days to get fixed.
I mean I love my car.
But the Magnum...
Oh... that is a sweet ride.

Oh and for the record.
I returned to normal around 2pm.
My brain waves have resumed normal function and I can answer most questions quickly and coherently. Girl mode did not last all day.

Although, I still get a little excited when I think about the Magnum.

It's too bad I have to drive to Burlington for a family thing tomorrow... a sacrifice, driving that sweet, sweet car.
I guess I will have to suffer.
Not in silence though... it has a really nice stereo.

Apparently she has recovered quite nicley from her little 'surgury' and has returned to her usual, playful self.

So far in the las t 20 minutes she has been under the futon cover, chased the parrot across the living room, ran laps and stared at the shadows in the corner. Oh... and she is completely fascinated with the carpeting in the corner beside the computer.

Now she is on the back of my desk chair...
That will last 3 minutes.
MAYBE!

It was the longest, most monotonous, surliest, dismally melancholy day at work I had ever experienced.
Tuesday, June 21st, 2005 will go down as the worst day ever.

Why?
Why? You really have to ask!
Have you all forgotten?
Have you all gone out of your minds.
Did you forget that I have been sitting patiently, in quiet anticipation, for the release of 'The Vanity Project'?

It was all I could do to stay at work my alloted 8 hours yesterday.
8 hours!
A bizarre form of torture if you ask me.
But I did it.

And I had to go to the mall to get MY cd...
I loathe the mall.

I got it home.
Curled up on the couch and...
listened to the sweet soothing sounds of Steven Page wafting through my living room.

The CD is very mellow. Much more acoustic than BNL stuff, very earthy and bluesy at the same time. There are a couple upbeat songs and I have already developed a couple faves.

One, 'Glitterbug', speaks directly too me.
I often wonder if Steven Page is bi-polar or depressive as his music (both BNL and now the VP) has songs that describe the inner workings of that state of mind. (I know, I live there).
The song Glitterbug, would be exactly what I would want my mate, best friend, lover to say to me to show that he understands and really does care.

Glitterbug:

Glitterbug with your mind everywhere,/ I'm anywhere you want me to be / Take your time, but take care / For in the end we're all history / Don't be shy - let everyone, / Or me, at least, inside / You'll be fine; you'll be fine in the morning, sunshine / Fine, you will find if you're mine you might be free / We shall see / Glitterbug with your eyes through the grey / There's something I need you to say / Could be Hi, go away, / Or anything that makes it okay / From the ground you are the only / Star that shines tonight / If you go you will know that you'll shine forever / Come, if you're mine you will shine eternaly / Wait and see / From the bar to the stars / Through the haze of a thousand wasted days / You must be tired; you've burned so bright. / So goodnight, goodnight Glitterbug

Words and music by Stephen Duffy and Steven Page (SOCAN)


If I could I would download it for you.
But there is a link.
I haven't gone there yet.
It is on my list of things to do tonight.

So I'll post it now...

The Vanity Project

No Idea where it goes...
I'll be back.

I finally got a hold of my dad.
Funny man, that one.

As it turns out, the relative who spoke to my best friend had the story wrong. The EX hadn't asked my dad yet, but my father was expecting it as J and I had talked about it and I had told my dad about it...
He mentioned it to my relative who then elaborated on the story.

But how I wish that it had become the best breakup burn ever...

oh well.
It is still pretty funny!

That is all!

I swore I wasn't going to write about it any more.
But yesterday was such an amazing day that I just have to share.

Two months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. A long distance relationship.

during the entire time we dated I was very aware of my finances. I knew approximately how much money I had in my account and how much room I had to play with every month. In the middle of the month I knew there would be enough money to cover my bills at the end of the month.

Yesterday was Payday. I called to check my account balance. The amount of money in my account far exceeded my usual expectations.

Panic almost set in. Right after a moment of confusion (?What? Is that right?)So I check to see that everything is in order... bills paid, direct withdrawals...withdrawn... nothing out of the ordinary.) I realized that NOT driving to Toronto ($40/week), and NOT spending $100/week on groceries and eating out has made a significant improvement on my account balance.

A big enough improvement, that this will be the first month in 3 years that I won't have to pay the service fee on my CHEQUING account as I have a large enough bvalance that it negates the fee... WHOOHOO!!!!


The interesting thing about the break-up is that it took me a while to tell family and most found out in e-mails and through other family.

