Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Dreams vs Reality
I had the most fucked up dream ever last night.
My Mom and step-dad were still together (or back together, not positive about those details) and he was still an asshole / jerk / compulsive idiot!
One of the “kids” a boy was giving gifts to friends and I was helping wrap and organize. And we were making hot dogs but putting some in hamburger buns and some in sub buns. My sister and brother were both there, my sister creating disorder in the household (her favourite past-time) and my brother was staying out of the way - same as normal. My sister had made food / dinner for herself and would not share.
The computer room was the actual cause of the disagreements within the house - the chair had been banged against the wall and we were being blamed for it.
I commented that I had brought my own computer home and was using it because it was WAY better than his piece of crap - then I went into the computer room and looked at his - yup, it was a piece of crap.
I believe I have become spoiled by my own screen quality and anything else is just irritating and therefore, crap!
But why am I dreaming about this.
WE were never a big happy family.
There was always conflict of sorts.
The 3 children never lived in that house together at the same time, in fact my brother was an occasional visitor and never lived there at all.
That was my rescue house - they took me in when I needed it - and I am grateful, yet, step-dad always ends up a symbol of arrogance and “war”…
Dreams…
My Mom and step-dad were still together (or back together, not positive about those details) and he was still an asshole / jerk / compulsive idiot!
One of the “kids” a boy was giving gifts to friends and I was helping wrap and organize. And we were making hot dogs but putting some in hamburger buns and some in sub buns. My sister and brother were both there, my sister creating disorder in the household (her favourite past-time) and my brother was staying out of the way - same as normal. My sister had made food / dinner for herself and would not share.
The computer room was the actual cause of the disagreements within the house - the chair had been banged against the wall and we were being blamed for it.
I commented that I had brought my own computer home and was using it because it was WAY better than his piece of crap - then I went into the computer room and looked at his - yup, it was a piece of crap.
I believe I have become spoiled by my own screen quality and anything else is just irritating and therefore, crap!
But why am I dreaming about this.
WE were never a big happy family.
There was always conflict of sorts.
The 3 children never lived in that house together at the same time, in fact my brother was an occasional visitor and never lived there at all.
That was my rescue house - they took me in when I needed it - and I am grateful, yet, step-dad always ends up a symbol of arrogance and “war”…
Dreams…
Dragonfly 3/27/2007 08:18:00 AM
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Saturday, March 24, 2007
Epiphane #14978
I'm not bored.
I'm lonely.
I'm not crazy.
I'm mentally unstimulated.
I'm not hungry.
I'm bored.
I'm lonely.
I'm not crazy.
I'm mentally unstimulated.
I'm not hungry.
I'm bored.
Dragonfly 3/24/2007 11:38:00 AM
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Friday, March 23, 2007
I little bit of sanity?
There’s so much going on in my head and in my life I don’t know where to begin.
Today is Friday.
I have had breakfast, taken my pills and finished season 7 of Charmed. Now I am gonna watch The Departed.
My plan after that - maybe I’ll shower, I’d love to finish my book - or at least read for an hour or two.
And I want to go for a walk - it’s nice and sunny out today.
I am having surgery in 7 days. I know I don’t have to justify my reason’s or actions to anyone, yet I question my future (which is actually normal). Kids are fantastic - I like borrowing them, then giving them back when I’ve had enough. Basically that’s why I am doing this. Oh - and I’m insane with a barrel of genetic dis-functions I do not care to pass on. I worry about my nieces as they are in the position I do not want my kids to be in. I’d rather take the chance on giving my love to a child of my choosing without giving that child my disorder.
I may have bipolar disorder but I am not bipolar. It is not my life, it doesn’t dictate my choices, but it makes me think about who and what I am, who and what I want to be, what and with whom I want to live my life. These questions have made me who I am. I have the misfortune of being bound to my life with some of the joys and sadness that goes along with it.
I miss my creativity.
I miss my friend.
I miss my work.
I miss my life.
Yet I realize I never really had them to begin with. I need to find myself and find who and what I want to be, do and realize in this so called life. I am bound by my situation, but I am not bound to it.
Damn - I’m philosophical today.
