... and into the Light

Friday, September 30, 2005

The Truth Eludes Me

She's staring at the wall again. There's nothing there. But she's sitting staring - she's been there for at least 10 minutes. She sits up then lies down, then sits up again. It is quite unnerving to watch.

Cats are weird.

I was at my psychiatrist this morning reading an article about our new Governor General. Another patient came in amd was pacing... continuously, in and out of the waiting room... and he was sighing, but the pacing was the worse. I almost put the magazine down and watched him as I was fascinated by this behaviour. I knew it was either his medication, or a manic cycle... And I saw myself in that same behaviour. But I realized me staring would have made him feel nervous and that might have made it worse. I then realized that my heart was beginning to race and I needed to get up too... My body was responding to that 'anxiety'?
What!?!
He's making me nervous?
This is weird...

Finally the Dr came and called for me and I followed her to her office and I said "OK - pacing guy, making me a little anxious."
She says "He's harmless. His meds make him unable to sit for any length of time but he feels better. So he doesn't want to change them... I can't argue with him about it yet... So - How you doing?"
OK... That's weird... I learnt about a patient as it realted to my reaction... but craziness... why live that way... I hate the pacing... it is TIRING!!!! Exhausting actually... and he chooses to be that way... that's psychotic. So I feel better about myself today.

I treated myself to a Chai Tea Latte at Starbucks - NonFat of course... YUMMmmm!!!

Why do little treats make us feel renewed?
A haircut and a latte.
Little things that make you feel like a new person... they can refresh and rejeuvinate you and your mood.

It has been a good day.

Now if only someone would clean my house it would be a great day!
Dragonfly 9/30/2005 02:46:00 PM | 3 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The Secret Life of...

There isn't anything special about it. There isn't anything that is out of the ordinary either. She goes to work. Sometimes it is a good day, sometimes smiling comes naturally, sometimes it is forced. She comes home to her pets, the ones that drive her crazy but love her anyway. She sits on the computer and checks her e-mail, the easiest way for her to communicate with people and then maybe watches her shows on TV. If she's lucky someone will find her on IM and she'll find something interesting to chat about - but this is a new attraction, since the new computer... The old one couldn't tolerate it.

Now her life is more... multi-task-able... DSL ROCKS!!!

I don't hate my life.
I'm just comfortable in it.
I think it's time for something more.

My mom and my sister are trying to encourage me to try on-line dating, they think it's time. I am very reluctant. I have been chatting with someone from work but he is so shy and quiet I am having a hard time maintaining a conversation. So I asked some hard questions and when I saw the answers I realized that my energies might be better off pursuing someone else.
I'm quiet too. But I don't want to waste my time. Anymore.

So where do I go from here?

Back to my hole in the ground.
And to work tomorrow.
Because that is what I know.
And that is what I do.
Dragonfly 9/28/2005 08:56:00 PM | 2 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Canada vs. U.S.

The largest country by land mass in the world is Canada. The most "powerful" country is the U.S. We are separated by the longest unprotected border in the world. Yet we have different means of measuring temperature, distance and speed. We have different money and different governing styles...

Some of these differences affect me daily - some affect me more often than others.
Usually it's the money I deal with.

Yesterday it was the spelling differences.
Firefly and I were... well... looking up new words... experimenting as it were. And when we looked up "Dischord" in the thesaurus it came back as being spelled incorrectly. "Discord"

"What?" I said. "I swear I looked it up in the dictionary and the thesaurus before I changed my title - it is the correct spelling."
Firefly responds, "Must be the American spelling on this one then."
"Stupid American's. Learn to Spell!!" says DF... *mostly because I feel kind of like an ass and fear I have been misspelling for months and that is my worse fear.*

Why must there be 2 different dictionaries... Why???
Someone explain this to me?
We speak the same language, we wear the same clothes (unless you're MooCow on a bike) and we travel the same internet...
why can't we share the same words...

