... and into the Light

I am so grateful to my sister, and my Mom for being willing to change their plans to be with me in my time of crisis. My sister actually came to spend the night with me and we chatted, went for sushi (yum!) and she was just here. I didn't feel as alone and even though the dark thought was there, I knew I could just call my sister - or cry and she would be there for me.

Just the knowledge that she was driving here made me feel less anxious.
I can cry infront of her.
I can be myself. We giggled and had a bit of fun.
I'm still bad, It's like suicide watch 2007 cause Phoenix is coming tonight, but I am not alone and I feel a little more secure that way.

Labels: depression, family, friends

Ok... so this isn't the post you all wanted to here. Or read.

Today has been the best day I have had in ages.
IT started with the taking of Maggie to the body shop, she got smacked - my poor baby! I now have a 2007 Mazda 3 which is really cool actually. I have a ZoomZoom! hehehe
And they washed it before they gave it to me... adn it's so effing cold out I have a car covered in ice pellets!
Then I went to the gym and worked out for a couple of hours - even went for a swim... where I only thought about drowning myself (lying on the bottom of the pool) once... that's pretty good for me. Yes.. I am still feeling very low. But I am dealing with it the best way I know how... good drugs!
The downside -too many drugs make DF fall over and walk into things... also I loose the ability to stay conscious if I stop moving and sit or lie down.. it is a pretty cool side effect if you ask me - but I don't get as much studying down as I would like.

George is good.. he's big into cuddles and sneak attacks now.. he's also figured out he knows how to pull up the linoleum in the kitchen (I think Utah and him are connected cosmically).

My classes... are interesting. I actually like going, we have fun and for some reason people in those classes like me. I enjoy school, it's a pleasure to go. And I have real teachers and feel like I am actually learning this time... that's a pleasure.

Yes.. good days and bad days are intertwined, I am having a good day.
And in one week I will be 33.
and all I want is all my friends to go out for dinner with me... I'm thinking Thai.
Oh.. and I have a BNL concert on the 16th.... that is with Phoenix and I am so excited I can barely stand it!

That's my life in a nutshell

Labels: BNL, depression, suicide

my week is busier than I thought it would be... even without work I have so much to do.
Monday and Thursday night I have class...
Thursday morning I have cognitive therapy (physically and emotionally draining). I was talking to a friend and I mentioned it's like being emotionally raped - all I need is a pap smear and the raping would be complete.

Tomorrow I have my doctors appointment... that will be draining too.

I have homework for both classes every week, and it's turning into a couple of hours per class. Then I have cognitive therapy homework too. That takes an hour or so.. adn I'm supposed to do it everyday.

Good god.. I don't have time to work... and my mood is so negative... I try and try to stay up, but the anxiety is overwhelming and there are times I can't get off the couch. There are mornings I just lie in bed hoping everything will just stop.

And I keep getting the hiccoughs... reklly loud and they last a long time and they hurt. GGGRRRR.

Labels: depression, hiccoughs, homework

What's up?
Where have you been?
How are you?
Who you been hanging out with?
Why did time start moving so quickly?
When are you going to write for others to see?

I keep looking at myself and wondering these things... and more.

What's up? It seems like nothing - but between 2 french classes, weekly therapy, appointments and the bird. Plus I have developed the strangest addiction to www.slingo.com and I spend a lot of time playing there.

Where have you been? I am still mostly staying home.. but I do make it out of the house occasionally... at least 3 times a week. (see above) And I do manage to see friends too.

How are you? Um... the long answer is that - I have absolutely no idea. I am depressed, scared, anxious, sad, mad, and I do my best to beat myself up emotionally for not being strong enough to get past this fucking depression and the anxiety. But... I am surviving and I am trying. So, I guess I am good.

Who you been hanging out with? I am lucky enough to have some great friends. Phoenix comes to visit and we hang. Mel, and L keep me occupied too. And E is back in the picture... but very slowly and very carefully this time.

When did time start moving so quickly? Ever notice that the more you have to do, the more obligations you have the less time you have for the things you enjoy. Days blend together too... thank goodness I have classes and appointments to keep me pointed in the right direction, or I would find myself trapped in Tuesday of last week.

When are you going to write for others to see? My journal has become my solace as of late. I write for me, and always have. I love my blogs, but I hate that I have a negative side. My journal allows me to ramble and sort through things, and here I want to make sense and maybe show myself just a little joy. Although as I think about it, this makes no sense either. I just wanted to write.

Labels: blogging, depression, time