In 7 days, I am having a laparoscopy and my biggest wish is that it is a permanent result. That the surgery is the be all and end all and I will not have the ability to question my decision or change my mind. I am not worried, I know I am doing what I need to do for me.
Since I have been off work I haven’t wanted to do anything that I planned to do after I went on leave. There is the golf game I wanted to finish, and the next one to finish too. I wanted to read all the books in my library and borrow a list from the library. I wanted to focus an hour a day on my French Studies. It is a dagger in my heart that I haven’t done that. The inability to focus for any length of time has changed my whole perspective. I am a little disappointed, but it is inevitable. And I don’t like it. But it is a part of my life.
I’m a writer today. Not a very good one - but a writer it is.
This movie calls me.
A bien tôt.
Today is Friday.
I have had breakfast, taken my pills and finished season 7 of Charmed. Now I am gonna watch The Departed.
My plan after that - maybe I’ll shower, I’d love to finish my book - or at least read for an hour or two.
And I want to go for a walk - it’s nice and sunny out today.
I am having surgery in 7 days. I know I don’t have to justify my reason’s or actions to anyone, yet I question my future (which is actually normal). Kids are fantastic - I like borrowing them, then giving them back when I’ve had enough. Basically that’s why I am doing this. Oh - and I’m insane with a barrel of genetic dis-functions I do not care to pass on. I worry about my nieces as they are in the position I do not want my kids to be in. I’d rather take the chance on giving my love to a child of my choosing without giving that child my disorder.
I may have bipolar disorder but I am not bipolar. It is not my life, it doesn’t dictate my choices, but it makes me think about who and what I am, who and what I want to be, what and with whom I want to live my life. These questions have made me who I am. I have the misfortune of being bound to my life with some of the joys and sadness that goes along with it.
I miss my creativity.
I miss my friend.
I miss my work.
I miss my life.
Yet I realize I never really had them to begin with. I need to find myself and find who and what I want to be, do and realize in this so called life. I am bound by my situation, but I am not bound to it.
Damn - I’m philosophical today.
In 7 days, I am having a laparoscopy and my biggest wish is that it is a permanent result. That the surgery is the be all and end all and I will not have the ability to question my decision or change my mind. I am not worried, I know I am doing what I need to do for me.
Since I have been off work I haven’t wanted to do anything that I planned to do after I went on leave. There is the golf game I wanted to finish, and the next one to finish too. I wanted to read all the books in my library and borrow a list from the library. I wanted to focus an hour a day on my French Studies. It is a dagger in my heart that I haven’t done that. The inability to focus for any length of time has changed my whole perspective. I am a little disappointed, but it is inevitable. And I don’t like it. But it is a part of my life.
I’m a writer today. Not a very good one - but a writer it is.
This movie calls me.
A bien tôt.
Dragonfly 3/23/2007 10:28:00 AM
| 1 beautiful people telling me what they think
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Saturday, March 10, 2007
Emotional Rebeginnings
Ever notice how easy it is to piss off the people you love. And it’s all emotion based.
No one can live without emotions, we all experience them and we all need to accept that they are there.
That’s what I have learned in CBT. Emotions are a part of life - it’s how you deal with them that makes the difference.
One single situation can create a variety of emotions - both positive or negative - it’s the internal dialogue that triggers our reactions to those.
Keeping emotions bottled up inside can lead to many other health problems. Some worse than others, but problems nonetheless.
I was told once that if you hold all your emotions inside you will eventually explode. I hope that the person I pissed off (who doesn’t read this blog by the way) figures out that I want to help and I will be there when the explosion comes.
Yet - then there is the whole - why do I constantly feel the need to help everyone - maybe it isn’t that I want to help - I just want them to know that there is someone who cares about them, and if I had the resources I could make this world a better place.
My friends are the most important part of my life.
I don’t know what I would do without them.
And there are times I forget where I would be without my friends, and my family for that matter.
I was sent a chain letter today, I don’t care that it was a chain letter - but within it’s contents was this poem. This is what I wanted to remind all my friends about, because I think the message is important.
My mistake was not just sending the poem and not removing the “chain” part of it.