Mind you - with the way the school systems are loosing funding the writing has left and spelling has gone out the window so it really doesn't matter, does it?
Dragonfly 9/25/2005 08:46:00 PM | 7 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Saturday, September 24, 2005

A little R and R

It has been the best weekend ever.
I haven't done much.
I can't say I have been overly productive.
But I've talked to a couple of friends.
I've had some IM conversations (I'm new to that 'game' so it's still fun)
My sister and I had a great chat this morning.
It's funny that the clarity has returned and I feel that much better knowing that my friends and family are behind me.
Talking and knowing that I am understood has made a huge difference.
Being able to write freely has helped too.
There was a time (especially last week) when the words were lost to me but now I can express myself again - even if I have nothing to talk about yet...

I guess this is 2 nothing posts in a row...
Dragonfly 9/24/2005 01:06:00 PM | 2 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Stay Home and ...Work Harder?!?!

I took today off work, instead of going in. I thought it would be nice to catch up on laundry, rearrange furniture, get gas before the price doubles, and get some cleaning done.

I am exhausted.

I don't know if I have the energy to go to aerobics tonight...

The computer has been moved, and re-hooked up.
4 loads of laundry done.
Clothes sorted.
The bed moved and a dresser.

I feel better about my chaotic house.

Now I need to actually CLEAN it... the floors need to be cleaned and I need to vacuum... but I can do that tomorrow.
Tonight is aerobics and CSI and ER...

It was a really good day!
Dragonfly 9/22/2005 05:55:00 PM | 1 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Monday, September 19, 2005

I am Cooler Than Cool!!

I can now talk on the phone and blog at the same time. For the first time ever I can multi-task and keep in touch with my real-life friends while I stay up-to-date with my blogger buddies too!!!

And I finally get to see what everyone else sees when they look at my page as my old computer didn't show me my cool page as it really is. But it is pretty cool now that I see it.

Firefly - You are awesome!!
Dragonfly 9/19/2005 11:10:00 PM | 2 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Friday, September 16, 2005

Market Monopolizing Faciscts

I hate BELL!!!
Depise them.
For years they have been the only telephone service provider in Canada and when competition finally was allowed onto the market they still dominate in certain areas. I still HAVE to have Bell for local service as they are the lowest rates and the lowest rates really isn't that low.

Needless to say my abscence on blog over the last few days has not been voluntary.
Yes - there have been times when I have chosen to not write.
I have lurked.
I have only commented.
I have *touched* my Moo-friend.
And not posted anything here or on Chaotic Dichord just because I have nothing of value, or substance to say.

However, since Wednesday, upon returning home from a wonderfully stimulating and terribly exciting day at work...(OK I exaggerate - nothing happened. I live in a dream world OK!!! I admit it)... I discovered that my phone was not working.
Actually Buttercup did the discovering when she tried to call me and got someone else - a Mrs. Beautit (or something else equally ridiculous). When I tried to use my phone to call Buttercup (who by the way lives upstairs) I got a recording from Bell Canada saying that my services had been disconnected. So I called them. Weird that the only number I could call is Bell... not 611, but their 310-BELL number. There is this really cool automated system. Voice activavted. Her name is Emily. She's won awards for being the smartest automated system ever - but when you are annoyed Emily SUCKS!!!!
So when I told Emily that "my phone has been disconnected" she promptly put me through to "Repairs and Technical Support" and told me that my call would be recorded. "Gee... thanks Emily!!"

I was informed - by a person - that the repair call would go out, but they didn't know when my phone would get fixed, or why it was happening.

I had a message on my cell from Emily when I got out of work saying that the repairs would take place on the 16th before 6pm...
BEFORE 6PM!!! That's all day!!!
So I call EMILY back... she then informs me that it is before 9PM!!!! Good god - I have to stop calling - it gets later.... "Customer Service" I nearly yell into the phone...
A customer service representative comes on and tells me that there are so many repairs for Friday that the guys are working overtime - so there's no telling when they will be anywhere. Hopefully I will get gone quickly. Mostly I just want to know if I have to be home. She can't answer that either.

Once again I curse Bell... Damn them.

So far today I have gone to aquafit.
Been shopping at Wal-Mart (I know damn them too!), Giant Tiger and the Grocery Store.
I also got a Green Tea from StarBucks.

