Friday, March 23, 2007
I little bit of sanity?
There’s so much going on in my head and in my life I don’t know where to begin.
Today is Friday.
I have had breakfast, taken my pills and finished season 7 of Charmed. Now I am gonna watch The Departed.
My plan after that - maybe I’ll shower, I’d love to finish my book - or at least read for an hour or two.
And I want to go for a walk - it’s nice and sunny out today.
I am having surgery in 7 days. I know I don’t have to justify my reason’s or actions to anyone, yet I question my future (which is actually normal). Kids are fantastic - I like borrowing them, then giving them back when I’ve had enough. Basically that’s why I am doing this. Oh - and I’m insane with a barrel of genetic dis-functions I do not care to pass on. I worry about my nieces as they are in the position I do not want my kids to be in. I’d rather take the chance on giving my love to a child of my choosing without giving that child my disorder.
I may have bipolar disorder but I am not bipolar. It is not my life, it doesn’t dictate my choices, but it makes me think about who and what I am, who and what I want to be, what and with whom I want to live my life. These questions have made me who I am. I have the misfortune of being bound to my life with some of the joys and sadness that goes along with it.
I miss my creativity.
I miss my friend.
I miss my work.
I miss my life.
Yet I realize I never really had them to begin with. I need to find myself and find who and what I want to be, do and realize in this so called life. I am bound by my situation, but I am not bound to it.
Damn - I’m philosophical today.
In 7 days, I am having a laparoscopy and my biggest wish is that it is a permanent result. That the surgery is the be all and end all and I will not have the ability to question my decision or change my mind. I am not worried, I know I am doing what I need to do for me.
Since I have been off work I haven’t wanted to do anything that I planned to do after I went on leave. There is the golf game I wanted to finish, and the next one to finish too. I wanted to read all the books in my library and borrow a list from the library. I wanted to focus an hour a day on my French Studies. It is a dagger in my heart that I haven’t done that. The inability to focus for any length of time has changed my whole perspective. I am a little disappointed, but it is inevitable. And I don’t like it. But it is a part of my life.
I’m a writer today. Not a very good one - but a writer it is.
This movie calls me.
A bien tôt.
Today is Friday.
I have had breakfast, taken my pills and finished season 7 of Charmed. Now I am gonna watch The Departed.
My plan after that - maybe I’ll shower, I’d love to finish my book - or at least read for an hour or two.
And I want to go for a walk - it’s nice and sunny out today.
I am having surgery in 7 days. I know I don’t have to justify my reason’s or actions to anyone, yet I question my future (which is actually normal). Kids are fantastic - I like borrowing them, then giving them back when I’ve had enough. Basically that’s why I am doing this. Oh - and I’m insane with a barrel of genetic dis-functions I do not care to pass on. I worry about my nieces as they are in the position I do not want my kids to be in. I’d rather take the chance on giving my love to a child of my choosing without giving that child my disorder.
I may have bipolar disorder but I am not bipolar. It is not my life, it doesn’t dictate my choices, but it makes me think about who and what I am, who and what I want to be, what and with whom I want to live my life. These questions have made me who I am. I have the misfortune of being bound to my life with some of the joys and sadness that goes along with it.
I miss my creativity.
I miss my friend.
I miss my work.
I miss my life.
Yet I realize I never really had them to begin with. I need to find myself and find who and what I want to be, do and realize in this so called life. I am bound by my situation, but I am not bound to it.
Damn - I’m philosophical today.
In 7 days, I am having a laparoscopy and my biggest wish is that it is a permanent result. That the surgery is the be all and end all and I will not have the ability to question my decision or change my mind. I am not worried, I know I am doing what I need to do for me.
Since I have been off work I haven’t wanted to do anything that I planned to do after I went on leave. There is the golf game I wanted to finish, and the next one to finish too. I wanted to read all the books in my library and borrow a list from the library. I wanted to focus an hour a day on my French Studies. It is a dagger in my heart that I haven’t done that. The inability to focus for any length of time has changed my whole perspective. I am a little disappointed, but it is inevitable. And I don’t like it. But it is a part of my life.
I’m a writer today. Not a very good one - but a writer it is.
This movie calls me.
A bien tôt.
Dragonfly 3/23/2007 10:28:00 AM
1 Comments:
Although you may see the thigs you have not done or the things you are not able to accomplish as disappointing...you have done so much for yourself...and I am very Proud of you. You are stronger, wiser and much more loveable than you will give yourself credit for. And credit is due to you. Although you may at times think some of the things you deal with are weaknesses they are for the most part what make you strong. I admire your admittance to wonder, do something about the things you want to change and do something for yourself. No regrets will come from these strong decisions.
I stand tall with you, not behind you.
I stand tall beside you, and not in front of you.
I stand tall for you, because you are you.
I Love you.
I stand tall with you, not behind you.
I stand tall beside you, and not in front of you.
I stand tall for you, because you are you.
I Love you.
