... and into the Light

my week is busier than I thought it would be... even without work I have so much to do.
Monday and Thursday night I have class...
Thursday morning I have cognitive therapy (physically and emotionally draining). I was talking to a friend and I mentioned it's like being emotionally raped - all I need is a pap smear and the raping would be complete.

Tomorrow I have my doctors appointment... that will be draining too.

I have homework for both classes every week, and it's turning into a couple of hours per class. Then I have cognitive therapy homework too. That takes an hour or so.. adn I'm supposed to do it everyday.

Good god.. I don't have time to work... and my mood is so negative... I try and try to stay up, but the anxiety is overwhelming and there are times I can't get off the couch. There are mornings I just lie in bed hoping everything will just stop.

And I keep getting the hiccoughs... reklly loud and they last a long time and they hurt. GGGRRRR.

Labels: depression, hiccoughs, homework

What's up?
Where have you been?
How are you?
Who you been hanging out with?
Why did time start moving so quickly?
When are you going to write for others to see?

I keep looking at myself and wondering these things... and more.

What's up? It seems like nothing - but between 2 french classes, weekly therapy, appointments and the bird. Plus I have developed the strangest addiction to www.slingo.com and I spend a lot of time playing there.

Where have you been? I am still mostly staying home.. but I do make it out of the house occasionally... at least 3 times a week. (see above) And I do manage to see friends too.

How are you? Um... the long answer is that - I have absolutely no idea. I am depressed, scared, anxious, sad, mad, and I do my best to beat myself up emotionally for not being strong enough to get past this fucking depression and the anxiety. But... I am surviving and I am trying. So, I guess I am good.

Who you been hanging out with? I am lucky enough to have some great friends. Phoenix comes to visit and we hang. Mel, and L keep me occupied too. And E is back in the picture... but very slowly and very carefully this time.

When did time start moving so quickly? Ever notice that the more you have to do, the more obligations you have the less time you have for the things you enjoy. Days blend together too... thank goodness I have classes and appointments to keep me pointed in the right direction, or I would find myself trapped in Tuesday of last week.

When are you going to write for others to see? My journal has become my solace as of late. I write for me, and always have. I love my blogs, but I hate that I have a negative side. My journal allows me to ramble and sort through things, and here I want to make sense and maybe show myself just a little joy. Although as I think about it, this makes no sense either. I just wanted to write.

Labels: blogging, depression, time

Well... I fixed the comment problem with this blog.. no idea what happened with that. Sorry all.
I have no idea what happened.

I started CBT therapy and it seems like it will be emotionally draining, physically exhausting and highly interesting at the same time. I have devoted time to it, and will do the work that needs to be done. Having read the first chapter of the program I realize that a lot of people could ultimately benefit from it. It's great for anxiety, depression, stress, addictions... it's a thought / behaviour process.
Interesting.

And I have started both French classes. The Conversational French I class that will give me the certificate saying I am bilingual, and the French Level 4 class that will improve my grammar and vocabulary. Both have a lot of work, as does the CBT, and I feel like I have a lot of work to do, weekly. At least I know that I will have enough to keep me busy during my leave of absence from work.

It's been a while since I've written anything here. I don't know why. I guess my handwritten journal is giving me more solace. But I feel the need to share.
We had an ice storm this week, and it's officially winter temperatures. I don't mind simply because it's really pretty. The trees, bushes, telephone lines all sparkle in the sunlight. Hell, they even sparkle with the street lamps. It's such a beautiful sight it's lifted my spirits just a little.
My mood... until now, has been anything but extraordinary. The desire to stay housebound has been strong. As has my fear of spending money I don't have... staying in has it's perks, I get to play Tiger Woods, Slingo and improve my nap-taking abilities!

I am back in French class too.. actually 2 of them... I think if I was at work I would be in trouble, there's going to be a lot of work! At least it gives me something to do.

Sometimes, there's something to be said for remembering to srop and smell the roses... or in the case right now, stopping and admiring ht e beauty of your own surroundings. It reminds you that you are alive. It may be too cold to hang out outside, but my window has a pretty nice view! And I am glad I am here to see it.

Labels: ice, roses, winter

I have become the person friends come to for relationship advice. One suggested last night that I should start a website for all the good advice I give. I didn't tell him about my blogs.
I don't like that the advice I give can make or break the potential relationship that my friends could have. It is a little disconcerting. But for some reason I am the trusted confidant, and the knowledgeable friend.
Now... if only I could do for myself what I attempt to do for my friends.
I guess it's true... a doctor makes the worst patient, they never heed their own advice.

Labels: friends, relationship

I am getting a new toilet today.
My landlord just told me.
The one I have now has a crack on the lid and it spontaneously runs. It is also the old style that uses tons of water.

New Year, New toilet... hehehe
I don't know, it's kind of funny in my head.

Oh... and the sun is shining today.
Excuse me while I go out and enjoy it for a while.