... and into the Light

Remember in Elementary school when you had to write a speech and say it infront of the whole class.
There were kids who could get up there and be animated and smile and look at everyone while recounting their entire speech from memory.
I hated those kids.
I was that kid who passed out and hit my head on the blackboard and had to be taken out of class (that was grade 8).
In Grade 6, I spent the entire time shaking with tears running down my face and only the 3 people sitting directly infront of me could hear me.
I'm pretty sure I refused to do one in Grade 7.
Either that I have blocked the whole ordeal from my memory.

My French class has 2 oral presentations.
2!!!
It's like my own personal hell!
I am aware that I took radio broadcasting in college and that speaking infront of people should be no big deal... But in radio you are sitting in a little room all alone with a microphone, PRETENDING to talk to people... There is a difference.
And I work with the public, but it is a controlled environment and I only have to talk to one or 2 people at a time, and only about specific work related issues... It is clearly not the same thing as standing, vulnerable infront of a group of people who are staring at you waiting for you tell them something very important - or, to make a complete and total ass of yourself!
Whichever comes first.

Wednesday night was the first of my 2 presentations.
I picked my topic MONTHS ago... I decided to talk about George.
I even had Firefly come take pictures of him to bring to class for proof that he really exists. (Thanks again, Babe)
I puked before leaving the house.
I was in tears on the way to the school.
I was using my cognitive therapy skills taught to my by my therapist(s) in a valiant attempt at calming myself down.
I was telling myself that I am perfectly capable of doing this and that I can tell the class all about George.
I was also trying to convince my stomach that the rest of dinner could stay in it, as it wanted to meet the side of the road.

Needless to say it was an interesting trip to school.

I got to my class and was talking to a couple of the other students, turns out I was not the only one who was anxious.
The funniest thing about this is that I am the one in the class with the most French background and the one most look to for guidance. There were a few really looking forward to my presentation.
Just not me.
I had to be convinced to go up there by my deskmate.
After she did hers and after the guy behind us did his.
I was shaking like a leaf, took a minute to collect myself before I could speak, then started.
My hands were shaking so bad I couldn't read my paper and I had to put Georges picture down as no one could see it, it was almost flying... hehehe

But I did it.
Then I sat.
And I giggled.
I got hyper after the stress and anxiety left me.
I even managed to convince a couple of other people to go.

I know I will be just as nervous for the second presentation.
This is normal for me.
I am just proud of myself for getting through it.
And for taking the class knowing there would be public speaking in it... it is one of the things that has stopped me from taking classes for so long.

Now, if only I could decide what to talk about for presentation number 2!!

The last 3 weeks have been nice.
I've had a little more time.
Time spent with Friends.
Hanging out, going to dinner, that sort of thing.
An extra evening to have for myself.

But that is ending.
I only had it because college teachers in Ontario went on strike.
Now they are being forced back to work after almost 3 weeks.
And I have to go back to class.
I have homework to finish, and an oral presentation to prepare for.
The presentation is written, just not practiced... I loathe speaking infront of groups, I'd rather be in a little room with a microphone where no one can see me!!!

The funny thing is... this class takes up 3 hours a week. And about an hour for homework. I just enjoy the extra time Wednesday nights for myself. Or going to see Firefly and not having to rush home...

The free time was splendid.
I'm glad I didn't let it go to waste.

Although... I probably should have worked a little on my homework, and gone over my notes a couple of times, but... ah? C'est la vie!

Have you ever had so much to say... But no idea how to say it.
Or the inability to put it in words.

I could vent and bitch about work... But it isn't important.

I could talk of the latest news with my cat and the allergies/asthma. But nothing is set, nothing has changed, it isn't worth the words.

My sister is home from Japan. She sent me a package before she moved back to Canada. I received it the same day her plane landed in Toronto. Ok.. That's just funny... But it had candy, and a microphone and tea, and stew and curry in it!!!! YUMMY!!!