And I was here for the Bell Guy.
Who, by the way, was really cute!!!
Not a bad day after all.

I'm thinking about ripping the jack out of the wall just to get him back here.

Good idea?
Dragonfly 9/16/2005 06:58:00 PM | 1 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Random Nothingness

Aqufit tonight - I went down the slide 5 times!!! whoohoo!!!

Had to buy a new bathing suit - I haven't been this small in FOREVER... it is weird to me.

The cat is insane. She keeps trying to climb my leg - I don't know what she wants.

I have a wedding reception this weekend and everyone I have invited to go with me is unavailable. It's at a chinese buffet. An all you can eat dinner wedding reception - should be interesting.
I have no idea what to wear.
I have nothing that fits.
That's a lie - I have a skirt.

I still want to throw out half my furniture - I have too much.
I would love to send it to NewOrleans to people that have nothing so they have something - but they would have nowhere to put it.

I'm tired.
I should go to bed.

Today is the first day in a while I have felt lonely.
And I don't want to be alone.
But I am.
Dragonfly 9/13/2005 11:11:00 PM | 1 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Reflections of...

I look around this room and I see a pottery flower pot my sister gave me. I don't have flowers in it. It holds a book mark, and a used post-it note.
I keep this because my sister gave it to me.
There is an address book beside it that I NEVER use, and a container of paper clips that I don't need.
I have a box set of Disney CD's that I have had for years. I don't know why I bought them. I don't know why I keep them. I should give them away.

I have more throw pillow than one person can throw at any one time...

What I don't see is something that is special to me. There is nothing here that is important.

Oh wait...
There it is.
How could I miss it.
It was right in fromt of me all along.
There's a picture of my best friend and I on the shelf... that's important.
I'll never get rid of that...

Oh... and the cat is sleeping on the futon. She's important too.
I'll keep her.
The futon could go... but the cat I'll keep.
Dragonfly 9/11/2005 10:13:00 PM | 1 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Living in Chaotic Splendor

Somewhere along the way I have collected many things.
A coffee Table that doesn't fit my couch. A writing desk I love but all it does is store stuff, I write in bed or at the computer, or curled up on the couch, not at a desk (and yes I am aware that the cumputer is on a desk - but shut it!!!). There's also all the bird and cat toys that have come to the house... not to mention the numerous movies, video games, lanterns, candles, papers and god knows what else have appeared that I have to 'keep' because they are mine and I apparently need them to survive.

But Do I really NEED all of this stuff?

I have noticed that I have too much stuff for the small space I live in. And I rarely use half of it.
I want to get rid of it but don't know where to start.

The ultimate - I would love to have Clean Sweep come here and do my livingroom/kitchen and bedroom.

Because that would be awesome!!!
I could get rid of lots of stuff!!!
I did throw a lot of stuff out when I moved in March, but I don't think I got rid of enough... there's still a lot.

How much of your life can you throw away, before you lose yourself?
I am still me, but the stuff is still here and untouched. SO... obviously it is unnecessary, I just need to let go.
I look around and wonder why I keep so many things I don't want and don't use.
And why I need to ask permission to let them go.
Dragonfly 9/10/2005 03:00:00 PM | 3 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Friday, September 09, 2005

Treading Water

I have got nothing to say today.
There is nothing going on.

I can't say I am in a good mood, or in a bad mood.
I haven't done anything out of the ordinary. I have only done the things that are necessary.

I feel alnost like I am still in the pool... treading water. Completely calm. Knowing that I could sink if I just decided to stop moving, but I REALLY don't want to do that, I like it up here at the surface.
Up here I can spin around too...
And I do that too...
spinning is fun, it is relaxing and makes me happy.
It's not the same exhilaration as the slide, but it's still a happy feeling.

I'm not ready to swim laps. That's too much work.
For now, I'm content treading water and occasionally spinning around, taking everything in.
Dragonfly 9/09/2005 11:27:00 PM | 0 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

In the Eyes of the Beholder

What is attractive to one person, is not always attractive to someone else.
But when the majority of people look at something and agree that there is no beauty in that object then the word 'ugly' is definitely an appropriate word to describe that item.

