... and into the Light

Actually, it's not crappin' any more.
I didn't go.
I decided to listen to my heart, and stomach, and my head and not go.
And
much to my surprise, my boyfriend even said that it was causing me too much stress and I should stay home. He said he'll catch the early train to see me in the morning and I'll see him then.

So here I am.
Alone.

I'm pretty good actually.

I went to get a sub, and the sandwich artist and I got talking and he forgot to put the chicken on my sub, so I had to go back. That was prety funny. But I got a free Pop out of the trip. It is a good thing Subway is just around the corner or I would have been mad.

My roommate thinks I shouldn't be alone on New Years Eve and wants me to go to her Dad's bar where she is bartending tonight. There's a free buffet (really good chicken) and she said I can just hang out... but I can hang out in comfort and my pj's at home... and watch movies curled up in a blanket. Do you know how long it's been since I've done that?

But... do I want to appease T... just to keep her off my back... I don't care that much really.
The chicken is good... but I'm not hungry.

Besides a Harry Potter marathon is just what I had in mind and it's already on the go!

I think I'll stay in!
I'm happy here!

So - I'm supposed to be getting ready to go to Toronto for a fabulous party in the city with all of J's friends... and I don't want to go. Haven't wanted to go since I found out about it in November. Last night I finally sat down and wrote about it in my journal as it was keeping me up - too many thoughts rolling around in my head.

Let's list:
1) I just got had a great week away and am really glad to be home. Don't want to leave.
2) tired of 'partying' with J's friends.
3) punish him for DJing the party instead of being with me 100% - that's stupid anyway he never stays with me when we go out... that's not it.
4) Am I slipping into a low after a euphoric week. Am I tired of being around people. Too much, in too short a time...
5) New years is over-rated and it is ridiculous to pay $20 to get into a bar to see your friends you can talk to for free any other night of the year.
6) I don't want to be around drunk people again!!!

And at this point of the writing I started to cry!
So that's it! An emotional response. It is not that I am upset that I am unable to drink because of my medication, I just know that J's friends are idiots when they are drinking and really I don't want to do it again!
AND
As J is DJing the party, he is going to be busy and every one else is going to be drinking... and I will have to explain myself again.

J said that he would understand if I didn't go. We are coming back to the Falls tomorrow anyway, so he'll just come early morning by himself if I don't go tonight.

I'm supposed to be in T.O. around 5pm, which means I would have to leave here by 3:30 at the latest and I have no idea what to wear and I'm not showered or dressed yet either... AND i don't even know if I'm going.

This isn't helping me today!
Usually writing helps.
Today I'm only crying.

I know I don't want to go. But I feel obligated.

I want to see J. But I'll see him from across the bar and that's about it. And he'll be here tomorrow.

I'll have to put up with annoying drunk people and
a smoky bar as there's smoking allowed tonight because it's a private party. I hate that!

If I stay home - I'll be here alone - I love that!
Well George will be here but he's great company!

I have to drive into the city. IS that good, or bad? I don't know anymore.... The car is overdue for an oil change, and was before the drive to Windsor, will another 200K make a difference.

My psychiatrist would tell me to go!

I don't always have to take her advice!

And it was a really good week!

I ate too much...
Got aa bar of soap from Jared's Mom, and a box of crackers (I called her a geek, it was funny). I also got my Simpson's Season 5 and Tiger Woods 2005 for the PS2, and for that I am very happy!

All in all it was a good time.

Jared was happy too. He got what he wanted without having to ask for it!

My Mom wasn't too bad.
I didn't want to kill her although I did want to tell her off - she's very negative. But she arrived alive and I got to see my neice. She is adorable and funny!

I am exhausted and want to shower before I go to bed.

G'nite fore now!

DF

I am a huge procrastinator. I am supposed to be getting ready to go to J's house for Christmas and so far... well... I've changed the bottom of the bird cage, vacuumed, cleaned his perches, played Hearts on the computer for probably 3 hours and then decided I should check my e-mail before packing, just in case... then I realized I was procrastinating and since I was already logged on to the computer decided to check my blog and write - so here I am... wasting time.