This is the poem:
Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow" I say!
"I will call on Jim Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them. Don't be afraid to express yourself. Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you. Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late. Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.
I have no regrets about sending the chain letter on.
I love my friends.
And I know that somewhere in their hearts they have a space for me.
I just wanted to remind them to express it - somehow.
No one can live without emotions, we all experience them and we all need to accept that they are there.
That’s what I have learned in CBT. Emotions are a part of life - it’s how you deal with them that makes the difference.
One single situation can create a variety of emotions - both positive or negative - it’s the internal dialogue that triggers our reactions to those.
Keeping emotions bottled up inside can lead to many other health problems. Some worse than others, but problems nonetheless.
I was told once that if you hold all your emotions inside you will eventually explode. I hope that the person I pissed off (who doesn’t read this blog by the way) figures out that I want to help and I will be there when the explosion comes.
Yet - then there is the whole - why do I constantly feel the need to help everyone - maybe it isn’t that I want to help - I just want them to know that there is someone who cares about them, and if I had the resources I could make this world a better place.
My friends are the most important part of my life.
I don’t know what I would do without them.
And there are times I forget where I would be without my friends, and my family for that matter.
I was sent a chain letter today, I don’t care that it was a chain letter - but within it’s contents was this poem. This is what I wanted to remind all my friends about, because I think the message is important.
My mistake was not just sending the poem and not removing the “chain” part of it.
This is the poem:
Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow" I say!
"I will call on Jim Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them. Don't be afraid to express yourself. Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you. Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late. Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.
I have no regrets about sending the chain letter on.
I love my friends.
And I know that somewhere in their hearts they have a space for me.
I just wanted to remind them to express it - somehow.
Dragonfly 3/10/2007 10:44:00 AM
| 1 beautiful people telling me what they think
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Thursday, March 08, 2007
The End is at Hand - or is it?
I’m kind of disappointed.
I never thought I would feel like this.
I think the hypo-mania is fizzling out.
And I kind of miss it.
Although, having MY life back will be good - going to the grocery store when I want, buying something I need without having to ask for permission.
But the sheer happiness is ending. It’s not that I am not “happy” or emotional for that matter. It’s just the little things that give it away.
Like sleeping more - and longer. I got 8 hours sleep last night for the first time in ages, I got up to go to the bathroom and actually fell back asleep after. And that’s after having 3 naps yesterday.
I had interesting dreams last night.
In one I found perfume (Shishedo) the original in a gift box for $50 and I was yelling for my friend to bring me my credit card. The cashier/owner felt so bad he gave me a scrabble game too - it was very odd, but I love that perfume - it will always remind me of Phoenix.
The next dream I had I was either a babysitter or a nanny for a family of 7 or 8 kids, the parents went out and I was in charge. We played a treasure hunt game, and it was very weird in itself because it’s goal was to get to a certain part of the yard. Then I realized I was on vacation, visiting people I knew and playing. Work called and told me I had to be back the next day - 3 days earlier than planned or my job was at risk. So many things happened in that dream, I am almost glad I woke up.
Neither were scary, or unpleasant - just a little weird.
I have “CBT” therapy today, I think my mood and behaviour will be a big change from last week - I feel calmer now, more in control. Although I could sleep a little longer. I’m still tired.
I never thought I would feel like this.
I think the hypo-mania is fizzling out.
And I kind of miss it.
Although, having MY life back will be good - going to the grocery store when I want, buying something I need without having to ask for permission.
But the sheer happiness is ending. It’s not that I am not “happy” or emotional for that matter. It’s just the little things that give it away.
Like sleeping more - and longer. I got 8 hours sleep last night for the first time in ages, I got up to go to the bathroom and actually fell back asleep after. And that’s after having 3 naps yesterday.
I had interesting dreams last night.
In one I found perfume (Shishedo) the original in a gift box for $50 and I was yelling for my friend to bring me my credit card. The cashier/owner felt so bad he gave me a scrabble game too - it was very odd, but I love that perfume - it will always remind me of Phoenix.
