... and into the Light

Sometimes talking to a friend can make the shit going on with me seem miniscule. Which really is what I need 90% of the time.
So what if the dryer decided to quit,
and the cupboard fell off the wall.

It could be worse, someone could be hurt, or dying.
Accidents happen, they are meant to test one's endurance and strength. Learn from the situation and move on.
Appliances breaking, cabinets falling. those are things with immediate solutions, easy fixes

My "problems" are easy fixes.
that realization made me apologize for the "freak out!"

You are torn between wanting to get out and do something that takes you far away or staying at home and isolating yourself from the rest of the world. But neither of these extremes will work as you probably have your regular responsibilities to handle today. Others may not even realize your current dissatisfaction for you are masterful now at covering your unfulfilled desires with apparent busyness. Just don't be so clever that you also mislead yourself

This is what awaited me on Google horoscopes today.
And it is so true.
I am completely dissatisfied with my life adn situation at the moment.
Disgruntled about my workplace.
Hating my body and self.
And hiding it really well. sort of.

so... now what???

Labels: horoscopes, truth

So I decided to have a drink after work... a Grands Cosmo.
Then I had another... then suddenly the bottle was empty.
OOOPSS..

I'm a little tipsy! lol
thank goodness I dontt have to work tomorrow!

Labels: cosmos, ooops

I haven't quite decided if I am having fun yet though. It's all been happening fairly quickly. I got the wedding notification months ago... probably before Christmas. My Cousin E's wedding in Edmonton, Alberta. Roughly 36 hours away from my house. The big debate was the best way to get there and the cheapest way - cause I'm still on disability.
My cousin L, who lives in Hamilton (about an hour from me), and I decided to drive with her 2.8 year old son. This was supposed to be less expensive than the $650 it would have cost for the cheapest flight. However with the lovely gas prices now, and all the fun places we are stopping on the way it's gonna be more.
I am the only one going from my immediate family. My brother and sister aren't going out. My mother claims she can't afford it, but she will probably hit the casino a couple of times while we are all gone.
It's gonna take 4 or 5 days to get there, we are taking our time. I am staying with FF in Calgary and she is going to be my "date" to the wedding. I can't wait to see her. It's been too long.
Everyone thinks we are crazy for driving, and with a toddler, but we know it's crazy and are doing it anyway. I am only going so I can hit the JellyBelly Factory in Wisconsin. I love jelly beans.

Labels: Calgary, jelly beans, wedding

Watching the cat bounce and dance across the room.
Fascinated as the toy mouse gets tossed all about.
Her desperately trying to get into my water bottle because in her feline eyes my water is somehow cleaner, more fresh and colder than hers.
Pulling into the driveway and seeing her staring out the window waiting for me to come home.
The croak-like meows that beg for treats.
The quiet purrs that express her gratitude and comfort.

It's been almost a year - 10 months in fact. And her presence still brings me comfort and joy.
Barely making up for the loss of George.

Labels: Asia, George, love

For months now I have been thinking I should write. Seriously sit and vocalize (visually)what has been going on using the modes and medias available to me. And the only words that pop into my head and hands are the same ones that I have written on many different occasions over the last few years.
I am still bipolar and always will be. Along with the joys and turmoils that go hand in hand with the "title".
I still have one pet, and miss the other but know I made the right decision.
My mother is still psychotic, and for lack of a better word, stupid.
Therapy is the same, nothing worth mentioning.
I am still single. Still living in a basement (albeit a nice one). And still driving Maggie.

Am I OK?
I honestly couldn't tell you.
I WANT to be on a mental and spiritual plane of clarity and unquestioning faith, but honestly, it's hard to stay in that frame of mind.So positive, and facing forward. I mean, sometimes I can't even hold a coherent thought or speak a sentence fluently. Holding a distinct frame of mind and thought process is like understanding quantum physics. It takes a lot of time and energy with numerous instructors and a lot of help from friends and family. And frankly - I am completely alone. At least that is what it feels like.

I have come to the realization that I have no home. My family is all hours away, I have a job I could like and I can hate, essentially I have no ties to the Niagara Region. It has been said to me that home is what you make of it - being involved in community, working with others, having friends, exploring the area. And I have done all of that. But I am more interested in the politics of my brothers area than my own. Volunteering in this area seems like a wasted effort as I don't want to be here. And I have explored the area, it's beautiful, I like it. But even after 10 years I feel as though Niagara is not my home and I belong somewhere else. IF only I knew where.

Too many if only's.

Labels: babble, bipolar, blogging

Asia, my baby, warmer of feet, bather of hands and giver of comfort.

George, my turkey, the one who gives kisses, and giggler at the Simpson's.


I gave you away, out of love and respect. You deserve more than I can give you. Although you may be with a new family now, you will always hav a piece of my heart.
I love you George.

Labels: Asia, George, good-bye