I realize it is that I really don't want to go.
The excuses are many... and are stupid. I really don't want the presents. Except for the Simpson's Season 5 (which if I don't get I'll be really ticked off). But other than that I really don't care. If it wasn't Christmas I would already own it!!! Stupid Christmas makes me wait to get the things I really want...
I don't like the whole family thing, everyone sitting around for 3 hours opening one gift at a time only to find it is a bar of soap. (I swear I opened a bar of soap last year).
I just prefer the sanctity of my house, where I am not forced to act like everything is perfect and that I am a normal functional human being, especially since right now I don't feel that way.

I am not looking forward to the drive. The weather sucks. I can handle it, of course, but I'd rather not go at all. All my stuff is here, my comfort, my relaxation, my coziness. I don't feel that at J's house. My brother's is great. I am looking forward to going there.

I also miss my bed when I am gone.
I like my bed.
It is... my safety, comfort and my solace.

I should go pack...
How am I going to get every thing in the car... the bird cage takes up half the back seat. Plus his perch, my bag, the presents, his food and toys, my pillow, and I own a NEON!!! The trip to Windsor will be fun, add my Mom and J, plus their bags into the mix. All in my car!!! YUP! that'll be fun!

Okay...
seriously...
I gotta go...

oh look... Waterworld is on TV. I haven't seen that in ages.
OH. The American President on TBS.
I'm hungry too!

Wow... I'm good at this procrastination game...

I was talking to my friend Sarah, and started going through all my paper work on the desk. Bank statements, LOC statements, phone bills, investment papers you get but never file and started to sort through them. I realize I should go through them more often but there's always tomorrow right!!!

So I come across a bill from January 2003 for the 407 ETR (A toll highway in Toronto). The bill is for $0.10. I had recieved a bill for $17.13 and sent them a check for that amount. They credited my account $17.03, then sent the $0.10 bill. I apparently waited until I got my bank statement and forgot all about it as I knew I wrote the check for the correct amount. So nearly 2 years later I find the bill. Then I look in my file folder and find the bank statement from February 2003 and there's the cheque notice - and doesn't it say $17.03... BASTARDS. They got it wrong!

So I called them.
Yes it's been 2 years.
But I have to renew my License plates in February and they won't let you if you have outstanding tolls.
So I call and talk to Jason - nice guy.
Give him all my info: name, license plate, address, name of first born child. LOL
AND I tell him the story.
With interest I now owe $.20. Can you believe it?!?!
But as they credited the wrong amount Jason told me that he'll clear the account and not to worry about it. I told him I'll bring the 20 cents but he said it was OK. I think that conversation will be the talk of the office for the rest of the day. Maybe the week.
"There's a weird chick in Niagara Falls living up to her elbows in papers and it takes her 2 years to find anything!!!" All that for 10 cents.

It's my little Christmas gift from the Government.
How funny is that!?

I forgot my best friends birthday.
It was last week.
The 15th to be exact. And I forgot... completely oblivious. Not a thought, hint, inkling, idea, impresion, memory, notion, recollection, reference... nothing.

I know, I do own a calender and I do look at it. But I've been best friends with Lee since I was 12 and 18 years is a long time - why write it down. Besides my sister-in-laws B-day is the same day, why would I forget... BUT I did...

The funny thing is I usually forget to call my sister-in-law.
And Lee understands.
She knows I was stressed out and didn't want to say anything else to upset me (nice friend). But I still feel like a wee bit of an idiot.

This is what I don't like about my medication - I'm kind of dumb.
But I can laugh about it...
I guess that's a good thing.

Firefly..
you might want to remind me about your birthday daily starting right after mine...
That is if you want me to acknowledge it at all.
Just a heads up!

I went to see my psychiatrist this morning.
She increased my meds as I was rapid-cycling over the last two weeks. She said that it should have been expected as I was under a lot of stress but because of that she won't consider sending me back to work - even on a modified duties situation. So I get to stay home. I don't think I'm happy about that either.

I should start writing a novel - it could be about a crazy person locked in her house with nothing to do, except write... heehee. Actually, that's not really funny.
So...

Then I went to Winners and then to Walmart... I really don't like it at either of these stores the week before Christmas.
I am looking for a couple of last minute gifts that I forgot about (even with my list making I forgot a friend and am still at a loss with my roommate.) But I realized that as nice as bath sets, and journals and candles are they are "crappy" gifts and really don't mean anything. And I don't want to gove them to my friends. I thought about it but I have recieved many of them over the years and I really don't like them, so why would I give them. But what do you get a friend... Mind you I have recieved some very nice sentimental gifts and I only wish I could find something like them to give to my friends.