The next dream I had I was either a babysitter or a nanny for a family of 7 or 8 kids, the parents went out and I was in charge. We played a treasure hunt game, and it was very weird in itself because it’s goal was to get to a certain part of the yard. Then I realized I was on vacation, visiting people I knew and playing. Work called and told me I had to be back the next day - 3 days earlier than planned or my job was at risk. So many things happened in that dream, I am almost glad I woke up.
Neither were scary, or unpleasant - just a little weird.
I have “CBT” therapy today, I think my mood and behaviour will be a big change from last week - I feel calmer now, more in control. Although I could sleep a little longer. I’m still tired.
Dragonfly 3/08/2007 09:17:00 AM
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Saturday, March 03, 2007
A little bit of this - A little Bit of that
It’s a little demeaning being reliant on others to make decisions.
I went into a hypo-manic phase. I’m not allowed to say manic cause there’s a difference and I am not manic - just really hyper and having other symptoms.
So hypo it is.
And well…
Being told by the doctor and the therapist that I am not allowed to drive and I have to relinquish my bank and credit cards to a friend that I trust is not easy.
I had to have a friend take me shopping yesterday because I had an approved list by the therapist. She even signed it - cause that was the promise made.
I don’t feel like a little kid - I just feel like I am incapable of properly looking after myself - which is in actuality quite true.
I am having an interesting time sleeping - Thursday night I slept for 5 hours in a row - it was awesome - last night - not so much.
The good thing about being hypo-manic is that I really don’t’ need the sleep anyway - I can go like the energizer bunny - ah - good times. Sure I take power naps, but - I can live without them.
My therapist told me that I am to relax, stay out of stores unless accompanied by a friend and am shopping from my approved list (no impulse purchases) and find things that amuse me without getting me too worked up.
I figured out I can read if I have my iPod on - that’s cool. I’ve been lacking the concentration to read lately. And I love to read.
I am not allowed to drive to Toronto and help Phoenix out with her move - that saddens me. But the concern is the danger I impose to myself and others while driving - I have lead foot syndrome - and I have no “impulse” control - also easily distracted. Driving for an hour or more is too much…. Sorry Phoenix.
I could have a great time if I had my cards and my car (I’m just being good about not driving, that’s all.)
And I did it.
I went for my physical Friday Morning, and I asked about getting my tubes tied as a permanent birth control method because of the bipolar. I see a gynocologist on the 13th. Quicker than I thought - but that could be for the best.
I went into a hypo-manic phase. I’m not allowed to say manic cause there’s a difference and I am not manic - just really hyper and having other symptoms.
So hypo it is.
And well…
Being told by the doctor and the therapist that I am not allowed to drive and I have to relinquish my bank and credit cards to a friend that I trust is not easy.
I had to have a friend take me shopping yesterday because I had an approved list by the therapist. She even signed it - cause that was the promise made.
I don’t feel like a little kid - I just feel like I am incapable of properly looking after myself - which is in actuality quite true.
I am having an interesting time sleeping - Thursday night I slept for 5 hours in a row - it was awesome - last night - not so much.
The good thing about being hypo-manic is that I really don’t’ need the sleep anyway - I can go like the energizer bunny - ah - good times. Sure I take power naps, but - I can live without them.
My therapist told me that I am to relax, stay out of stores unless accompanied by a friend and am shopping from my approved list (no impulse purchases) and find things that amuse me without getting me too worked up.
I figured out I can read if I have my iPod on - that’s cool. I’ve been lacking the concentration to read lately. And I love to read.
I am not allowed to drive to Toronto and help Phoenix out with her move - that saddens me. But the concern is the danger I impose to myself and others while driving - I have lead foot syndrome - and I have no “impulse” control - also easily distracted. Driving for an hour or more is too much…. Sorry Phoenix.
I could have a great time if I had my cards and my car (I’m just being good about not driving, that’s all.)
And I did it.
I went for my physical Friday Morning, and I asked about getting my tubes tied as a permanent birth control method because of the bipolar. I see a gynocologist on the 13th. Quicker than I thought - but that could be for the best.
Labels: bipolar, friends, hypo-manic, shopping
Dragonfly 3/03/2007 04:42:00 PM
| 3 beautiful people telling me what they think
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