We have new uniforms at work. They are... ugly. Words I have heard to describe them include: depressing and dark; pajamas ("I'm wearing my pajamas today, that's fun"); 70's collars...are they cool again?; scary; pitiful.

We had absolutely no say in our uniforms again...
I was one of the few who was SMART enought to know better than to think they were going to look good on ANYONE when we finally saw them. But the extent of the ugliness astounds even me. This is a shirt that buttons up to the neck - 2 buttons at the top (cause one just ain't enough for the 3 inch collar thank you!!!) this collar goes to my hairline at the neck... and long sleeves. VERY long sleeves. Colour - well, my department is teal, grey and black vertical stripes.

Thankfully I do not have the ability to post a picture of the new look (so sorry) so anyone who wants to see will have to make a trip to the good old casino to check it out!!!

The best thing I can say about this is that the uniforms are supplied to us and I don't have to pay for dry-cleaning...
Dragonfly 9/07/2005 08:09:00 PM | 1 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Monday, September 05, 2005

If Found Please Return...

The first day back to work after vacation can (and usually is) the longest and most trying day EVAH!!!
Mine was tedious.
The same people, in the most wonderful spirits.
The Fake smile was in full use today.

I really had to force myself to be chipper and then I was terribly saddened when I discovered that I had only been at work for 2 hours... WHAT?!?!?! I could have sworn I had already worked for at least 4... bastards were slowing the clock again!

But... trooper I am, I fought the good fight and battled on.

About 7 hours into my shift, one of the guys asked me how it was going...
me: This sucks. Can I go now?
guy: I'm only here for the Money!!! *does little dance*
me: Money? *light goes on over DF's head* Time and a half today... SWEET!!! You just made my day!!
guy: Seriously. You worked all day and didn't realize that was today. *shakes head, and rolls eyes*
me: First day back after vacation. I just knew I had to show up... what more do you want from me?

So I ask this?

If any one knows where I left my brain this week, could they please return it. As it turns out, I do need it...

THANKS!!!
*giggle*
Dragonfly 9/05/2005 08:50:00 PM | 0 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Sunday, September 04, 2005

That's All, That's All

Taking today to do nothing was a really good idea. I thought I might do more writing, but I didn't. I thought I might do a lot more crying, but the couple of moments I had were apparently all that were necessary.

I played 'The Sims'. Spidid, highly addicting game, taking way too much time, preventing me from doing anything...um... purposeful. Ok... I wasn't actually planning anything with a purpose today, but I could have gone outside for a walk. As it turns out I did leave the house, but only to drive a friend to the Walk-in clinic... that was not planned and I didn't really want to go - I only did it out of pity (cause she sounded horrible on the phone) *sticks out tongue* if it wasn't for that I would NOT have turned off the PS2 or left the house I can almost guarantee it!!!

I bugged the cat, and watched the bird do a bizarre mating dance. Very cute.

And I ate lots of noodles... with chopsticks.
Why?
Why not!!!
Actually...I didn't feel like making anything else, or going OUT to get real food (who really wants to chop veggies for a salad - NOT ME!!! cause that was the other choice. Noodles won in the bird toss - hehehe;)

Now I am avoiding going to sleep. Nope...I don't feel like thinking about why. So don't ask. I'll go to bed when I'm good and ready...

And I actually wanted to post about last night...
But... I got distracted.

Too many pictures...

He's so cute.
I made an ass of myself.
He pointed at me.
Then he talked to me later.
It was awesome.
Words couldn't describe....
I touched his arm... he signed my CD...
That was the second time I talked to him last night...
Bastards' married.
Damn.

I love that CD. It was amazing live too.
The BNL stuff was great too.
He's a genius.

He messed up the words to a couple of songs and blamed Tyler on one of them... he was playing a solo, acoustic show... It was funny.
He's still a genius.

I'm rambling.
I should go to bed.

Thanks FF for the pictures.
You are a great friend.
Dragonfly 9/04/2005 11:59:00 PM | 1 beautiful people telling me what they think |