... and into the Light

Thursday, March 16, 2017

This isn't happy, it's just an update

I still journal everyday. I write a page.
I try to write about the accomplishments I have made during the day (cleaning, cooking, housework, reading, exercise, anything, really. I write about my mood, emotions, anyone I have come across of thoughts that are dominant that day.

I work... As much as I can. As limited as I am by the hours given by the place that employees me. 
I want more hours, last year I worked enough that I was issued all 200 hours of vto and 40 hours of pto... Like a full-timer would earn if they worked enough hours. I work full-time without the benefits.

Asia has arthritis in her hips, legs and back. She has become a heat junkie. It helps her.
Dagger is a suck, snuggle bear. He's my baby. It's hard to believe he's 10 now. 

I bought a new car. I don't actually like it. I just feel like I spent too much money and didn't get enough car. 

My house doesn't feel like my home. It's impersonal and full of aged, broken pieces. Nothing that means anything, nothing that matters and nothing that I enjoy. It's just stuff and it's all bits and pieces.
There's bits and pieces of me scattered about. I don't even know who I really am or what I have to offer.

My life is merely existance... I live to survive and that's it. Survival, one day to the next. No future. No dreams, no goals. And nothing to offer.
I guess I need to work on that. 
Dragonfly 3/16/2017 05:20:00 PM | 0 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Thursday, January 21, 2016

New Page, New Chapter, New Book

Sorry, I haven't been writing (here). Yes, I am ok.
I started writing in my NEW journal on January 1st… after spewing all sorts of thoughts, anger, and angst into the old one on Dec 31st. I feel like I have been liberated emotionally. I have taken this motto to heart.

New Page: everyday I write about my day, emotional state, and any thoughts… just one page a day.
New Chapter: I am starting a new chapter in my life, a new phase of my life cycle that may not be what or where I thought it would be but it is where I find myself right now.
New Book: Keep looking forward, my story hasn't been written. I don't have/know the ending.

It seems cliche, I know it does, but its amazing what has opened to me since this revelation, this realization that I can close the book on my past, and just start a new story.

And when I saw the ex… I didn't feel that emotional pull/connection that I have felt in the past. I still mourn (at times) for the relationship, for the loss… but I soon remember to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with it.

Its been an interesting start tot the year. I even started a 2016 memory jar, where I put in positive and memorable things that happen to me in 2016 that I can review on New Years Eve. I started out with a little note.

I am trying to stay positive, I feel I am succeeding. I am holding my motto to heart. I would love to add copout/pictures to my walls… but I am afraid to spend money on extras… But I'm doing well regardless.
Dragonfly 1/21/2016 07:26:00 PM | 0 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Sunday, January 03, 2016

New Page, New Chapter, New Book

I finally have a motto. Something to focus on, something to remind me that my story isn't written yet. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying.

I want to change the themes of both blogs… I love the imagery this one holds, but I really do want that New Page, New Chapter, New Book to transfer into every aspect…
the problem is that I didn't create this them, It was Jan… and I really don't remember how to do it anymore.  Wow…

I am Losing my marbles, they are scattering about. Its hard to remember things I once knew, thoughts I just held, and its ok. So much stress, so much pain for so long. This is my new page, in my new chapter, in my new book… accepting this story as it is. Unwritten with the potential for greatness.
Dragonfly 1/03/2016 02:35:00 PM | 0 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Saturday, December 19, 2015

A Christmas Surprise

I have been feeling very down about being alone for Christmas. I knew I would be working, so that's not the issue… but the feeling of being alone and abandoned was very strong.
UNTIL… a wonderful friend brought me a Christmas gift… some really cool wristbands for my fitbit zip. A really cool surprise.

And Christmas Day I am working at Casino Niagara, and the supervisor wants everyone to bring something a potluck of sorts. When I told her I am celiac she said she would talk to everyone about bringing stuff that doesn't have flour… and they are!!! Its so oil (and highly inconvenient) but WOW… it's something I didn't expect for the other girls to do. One of them even found gluten-free chocolate cake!! It's going to be a good day.
Dragonfly 12/19/2015 12:50:00 PM | 0 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Wednesday, November 04, 2015

An UPdate

I find it interesting that I am using the "light" blog... this is a giant step - but I have been doing well...

Yes, I stress about money, and the number of shifts I am getting.
Yes, I worry about how I will afford medications if R takes me off his benefits - or in 2 years when the agreement is rendered invalid.
Yes, I am concerned about renovations that need to be completed on the house.
Yes, I am lonely, I miss the physical contact - the hugs, kisses, cuddles. The semblences of being loved and in a loving relationship.

That being said... I feel less stress, I am not walking on eggshells anymore. I am singing and dancing getting ready for work... I find myself having fun, smiling and enjoying being busy.

I am doing much better. I am tired, emotionally drained, wanting someone who doesn't want me back - but mostly I miss the company...
and that's no reason to stay in a relationship.

I just need more friends...
and more money.
Dragonfly 11/04/2015 11:38:00 PM | 0 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Tuesday, August 11, 2015


It truly is hard to figure out who your friends are.
Those that are honest in their sentiments... the 'call me if you need to talk'... those that really and truly mean that. Deciding who is true and who speaks just words is a decidedly difficult task.

And I know that I am one of those people.. someone who can listen, and empathize, and give my time to you when you really need it.

But I find people don't call me... they don't want to burden me because I am already so burdened... but here's the thing...

A burdened soul needs the distraction, needs to take their mind of the same crap that is weighing them down. Your distraction, your problems, are not a burden.. they are life.. your life, and they matter. A true friend knows that and wants to be there and listen, and help ease your mind, your suffering, your loneliness.

I am not consumed by the weight of my soul as long as I am busy, as long as I have a purpos, as long as I have someone to talk to. And I want to talk... not about him, not about how hurt I am, not about the confusion, nothing of that sort... I want to talk aobut you, about your life, provide for you the same level of friendship that you have shown me... I am hear for you... whenever you need me...
via email, text, phone, facetime... whatever... we can talk. 

And together, my friends, we will survive.

So thank you to my friends... who have shown their true selves, been true to their words, and been there, for me, as I have been there for you.
Dragonfly 8/11/2015 02:13:00 PM | 0 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Tuesday, June 09, 2015


I have been looking at the lighter side posts... trying to figure out what I used to celebrate. I am having a really hard time with that. I feel lost within my head, and have FORGOTTEN everything that used to give me peace and joy ... you know... before.

But then, the cat came in from outside, and his wet feet skidded across the floor, and I laughed. They give me joy, warmth and comfort. For them I am greatful.

I have books - lovely, scary, mesmerizing books, that transport me to another world, another place, another time, that stop my head from dwelling on my shitty existance. (Just as an aside Stephen Kings' Doctor Sleep was amazing). I am greatful for books, and the fact that my memory is so bad I can reread the same books every year and still escape into them... because I forget the plot - I may remember the gist of it, but I don't remember all the details.

My ipad, as much as I hate that I am always on it, I have those games to interact, and stimulate my brain. I need that distraction, I need the focus it provides, I need that link to the outside world.

Lastly, I have tea. I love tea, it warms, soothes and nourishes. 

Dragonfly 6/09/2015 09:07:00 AM | 0 beautiful people telling me what they think |