... and into the Light

I have left the house 2 times in the last 2 days.
It's only been to a movie with My friend L and then to her house yesterday - to rake leaves.
... A ridiculous amount of leaves.
But it was fun.. A beautiful fall day, outside and having someone to laugh and make fun of at the same time.
WE even had the "garbage men" making rounds around L's street while checking us out. They made 3 passes, and they were funny... picking up leaves and staring. We were very tempted to ask them to come help... Instead of making eyes at us. L said it was the most trucks she has ever seen in her neighborhood.
Like I said.. Fun while raking.

I'm feeling OK. I have found that once acknowledging the fear I can take the steps to leave the house. Of course I need a specific destination and someone/something pushing me out the door... But it's all baby steps and it's getting easier.

But.. I should get to my homework.. I have class and a test tonight... So I must study!

I am proud of myself...
I wanted Doritos last night.
After an hour of contemplation... slight anxiety and a couple of tears, the craving won and I walked out the door, got into the car and drove to the store.

I was only gone less then 10 minutes... but I am calling it a success.

I love those dreams in which you are healthy, skinny, and happy. The ones that, when you wake, you are more confident, more aware of yourself, and feeling the strength you had in the dream has continued into your waking life.

I have no idea now what I was dreaming about... But for 10 seconds when I woke up this morning, I felt like I could conquer the world.

Then I started coughing... My nose was completely plugged up... And I realized that I am in pain.
The realities of the flu.

I miss my dream already.
I'm so much happier there.
(And I don't have the flu.)

My day started out really good, for 10 brief seconds I was normal and had more confidence than anyone on the planet.
How can I hold on to that all day?
Are there words of affirmation that can be said to keep that feeling? I doubt it... Because I was living it in my dream, those feelings, all that self-esteem carried over. It reminds me of what life could really be like (I am not sad about that... It's the normalcy that I crave).

I dream of a life without anxiety, without depression and without those moments of mania. I dream of stability, a husband and dinners out with friends/people I care about. I dream that my friends fulfill their dreams and are just as happy as I am.

I dream of seeing friends both new and old (and being extremely comfortable with it).
I dream about life - non-neurotic.
And I like it.

It's no wonder I want to sleep all the time.
Dreams are the only thing that keeps me going from day to day.

My doctor told me that I have the flu. I thought she was just trying to placate my symptoms since I think they are the side effects of the new medication I am on.

But today, I know it is the flu...
Freezing on minute - sweating the next.
My nose is running.
I'm really tired.
And my back is achy.

It's OK to stay in your pajamas all day when you have the flu - right?
Right?

I should go have a hot bath... that would be nice too.
But - back in the p.j.'s after.

WHOOHOO! {cough}

I got this in an e-mail and thought it worthy of public posting.. I don't normally do this... But it's just a wee bit too much to not share.

McDonald's, Chuck E Cheese, Discovery Zone...
Some of you might not be parents, but you may have nieces, nephews,grandchildren or friends with children. This will pertain to you too. As I read the following, my heart sank. I urge each and every one of you to pass this on to as many people as you can. I cannot stress how important this is!

This is very disturbing news. In addition to the following true story...
Our son lost his watch, and was very upset. We dug and dug in those balls,trying to find the watch.
Instead, we found vomit, food, feces, and other stuff I do not want to discuss. I went to the manager an d raised hell. I came to find out, the ball pit is only cleaned out once a month. I have doubts that it is even done that often. My kids will never play in another ball pit. Now read this:

PRETTY SCARY!!

Hi. My name is Lauren Archer, my son Kevin and I lived in Midland,TN.
On October 2nd, 1999 I took my only son to McDonald's for his 3rd birthday.
After he finished lunch, I allowed him to play in the ball pit. When he started whining later on, I asked him what was wrong, he pointed to the back of his pull-up and simply said "Mommy, it hurts." I couldn't find anything wrong with him at that time. I bathed him when we got home, and it was at that point when I found a welt on his left buttock.
Upon investigating, it seemed as if there was something like a splinter under the welt. I made an appointment to see the doctor the next day, but soon He started vomiting and shaking, then his eyes rolled back into his Head. From there, we went to the emergency room. He died later that night. It turned out that the welt on his buttock was the tip of a hypodermic needle that had broken off inside. The autopsy revealed that Kevin had died from a heroine overdose. The next week, the police removed the balls from the ball pit. There was rotten food, several hypodermic needles: some full, some used knives, half-eaten candy, diapers, feces, and the stench of urine.
If a child is not safe in a child's play area then where? You can find the article on Kevin Archer in the October 10,1999 issue of the Midland Chronicle.
Please forward this to all loving mothers, fathers and anyone who loves and cares for children!
Don't think it's just McDonald's either or that this is something that just started. When my oldest son who is now 9 was small,, the area Burger King,closed their play area for awhile for "remodeling" because in another,town,there had been an incident similar to the one described above that happen @a Burger King .

A little boy had been playing in a ball pit & started complaining of his legs hurting. He later died too. He was found to have snake bites all over his legs & buttocks. When they cleaned the ball pit they found that there was a copperhead nest in the ball pit. He had suffered numerous bites from a very poisonous snake.
Repost this if it scares the shit out of you! Repost this if you care about our kids!!!

AND FYI:
In Florida and other places on the East Coast a group of people are putting HIV/AIDS infected and filled needles underneath gas pump handles, so when someone reaches to pick it up and put gas in their car, they get stabbed with it. 16 people have been a victim of this crime so far and 10 tested HIV positive. Instead of posting that stupid crap about how your love life will suck for years to come of you don't re-post, post this. It's important to inform people, even if you don't drive, a family member might, and what if they were next? CHECK UNDER THE HANDLE BEFORE YOU GRAB IT!!! IT MIGHT SAVE YOUR LIFE! Tell as many people as you can about this serious issue.
Repost with the title: ***IMPORTANT NEWS
I know most of you don't have small Children but you know people that do... So please pass this on.......
Thank you

I nap everyday now.
For 2 hours between 1 and 3pm I lose the ability to remain conscious.

Yesterday I had the priviledge of "borrowing" my landlords dog, Peppy.
He came down to visit me, and curled up on my lap for a nap.

That's the best kind of pet... one you borrow then return, but that loves you nonetheless.

Apparently I am one of the family! Hurray!

Firefly went on a trip... Without me...
I miss her.
and I am very jealous.
Cause she gets to meet one of my favourite people in blogger-land before me.
OH... Yeah.. And she went on a trip without me...

I want her to have fun, relax and play... But I want her here too.

GGRRRR...

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I went for Thai tonight....
Yum!
Good company, good friend, and some laughs.
There was a couple at the table behind us on a first date.
It reminded me how awkward those first dates can be.
Struggling to find things in common, or just to keep the mood going.
Their topics ranged from his love of Starbucks (a 2 year habit) to her temporary job with a friend (didn't catch where)
His chihuahua (it isn't very big) and her love of cats.
His kids and the fact his spare room could easily be converted to a spare bedroom!!!
She seemed so ditzy...
He was so diligent in offering her the take away, and told her rot keep her last piece of gum as he had some in the car. She insisted he take the take away.

This whole take-away process was so funny my friend and I were in tears, laughing so hard. The entire conversation had us in stitches... We were kind of sad when they left - before us.. But we could finally stop laughing long enough to enjoy our curry and spicy vegetables.

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I found a new tea today... It helps my stressed tummy.
I feel better already.