Thursday, April 10, 2008
Oops... did it again.
For months now I have been thinking I should write. Seriously sit and vocalize (visually)what has been going on using the modes and medias available to me. And the only words that pop into my head and hands are the same ones that I have written on many different occasions over the last few years.
I am still bipolar and always will be. Along with the joys and turmoils that go hand in hand with the "title".
I still have one pet, and miss the other but know I made the right decision.
My mother is still psychotic, and for lack of a better word, stupid.
Therapy is the same, nothing worth mentioning.
I am still single. Still living in a basement (albeit a nice one). And still driving Maggie.
Am I OK?
I honestly couldn't tell you.
I WANT to be on a mental and spiritual plane of clarity and unquestioning faith, but honestly, it's hard to stay in that frame of mind.So positive, and facing forward. I mean, sometimes I can't even hold a coherent thought or speak a sentence fluently. Holding a distinct frame of mind and thought process is like understanding quantum physics. It takes a lot of time and energy with numerous instructors and a lot of help from friends and family. And frankly - I am completely alone. At least that is what it feels like.
I have come to the realization that I have no home. My family is all hours away, I have a job I could like and I can hate, essentially I have no ties to the Niagara Region. It has been said to me that home is what you make of it - being involved in community, working with others, having friends, exploring the area. And I have done all of that. But I am more interested in the politics of my brothers area than my own. Volunteering in this area seems like a wasted effort as I don't want to be here. And I have explored the area, it's beautiful, I like it. But even after 10 years I feel as though Niagara is not my home and I belong somewhere else. IF only I knew where.
Too many if only's.
I am still bipolar and always will be. Along with the joys and turmoils that go hand in hand with the "title".
I still have one pet, and miss the other but know I made the right decision.
My mother is still psychotic, and for lack of a better word, stupid.
Therapy is the same, nothing worth mentioning.
I am still single. Still living in a basement (albeit a nice one). And still driving Maggie.
Am I OK?
I honestly couldn't tell you.
I WANT to be on a mental and spiritual plane of clarity and unquestioning faith, but honestly, it's hard to stay in that frame of mind.So positive, and facing forward. I mean, sometimes I can't even hold a coherent thought or speak a sentence fluently. Holding a distinct frame of mind and thought process is like understanding quantum physics. It takes a lot of time and energy with numerous instructors and a lot of help from friends and family. And frankly - I am completely alone. At least that is what it feels like.
I have come to the realization that I have no home. My family is all hours away, I have a job I could like and I can hate, essentially I have no ties to the Niagara Region. It has been said to me that home is what you make of it - being involved in community, working with others, having friends, exploring the area. And I have done all of that. But I am more interested in the politics of my brothers area than my own. Volunteering in this area seems like a wasted effort as I don't want to be here. And I have explored the area, it's beautiful, I like it. But even after 10 years I feel as though Niagara is not my home and I belong somewhere else. IF only I knew where.
Too many if only's.
Dragonfly 4/10/2008 11:38:00 PM
1 Comments:
Stay positive. There are people out there who love you and will be there for you. You can email me anytime you want!
