... and into the Light

The Reality of the situation is that I am an emotional being.
I have always been emotional and I always will be.
There's nothing I can do about it.
I spent the majority of my childhood and my adolescence hiding it and acting like I didn't have emotions and basically being that "normal" person that everyone wanted me to be... That people pleaser that I was trained to be.

As am adult - diagnosed with bi-polar I have accepted that I am an emotional being, filled with a variety of emotions, and I know that those emotions need to be expressed or I will explode or suffer from an "episode". It isn't something I need to worry about (I do enough of that already - I know that.

Yet, I think about a lot of things, a lot.
A lady came to my window at work and told me I looked bored.
I mentioned that all the girls were talking about their husbands and kids, and frankly that did not apply to me for a reason, I was single for a reason and was definitely not having kids. She laughed, told me that it was a difficult decision to make and as much as a pain in the ass husbands are, they have their benefits (I, too, can think of a few, but managed to keep my mouth shut for once). I finished the transaction and sent her on her way.
Then I got thinking about WHY I was single.
I am single because I have bi-polar and I have a hard enough time dealing with my moods let alone insist on someone else dealing with them too. Then there's the whole thing... If I am with someone else, how much of my emotional expression gets hidden to protect them. I know I did it with my ex... And I suffered for it. I don't want to spend my life alone, I guess it's a matter of finding the right person, and someone understanding.
Bi-Polar is a difficult burden to bear.
I can expose my friends to my moods - they have the options of hanging up the phone, signing off the computer, or kicking me out of the house.
But a boy/man... That's different.

I want to go back to bed
It seems really early
But it isn't

That is all

It has been interesting, that's for sure.

I chose not to go in to work on Sunday, just because I was a wee bit upset about my Aunts passing (that's how work refers to her anyway). I actually made a couple of major mistakes on Saturday... but luckily the patron(s) caught them and it was corrected, so i am not in trouble.

Monday; driving to Kincardine I got to drive through rain, wet snow and snow... yup, good times!!!

I got in trouble at the funeral because there is someone else in Niagara region with my name and I am, therefore, difficult to get a hold of. It was insisted upon that I leave all my contact info with them, AGAIN, as they have no idea where it ended up the first time.

I got to have breakfast with both MY Mother and MY FATHER Tuesday morning. That was... um... interesting and just a little weird. My Dad initiated it. I barely spoke during the entire event. (Keep in mind they have been divorced for 27 years,and still barely get along).
After breakfast Mom left, and Dad and I had some time alone. I confessed that I was greatful Mom and I had driven in separate cars, as I was afraid I would have driven under a transport truck... just her half of the car of course. Dad laughed and gave me a hug. He said he understood. I feel very normal when I am around my mother for an extended period of time. I can't handle her inane banter for very long.

Friends in crisis, George is getting his winter feathers, and My extreme exhaustion... things seem relatively normal here.

I love my new computer. The monitor is really cool! I mean.. really COOL! I have yet to experience it's full potential!

For as long as I can remember, She was there.
My Olive Oyl.
And yes.. that's what I called her.
Her husband was Popeye, and their daughter Sweet Pea.
In fact.. I think I was 8 before I knew what her first name really was.
But Olive Oyl (Beth) was my Godmother. Or she would have been if I was baptized or Christened.
And I adored her.

I got the call this morning.

I am happy for her that she is no longer suffering. The last couple of years have been hard for her. She had CID (a lung condition, like emphysema) and a blood clot/aneurysm in her aorta. She was not the picture of health.
I got to see her on my vacation in August/September.
I am glad for that. She was thrilled to see me too.
Now my drop-ins will be to see Popeye (Donnie) whom I also love... but he's not as chatty. (boys, you know)

I remember so many things about going to her house when I was little... the Dr. Zeus collection.. at the top of the stairs; The cat nosy, who was all grey and had half an ear, cause she slept in the car (engine) and got caught.. she lost her tail that way too; Telling Donnie to "Fuck Off" when I was 4.. cause he was teasing me (he still does, he gets the same response); sleeping in the trailer in the backyard with Sweet Pea, keeping her up all night reading Dr. Zeus!; Cuddling up with Olive Oyl, watching movies; Taking R over there swimming when she was little, and Olive Oyl sitting out on the deck with us chatting.

She was an amazing lady.
I will miss her.

I got a new computer and it's pretty.
Between the playstation and the computer this is the best investment ever!

hehehe

oh.. and the salad bar at the new casino has SPRING MIX and Raspberry Vinigrette...

So far a pretty good week!

I looked out the window and saw the wet and the snow still falling from the gray sky. And I thought, "Perfect timing on that gigantic crockpot of spaghetti sauce that I made last night and let crock ALL night. That is going to be great for lunch today."

Nothing like a hot, delicious bowl of one of my favourite dishes on a crappy wet day.

Don't get me wrong, I know I said yesterday that I like snow... I like snow when it's dry. Not that snow that's partially rain too. It's not nice getting snowed on when you get soaked at the same time. I like the snow that is light and fluffy and sparkles... it comes on cold days when the sun is shining. Not on days like today.

I can't wait for lunch.

It snowed today.
Snowed!
those little white flakes that fall from the sky and melt as soon as they hit the ground.
Well.. they melted as long as the sun was in the sky...
Then they started staying.
I had to sweep the car off. AAAHHH... it's only October 12th!

the funny thing is... I kind of missed it.
I like snow... when I am properly dressed.
Cause there's nothing worse than standing outside waiting for the bus after work freezing in the wind, watching the pretty flakes fall from the sky.

It's just that... I have no winter coat that fits, no boots.
And as it wasn't snowing when I left my house this morning I didn't take my gloves.

well... That settles it.
Shopping SPREE!

but he's so freakin cute

he's giggling a cooing in the corner
and rubbing the cupboards with his clawed foot.
I wish you could see it
but as soon as I turn the camera on he stops everything and plays "pretty" for the camera.
He's such a photo slut.
The sounds he makes are indescribable.
He is an idiot...
But he's mine.
and he's making a mess... bastard...

And yes BondGirl... he has a peanut...

One day I will manage to get a good video of him playing like that where he isn't "hamming it up" for the camera and you will see the cuteness that I am referring to. You will get to hear the sounds he makes, and watch him systematically destroy his favorite treat.
For now.. I get to watch him and hope that he gets used tot he camera... sooner, than later!