Monday, October 30, 2006
reality
The Reality of the situation is that I am an emotional being.
I have always been emotional and I always will be.
There's nothing I can do about it.
I spent the majority of my childhood and my adolescence hiding it and acting like I didn't have emotions and basically being that "normal" person that everyone wanted me to be... That people pleaser that I was trained to be.
As am adult - diagnosed with bi-polar I have accepted that I am an emotional being, filled with a variety of emotions, and I know that those emotions need to be expressed or I will explode or suffer from an "episode". It isn't something I need to worry about (I do enough of that already - I know that.
Yet, I think about a lot of things, a lot.
A lady came to my window at work and told me I looked bored.
I mentioned that all the girls were talking about their husbands and kids, and frankly that did not apply to me for a reason, I was single for a reason and was definitely not having kids. She laughed, told me that it was a difficult decision to make and as much as a pain in the ass husbands are, they have their benefits (I, too, can think of a few, but managed to keep my mouth shut for once). I finished the transaction and sent her on her way.
Then I got thinking about WHY I was single.
I am single because I have bi-polar and I have a hard enough time dealing with my moods let alone insist on someone else dealing with them too. Then there's the whole thing... If I am with someone else, how much of my emotional expression gets hidden to protect them. I know I did it with my ex... And I suffered for it. I don't want to spend my life alone, I guess it's a matter of finding the right person, and someone understanding.
Bi-Polar is a difficult burden to bear.
I can expose my friends to my moods - they have the options of hanging up the phone, signing off the computer, or kicking me out of the house.
But a boy/man... That's different.
I have always been emotional and I always will be.
There's nothing I can do about it.
I spent the majority of my childhood and my adolescence hiding it and acting like I didn't have emotions and basically being that "normal" person that everyone wanted me to be... That people pleaser that I was trained to be.
As am adult - diagnosed with bi-polar I have accepted that I am an emotional being, filled with a variety of emotions, and I know that those emotions need to be expressed or I will explode or suffer from an "episode". It isn't something I need to worry about (I do enough of that already - I know that.
Yet, I think about a lot of things, a lot.
A lady came to my window at work and told me I looked bored.
I mentioned that all the girls were talking about their husbands and kids, and frankly that did not apply to me for a reason, I was single for a reason and was definitely not having kids. She laughed, told me that it was a difficult decision to make and as much as a pain in the ass husbands are, they have their benefits (I, too, can think of a few, but managed to keep my mouth shut for once). I finished the transaction and sent her on her way.
Then I got thinking about WHY I was single.
I am single because I have bi-polar and I have a hard enough time dealing with my moods let alone insist on someone else dealing with them too. Then there's the whole thing... If I am with someone else, how much of my emotional expression gets hidden to protect them. I know I did it with my ex... And I suffered for it. I don't want to spend my life alone, I guess it's a matter of finding the right person, and someone understanding.
Bi-Polar is a difficult burden to bear.
I can expose my friends to my moods - they have the options of hanging up the phone, signing off the computer, or kicking me out of the house.
But a boy/man... That's different.
Dragonfly 10/30/2006 09:53:00 AM
2 Comments:
I know how you feel, sometimes I feel incredibly guilty being with Lover Boy. But, if you ever find someone who wants to date you, just be honest and let him make his own decision.
Don't allow yourself to keep others at a distance because you think that you can protect them from what you deal with. The right person will come, I PROMISE. He will be there for you and whatever you need evevn if understanding it isn't top on his priority list. You are an awesome person and many know it. Fear is an aweful thing and you are not alone there. I Love YOU for YOU. Nothing more and nothing less.
Keep up the great work on surviving and dealing. You are so very strong.
Keep up the great work on surviving and dealing. You are so very strong.