My bestfriend was at her cottage and was approached by a relative who asked her what had happened between my EX and myself. Her response was "different people, different lifestyles, didn't work out. Besides, he's an idiot."
*(I love her honesty the first part says it the best as far as I'm concerned... really.) My relative then proceeds to tell her that he drove down to talk to my Dad and asked for permission to marry me.

My first thought was RELIEF.
I got out of that relationship at just the right time.
Then I started to laugh...
Does this mean he is stuck with a ring?

Seriously?
I laughed and laughed.
I didn't realize how happy I was being single until yesterday.
And I was to scattered and emotional to write about it...

So even though I promised myself I wouldn't write about him.
I have.
But I had to.

I made a life changing decision.
And things keep happening that PROVE to me that I made the right one.
AND it feels so good!

The first time I heard him sing my knees got weak and my stomach filled with butterflies. There were goosebumps on my arms and legs and the hair on the back of my neck was standing up... (pretty amazing as I don't have a lot of hair there!)

Even today, 18 years later, whenever I hear 'Lovers in A Dangerous Time' I still get that same feeling, that same thrill, and excitment.

I love my boys.

Now I have two things to look forward too.

Tuesday the 21st, Steven Pages solo Album, The Vanity Project is being released.

I will be picking it up.
I am too excited for words.

September 3rd I am seeing him play in Niagara on the Lake. A solo, acoustic show.
So very excited.

Is it bad to wish for the summer to disappear so that I can go to the concert now?
Cause that's what I do everytime I open my fridge. (the ticket confirmation is on the fridge. I need that to go to the show - and MY credit card - so don't get any ideas Firefly!!)

Is it Tuesday yet!?!
Is it September yet?

It is going to be a long summer.

I remember when she was short enough to walk under the kitchen table (without hitting her head). It was a time of wonder and delight. Learning to thumbs up made her giggle for an hour, using it right made us laugh out loud.
The feel of the wind rushing past the car window would make her stop crying - she loved to stick her hand out there (and she could just reach from her car seat). I loved the way she would tuck her hand into her armpit to warm it up and then beg 'no' when asked if we could close the window because she (and we) were cold.

Dressing her as a pumpkin for Halloween and then putting her pink winter coat overtop because it wouldn't fit underneath. But how adorable the hat looked...

Now she's growing up.
She's wearing dark colours, clothes that are too big, and too baggy. Secret phone conversations and making plans that don't include Dad (or DF). She even goes to the store on her own now (something I had a hard time with the first time, but now I love!!)

She has posters on her walls - her 'famous' best friends: Brittany, Avril, MaryKate and Ashley, JoJo, Ashley, and Hillary. She even refers to them by their first names.
Then there's the Cream of the Crop. The ONE!!! Chad!!! yes, Chad Michael Murray.

The First Crush!
The only boy she likes.
The first boy cute enough to appear on her wall.
She won't even talk about why she likes him.
"He's in a few movies, you know. He was in that one with Hillary. You saw it DF." Then she rolled her eyes.
Oh... the misery... having to explain herself.

That's why I ask questions.
It's my job to bug her.
I always have.
I always will.
I do it best.

(I wrote this after my last trip to see R. It's one of the stack...)

Today my psychiatrist asked me if I was interested in any one. When I told her about a crush I had, but which was "misdirected" (there is a post written but not typed on this - patience please, dear readers), she suggested that I have a rebound affair... BUT not with someone I work with as it would not work out. Then, she said, I could actively pursue another relationship.

She agreed with my observations that I am busy and have plenty to do, even if it seems boring. She warned me against taking on too much, and wants me to make sure I leave enough time for ME. My mental health is VERY important to me (and her). Apparently that should be a priority too... Good to know, I say.

I just couldn't believe I got 'permission' to have an affair from my doctor. That is too funny!

Yesterday I posted that I lead a boring life, but that I am content.
Firefly challenged me "to post what you think would make your life exciting - and then admit if it is truely feesable - or just fantasy"...

Upon thinking about this, I realize that boring is truly the wrong word. I am busy. I just don't feel I ACCOMLPISH anything worthwhile. I see and talk to friends. I work my 40 hours a week. I attempt to keep my apartment clean. I get enough sleep. I ensure that my animals are happy and healthy and get enough attention.
I guess what would make my life truly exciting would be all of this AND taking a class (learning something), writing that novel like I have always wanted too, finding a hobby (golf) or getting a gym membership and actually using it.
How about doing something to improve me for once?
I think I deserve that.

