... and into the Light

I am finally home. It was a great visit in Windsor - although 3 weeks doesn't constitiute a visit when you are looking after kids.

I can't believe how tired I am - I feel like I have slept the 3 days since I got home, and I am still exhausted. Even driving home from my brothers I had to stop at a service station on the way and nap for fear of falling asleep behind the wheel.

George is returning to normal - happy to be home, he stayed in his cage until tonight then came out for 10 minutes and then went back inside. I think he really missed home.

The newness of the medication - I get blood tests for that, but the exhaustion lingers.
I haven't done my dishes yet, and I really don't want to.
I am over the sinus infection and pink eye I had last week... that was a treat.
And I need a major nap! - one that actually refreshes and renews.

Labels: babble, blogging, ramblings

I am actually not sure which blog this belongs in - it's going to be random and slightly confusing - but I do have a point.

It, apparently, is OK to feel numb and empty on this medication, it means it's working. But I kind of like having emotions and feelings. The moments of total body numbness means the meds are working - but they pass fairly quickly, as long as I don't fall down it's no harm no foul.
It turns out my psychiatrist wasn't confident in my decision to have my surgery - until she went back in her notes... now she's OK with it, as long as I disclose said information to any potential relationships I could be entering.

My surgeon informed me that I have endometriosis, but since he was in there anyway - he burned off the scar tissue and I should have no problems for a while - but I didn't know I was having problems to begin with - so - whatev's!

I am addicted to FaceBook and can play on it all day!
It's fun.
I have found so many people from college that I have dearly missed, and also friends from growing up in Point Clark! Oh boy - the good times!

I have 5 oral presentations to prepare for my 2 classes... yup - 5. I guess I fell behind. I can't wait for these classes to be over I need the break to focus on myself and my recovery and my therapy and... I have way too many books to read!

Right now though - I am thinking a nap is in order - then I want to get at least 2 of those oral presentations done. It shouldn't be too bad.

Crap - and I have to do laundry.

Labels: napping, ramblings, surgury

There’s so much going on in my head and in my life I don’t know where to begin.
Today is Friday.
I have had breakfast, taken my pills and finished season 7 of Charmed. Now I am gonna watch The Departed.
My plan after that - maybe I’ll shower, I’d love to finish my book - or at least read for an hour or two.
And I want to go for a walk - it’s nice and sunny out today.
I am having surgery in 7 days. I know I don’t have to justify my reason’s or actions to anyone, yet I question my future (which is actually normal). Kids are fantastic - I like borrowing them, then giving them back when I’ve had enough. Basically that’s why I am doing this. Oh - and I’m insane with a barrel of genetic dis-functions I do not care to pass on. I worry about my nieces as they are in the position I do not want my kids to be in. I’d rather take the chance on giving my love to a child of my choosing without giving that child my disorder.
I may have bipolar disorder but I am not bipolar. It is not my life, it doesn’t dictate my choices, but it makes me think about who and what I am, who and what I want to be, what and with whom I want to live my life. These questions have made me who I am. I have the misfortune of being bound to my life with some of the joys and sadness that goes along with it.

I miss my creativity.
I miss my friend.
I miss my work.
I miss my life.
Yet I realize I never really had them to begin with. I need to find myself and find who and what I want to be, do and realize in this so called life. I am bound by my situation, but I am not bound to it.

Damn - I’m philosophical today.

In 7 days, I am having a laparoscopy and my biggest wish is that it is a permanent result. That the surgery is the be all and end all and I will not have the ability to question my decision or change my mind. I am not worried, I know I am doing what I need to do for me.

Since I have been off work I haven’t wanted to do anything that I planned to do after I went on leave. There is the golf game I wanted to finish, and the next one to finish too. I wanted to read all the books in my library and borrow a list from the library. I wanted to focus an hour a day on my French Studies. It is a dagger in my heart that I haven’t done that. The inability to focus for any length of time has changed my whole perspective. I am a little disappointed, but it is inevitable. And I don’t like it. But it is a part of my life.

I’m a writer today. Not a very good one - but a writer it is.

This movie calls me.
A bien tôt.

Labels: bipolar, emotions, ramblings

BareNaked Ladies - Friday night - absolutely incredible! Phoenix and I had a fantastic time, and I was stronger than I thought. One major panic attack but just in the crowd awaiting the wristbands/USB cards from the show. BUt we got through it and all was well.

I got home and broke my USB card within a day - stupid balance ball rolled into it and now it doesn't work and I hadn't ahad a chance to transfer the concert into the computer. So... that sucks a LOT!
I got my sweatchirt - but I think I should have gotten a smaller size - even if they say this one will shrink.

I have been addicted to Charmed - cause Phoenix lent me the whole series. She's mean that one - chances are that she knows every single obsession that I have, and uses it against me. LoL!

I was approved for more CBT sessions... damn insurance, only doing things a little at a time. So I get to practice some more. Yeah!

George is being an idiot - so well, nothing unusual there.

My mood is up and down, there's nothing normal about it, therapy is good, my friends have been incredibly supportive, and I am alive. There's something to be proud of. I am in a better mood today than normal, I hope it lasts.

I went to the Mandarin with my landlords/adoptive parents (they think they'll keep me). I am so full I think I could throw up... hehehe.... that's a good meal.
I need to do my homework and I am writing again.

I know in my last couple of posts I sounded bad, I have good days and bad days, I have moments where I am angry at people for hurting my feelings and I have moments where I am completely vulnerable to the mental attacks of others.
Today appears to be a good day
and I'll take it!

Labels: lunch, moods, ramblings