And I need to go buy a box of fire logs as it is freezing cold in here and I need to warm up... the poor bird is cold too!
BBRRrrr

Well.
I did it.
I told him off for asuming that I wouldn't want to go out to a busy bar on a Saturday night (even though I don't like crowds).

I thought about it and realized that these are my friends too. And I haven't seen them in a while. And I won't see them again this year. (Weird thought.) Besides, I want to see J. And the only way I'll get to do that is if I go to the city after he gets done work today and go out with him.
So I am.

Mind you there were a lot of phone calls about it and it took me telling him he was wrong to get him to listen to me. Then 3 more phone calls to figure out what time he was going to be done work. I think he was hoping I was going to change my mind. But I am looking forward to going.

But I could use a nap.

Christmas shopping that is!

It really is a big deal for me...
1. I hate shopping. (Strange girl that I am.)
2. Not really a big fan of Christmas either (being forced to give gifts, and then recieve things you really don't need. Besides why tell people what to buy you when you can just go buy it yourself.)
3. I usually finish around the 23rd of December.

But the few things I have left to pick up include gift cards and a book. And one absolutely no idea!
but I am very proud of my accomplishment!

Yeah me!!

oh well
If no one else will sing my praises I guess I have to do it myself!!

WOOHOO!!

Can a person diagnosed with Bi-polar hold the same job for a number of years?
Without medication?

I think so.

I have been at my job for almost 8 years. I know another bi-polar who has been at the same job for almost 6, and another for over 10.
Bi-polarity doesn't have a problem with stability in life it is stability in mind. The more changes in the surroundings the worse the mental state - so why disrupt the work environment if you don't have too. Sure every bi-polar I know has missed work or taken a leave due to changes in moods and meds and the inability to cope with everything else. Knowing there is a job to go back to gives you something to strive for - a sense of normalcy to look forward to.

All of the research in to mental illness I have done has shown that those suffering from ADHD (Attention Deficient HyperActivity Disorder) are the ones that change jobs regularily - at least once a year. (And I know a couple of people like that too, my best friend for one.)

I know that my fear of losing my job is one of my motivatiors to keeping control. I fight within myself for sanity and the strength to get out of bed and to get on with my life.
I don't want to die anymore...
I did at one time.
But I realize now that I have something to do here on this earth and it is my duty to myself, my family and my friends to figure out what it is and then do it.
Besides - maybe I can help someone along the way.

Last week everything was over-whelming and I was crying a lot and hiding as often as possible. Then I went to the mandatory second opinion appointment - which was horrible but the Dr. was very open and understanding and listened to my opinions and offered lots of Kleenex as tears flowed continuously the entire time I was in there. But over all it was nothing I haven't been through before.

The work thing I have accepted. My days off are still Friday and Saturday and I have a plan for later Sunday starts - when I go back to work.
Not really a big deal.

As for my friend - E has accepted the fact that she may not see her kids for a long time - and proobably not until after Christmas. She is going to do what needs to be done, and pray that her ex doesn't seriously harm the kids. I will talk to her, but we have agreed that this situation will not be all consuming or all we will do is cry. So life goes on.

My friend D - well she is determined to get a third opinion and that it is not mental. I don't know what to do and know that nothing I say or do will change her thinking - especially when she has a psychiatrist saying that the other doctor is wrong and that it is not mental... how can I compete with that (I know not my job but really!)
I just pray she gets better, and gets the help she needs.

So this weekend.
I found myself relaxing for the first time in a while. And for some reason the stupidest things would amuse me. And I would laugh, almost uncontrollably for a long time. J thought I was wacky. Today he actually said "Oh - here she goes again!" And I know that it isn't funny - but I can't help it. It's like the opposite of crying.

The release of stress leads to uncontrollable laughing... at least in me.
Like I say - bi-polar and good at it!

except...

a mouse or squirrel or some other wild creature running around in my drop ceiling.

I don't really like it.
Last night I was watching Tv and I could hear it sprinting around the room above my head.

Even the bird was watching the ceiling trying to figure out what the noise was.

I don't like critters that are alive.

Maybe I wouldn't do well on Fear Factor!