You tell me, is this feasible?

Mind you, weekends seem to be pretty busy right now and they do book up quickly. I don't know if eveyone wants to keep me occupied or what but I seem very popular right now, too!! Woohoo!

I feel like I am making up for lost time.
I've written many posts.
I've had a lot to say.
Mostly about little things.
I just haven't had the time to get on-line and do it.

So tonight even though I have MANY other things to do I have decided to spend some of my precious time on my blog.

It is funny, thinking about it, I don't even know what keeps me so busy. Work, sleep, the critters, trying to keep the house clean (notice I said trying) and catching up with friends is about all I do - but apparently, it is enough.
The TV is on for the bird, not for me. If I am lucky I'll get to play the PS2 (I got a new game.)

I lead a boring life.
And I am content.
This is the new me...
Can you handle it?

By the way, thanks to Firefly for all your time and effort into my recent blog changes and updates - you've been a Godsend! I am so looking forward to our date on Saturday;)

For years we have wondered how to get people to stop smoking in the casino.
Today I was given the answer, by a smoker, no less.

Here is the conversation:

man: Is there no smoking in here anymore?
DF: Well, there is. But no one seems to be at the moment. (and I smile)
man: Well. There's no ashtray's!
And he storms away.

I thought about it, and decided not to call anyone. It was a non-smoky kind of morning. Nice!

***Mind you, we did have to call eventually. People were scurrying around trying to find ashtray's holding hot ashes in their hands. I didn't feel bad... but it was kind of pathetic (and bad customer service).

7:10 - Up early. Mini celebration as yesterday's migraine just a mildly irritating headache.

shower, dress for work

7:50 - Play with bird. EEwww - he needs a bath so I stick him in the shower. WHAT?!? He wants to be in there? Stupid bird, Yes you are pretty and happy now! Wow, listen to him sing! Poor Buttercup has to listen to that when I go to work *insert evil giggle*

8:10 - check e-mail. 10 messages! What? Curse last nights migraine one more time. I wanted to blog not e-mail... oh well not time for blog.

10:10 - At work now - Since leaving the house I have avoided a major hole in the road outside of work (stupid construction), had toast, and thrown a mini hissy fit (Stupid, boring carousel! Alone all day, don't wanna be here but I'll get to hand write posts - as long as I have time to type them... the pile keeps getting bigger!)

10:30 - realize forgot to moisturize face - so much for getting up early.
Write HaHaHa post

11:00 - watched lady fall off a chair then knock another chair onto herself. Not funny - but giggled anyway!
11:05 - scrape tape off counters. Wonder what is wrong with the people I work with. The counters aren't going to blow away.

12:30 - Lunch time. Yummy turkey wrap, my new favoutite. I load them to the brim with veggies. Contemplate treat for dessert - stupid migraine... playing with my appetite. Go back to work bitter and dessertless

1:00 - back upstairs now... Wow... a magazine from 2003. Exciting. I'll read that.

1:15 to 1:30 - busy moment that doesn't last. Back to that magazine... So bored... write another post.

2:40 - Think about curling up for a nap in the corner. Decide against it - although realization that loosing job means opportunity for many naps does cross my mind. Look at shoes instead. Decide must purchase new shoes. Put on mental list of things to do on Friday.

3:15 - Second Break. Want another wrap. Have yoghurt and watermellon instead. Complain about how boring carousel is... the girls complain about supervisors. I win!

3:50 to 4:10 - Another busy spell. Now I really need a nap! There isn't any eye candy in this section either - stupid nickel section, full of old people. Why won't someone else fall off a chair?

FINALLY
6:30 - HOME TIME!!! Yippee!! I am free!

I wouldn't exactly describe this week as fun, but it most certainly has been busy and tiring.

I have gotten into a routine that includes work, sleep and the animals. Catching up with friends and the occasional trip out of doors. I am hoping to increase the trips outside and the visiting with friends as well. I just need to catch up on sleep... work is exhausting.

The cat still has not recovered from Friday's trip to the vet... she keeps puking now, and is hardly eating. I am hoping she gets over the vaccinations soon as she goes for her surgery on the 14th. (I am a mean Mom).

This weekend will be exciting and super busy as R has her dance recital. I promised I would be there, so I head out in the morning. Then my cousin's baby shower is Saturday afternoon so I am off to that...

I am having dinner with my Newfoundland friend Saturday night as she is visiting as well...

Oh my...
Is busy the right word?