I have a lot going on.. No time to do anything and so much to say... But there are eyes and ears out there... It's a conspiracy.
HEHEHE

Surprisingly enough I was caught of guard by a "friend" at work. I wouldn't call her a close frined, more of an aquaintance, but I've known her for years, and I've seen her lose weight, lose her husband, gain the weight back (plus 30 pounds or more) and find a new man. But she caught me off guard nonetheless.

She wanted to talk to me about how "skinny" I have become.
She thinks I am too thin.
And she is concerned.
I explained that I am eating properly, I excercise and I feel great.
I am looking after myself.
I also said that I have a layer of fat still too and I am not quite finished yet (just to give her a heads up).
She said - but you've lost so much weight so quickly.
I said that I have been at this since December of 2004... over a year now.. I don't think that that is too quickly...
I did tell her I appreciated her concern though.

My supervisor agreed with me that I had more to go, and that I wasn't done yet... then laughed and said.. NO I don't think you are fat.. I just understand what you meant when you said you have a layer of fat...

We both agreed that this "friend" might simply be jealous. I would love for her to start looking after herself again. There is a genuine concern about this girls overall health and others believe I should have defensive with her and tactfully told her to look after herself and start exercising and watching her diet!

But I took the "grown-up" approach.
Weird!

It all happened very quickly.
I arrived at my friend, Mel's house after surviving a torturous day at work.
I changed, then we jumped into my car and drove the 20 minutes to Lee's Garden in Fort Erie for my Hot and Sour Soup.
I had remembered to grab the camera before leaving the house this morning, I even showed it to Mel at her house to once again prove to her how much of a geek I really am...
I wanted to take a picture of the soup to post on my blog... before we started eating.. and of the empty bowl.
But, by the time it got to the table, I had forgotten about the camera, the excitement and anticipation had taken over.
So no pictures to upload. (It would have been my first attempt absolutely on my own... FF would have been so proud!)

The soup was great.. The waiter was impressed we ate the whole bowl.
I should be good now for a while.
I hope!)

It's been a long time since I had it.
In fact, it's been over a year since I had the real thing.
And I have such a strong urge I have started dreaming about it...

the dream begins in the restaurant... Being seated at a community table.
There are 3 people already there, Asian women, jabbering to one another, they bow their heads in greeting to my mother and me.
I place my order immediately.

'One large Hot and Sour Soup, please.'

The ladies at the table all nod their heads in agreement.
They understand.

I awake shaking my head.
Why would I dream about going with my mother, I do have other friends!
Really... That's just weird.

Instead I am going out tomorrow night with a friend from work.
I am truly STARVING right now.. Because nothing is hitting the spot, I am grumpy and irritable and want it to be tomorrow now!

Cause all I want it hot and sour soup.

I did something today that I never thought I would ever do.
I paid off the smaller of my 2 student loans.

I'm kind of proud of myself...
Of course the bank teller really appreciated the payment being in rolled coin from my tips at work!!!!
But I only have one student loan now, instead of two...

Oh.. and I found out I have 46 more months of payments on the remaining loan!!!!
WHOOHOO!!!!
Crazy... being as I graduated 8 1/2 years ago... but whatever.

It isn't getting any easier.

The cat was living upstairs temporarily. When BC's cat had her kittens, Shadow decided to go snakey and started hissing and attempted to chase the new mom. BC and I were worried that Shadow would attack the babies too so I brought Shadow back home. But she is being locked out of my bedroom... And therefore out of my bed. She is a little cuddlier now though... I guess she missed me.

My breathing had improved after the allergy medication left my system. Then I got the cat back. Now I am congested again. It's never ending. I'm itchier too. I know I can adjust to not having her, and I did spend more time with George.. I am just unsure what to do. I may leave it up to the girl that wanted to take her.. If she wants her and her boyfriend is willing to take her than they can have her. But I may not. AAAAAHHHH!!!! (OK - I feel better now)

My bedroom is freezing cold with having the door closed all the time!


I bought the Post Secret book... Very insightful.

