... and into the Light

For months now I have been thinking I should write. Seriously sit and vocalize (visually)what has been going on using the modes and medias available to me. And the only words that pop into my head and hands are the same ones that I have written on many different occasions over the last few years.
I am still bipolar and always will be. Along with the joys and turmoils that go hand in hand with the "title".
I still have one pet, and miss the other but know I made the right decision.
My mother is still psychotic, and for lack of a better word, stupid.
Therapy is the same, nothing worth mentioning.
I am still single. Still living in a basement (albeit a nice one). And still driving Maggie.

Am I OK?
I honestly couldn't tell you.
I WANT to be on a mental and spiritual plane of clarity and unquestioning faith, but honestly, it's hard to stay in that frame of mind.So positive, and facing forward. I mean, sometimes I can't even hold a coherent thought or speak a sentence fluently. Holding a distinct frame of mind and thought process is like understanding quantum physics. It takes a lot of time and energy with numerous instructors and a lot of help from friends and family. And frankly - I am completely alone. At least that is what it feels like.

I have come to the realization that I have no home. My family is all hours away, I have a job I could like and I can hate, essentially I have no ties to the Niagara Region. It has been said to me that home is what you make of it - being involved in community, working with others, having friends, exploring the area. And I have done all of that. But I am more interested in the politics of my brothers area than my own. Volunteering in this area seems like a wasted effort as I don't want to be here. And I have explored the area, it's beautiful, I like it. But even after 10 years I feel as though Niagara is not my home and I belong somewhere else. IF only I knew where.

Too many if only's.

Labels: babble, bipolar, blogging

You know when you are just sitting around thinking - there’s something I should do - but haven’t done… hhhhmmmm.
Well. The Intelligent person that I am just figured it out!
BLOGS!
I haven’t written in them in a while.
I occupy my time with Facebook, slingo, and Addictinggames.com.
I watch/listen to movies during this time… and Sometimes I even write in my journal.
I have to keep an activity schedule, listing all the things I so in a day and at what times. This is for the new therapy in Hamilton at the mood disorder clinic. Makes me feel lazy - but really I am occupying myself instead of sitting on the couch watching TV for hours on end.
I also have big news.
I got a cat.

Labels: Asia, babble, blogging

I am finally home. It was a great visit in Windsor - although 3 weeks doesn't constitiute a visit when you are looking after kids.

I can't believe how tired I am - I feel like I have slept the 3 days since I got home, and I am still exhausted. Even driving home from my brothers I had to stop at a service station on the way and nap for fear of falling asleep behind the wheel.

George is returning to normal - happy to be home, he stayed in his cage until tonight then came out for 10 minutes and then went back inside. I think he really missed home.

The newness of the medication - I get blood tests for that, but the exhaustion lingers.
I haven't done my dishes yet, and I really don't want to.
I am over the sinus infection and pink eye I had last week... that was a treat.
And I need a major nap! - one that actually refreshes and renews.

Labels: babble, blogging, ramblings

What's up?
Where have you been?
How are you?
Who you been hanging out with?
Why did time start moving so quickly?
When are you going to write for others to see?

I keep looking at myself and wondering these things... and more.

What's up? It seems like nothing - but between 2 french classes, weekly therapy, appointments and the bird. Plus I have developed the strangest addiction to www.slingo.com and I spend a lot of time playing there.

Where have you been? I am still mostly staying home.. but I do make it out of the house occasionally... at least 3 times a week. (see above) And I do manage to see friends too.

How are you? Um... the long answer is that - I have absolutely no idea. I am depressed, scared, anxious, sad, mad, and I do my best to beat myself up emotionally for not being strong enough to get past this fucking depression and the anxiety. But... I am surviving and I am trying. So, I guess I am good.

Who you been hanging out with? I am lucky enough to have some great friends. Phoenix comes to visit and we hang. Mel, and L keep me occupied too. And E is back in the picture... but very slowly and very carefully this time.

When did time start moving so quickly? Ever notice that the more you have to do, the more obligations you have the less time you have for the things you enjoy. Days blend together too... thank goodness I have classes and appointments to keep me pointed in the right direction, or I would find myself trapped in Tuesday of last week.

When are you going to write for others to see? My journal has become my solace as of late. I write for me, and always have. I love my blogs, but I hate that I have a negative side. My journal allows me to ramble and sort through things, and here I want to make sense and maybe show myself just a little joy. Although as I think about it, this makes no sense either. I just wanted to write.

Labels: blogging, depression, time