Maggie seems to have recovered from her temper tantrum.
I am going to get her a nice cleaning on Wednesday... Just so she knows there are no hard feelings! hehehe

It has definitely been an interesting couple of weeks.
I do hope things return to "normal" soon...
the daily workouts, the normal breathing, the cat stuff.. You know... NORMAL.. As normal as things can be for me anyway!

Okay.. On a positive note - I am still alive. I feel like I have been wrapped in constraints and held underwater for the last day and a half but - HEY...It's all good!
The allergy medicine the doctor gave me, well, it sucks... My lungs hurt, and it's hard to breathe. So I consulted the pharmacist (as the Dr's office was closed for the day when I called on my break), he told me not to take it for the weekend and to call the doctor on Monday. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.

In the meantime...
I may have found a permanent home for Shadow.
I adore my cat.
I don't want to give her up.
Unfortunately these are the decisions that I have to make for my own health... My mental well-being isn't too happy about it, but I am getting better.
I do not like what I have to do.
Sacrifice is a necessary part of life, I believe.

I was thinking (a dangerous past-time) I know... That I have other options, there is a spray that removes dander allergins from the cat if you are allergic.. I could look into that.
I have a really good vacuum and I wash my sheets and blankets regularly. I could banish her from the bedroom.
There are alternatives to giving her away.
But I will survive without her, life does go on.

What if I am the biggest hypochondriac there is? And the symptoms I am experiencing are all in my head? Just because the doctor told me I have asthma, suddenly I am having breathing problems. Am I going to turn psychotic too?
That's next on my list...
Back off work, living in a bubble, so nothing can affect me...

Good god...
Maybe then people will have to visit me, we can play Trivial Pursuit and argue about Moops.
That would be a good life.
I could pull it off right now too...
All because I was told I am allergic to cats and dogs and I have asthma.

gggrrrr...

sometimes, I hate my life.

A supervisor (friend) asked me what was wrong today. When I told her the situation she said "Oh My God? DO you need anything else wrong with you? Haven't you got enough?"
It wasn't meant to be mean, she was genuinely concerned and figures I have enough on my plate to add one more thing.. And I have to agree. I got along well enough before, why add one more thing!?! Is it really too much to ask? Can I call the doctor a quack, tell him he's making shit up and ignore everything he said?
Cause that's about the only way I will feel better.
I just want it all to end.
And go back to the way it was.
I'll give up the cat, to not have asthma.
Does that work?

oh...
aaahhh... forget it!

Imagine finding out, after years of believing one thing, that all you had ever known was not as you had been thought.

Confused?

For years now, I was led to believe that I had allergies... dust, feathers, trees, grass, perfume.
As it turns out, I don't.
I may have asthma.
The severity of which is unknown, but it is triggered by common household allergens, like dust, smoke, perfume and grass.

I always associated my breathing problems with being overweight and with my not exercising. Naturally... why wouldn't I. I seemed to be a pretty good excuse and it didn't bother me too much.
I guess I was wrong. Very wrong. I go for more testing in a couple of weeks.

In the meantime... I have a problem.
I do have an allergy.
I am allergic to cats and dogs. The doctor is concerned that it can affect my breathing too.

I am trying to be positive, but I have not had Shadow for 30 minutes now and I am unable to stop crying.
I originally got her so I would have someone to sleep with, I guess now I have no excuse... I need me a man!

My Best Friend came to see me today. Yup, Firefly, you got fully capitalized today!!
We went shopping.
A usually hated event for me.
But with a Best Friend it is much more fun.
There was even some name calling as Firefly and I reached for the same clothes and the same sizes.
It almost got nasty I think.
Luckily I like different colours than she does...

I found the cutest shoes.
And some really great pants... (and got called a bad name for those too).
And lipgloss for $1. I love it!

Oh...

my point.
I do have one.
Or I did...

I have always detested shopping because I could never find anything I liked in my size.
Now I have no idea what I like, and have no idea what to even look for.
There are so many options.

But today was fun.
Not long enough...
and I never thought I would say that!

Thanks FF!!!