... and into the Light

maybe she's just misunderstood.

I recieved a note today.
She wished me well on my new adventure and said that I was like the sister she never had and if for any reason I ever wanted or needed to come back I could. She also thanked me for my friendship and said that she would always be here for me.

The note seems very sincere and it makes me feel as if she really is happy for me...
It really is time for me to go and she is accepting of that, knows it is time and is truly happy for me.

I am glad I wrote the note that I did (even if it was 50% BS), but I at least the next month will not be tense and bitter and I haven't lost a "friend". She's not a BAD person, I think she's just lonely and maybe a little misunderstood.

I am still glad to be leaving!

She wasn't scary, or mean.
She was quite nice actually.
She was surprised I wanted to go back to work and disagreed with the second opinion doctors opinion. He said that I couldn't handle the responsibility of the money... I told her I can handle the money - it does not worry me, the people worry me, freaking out and crying, that worries me.
So we discussed my going back to work to my own job, but on restricted hours (4 hours a day to start 3 days a week and then build the hours up as long as I am comfortable and not stressing and still balancing at the end of the shift... this increase would take 8 - 10 weeks.
The insurance company would cover the hours that I was not being paid at the casino, so I would still be getting my full pay.

I may get to go to work soon!

YEAH!!!

I can't believe it...
She actually told me she was happy for me.

Today I picked up boxes from the liquor store and packed books and SOME of my movies - then I ran out of boxes.
I am psyched...
I have a list of things to do and I want to not be rushed so I want to do a little everyday...
I have even enlisted friends to help already.

Tomorrow I have that Rehab specialist appointment and then I want to pull out the storage boxes I already have and pack that stuff away.

I am looking forward to it.

I am looking forward to packing all my pictures and candles and little special things now so that when I unpack them a month from now I can be reminded of how much they mean to me - is that silly? Pack now so that I MISS the things I see daily and take for granted.
Maybe that's why I am looking forward to the move...
A brand new start with all new things.
Even if they aren't new!

I am moving.
Out of this basement.
And into another one.
But I will be rid of the psycho.
And I have my own space.
AND WALLS.

I wrote her a letter thanking her for her help and her friendship and apologizing for the late notice (I only gave her 1 month) but as we don't have a lease or written agreement I don't have to give her any more notice than I did. As it turns out she was planning on raising my rent and was going to tell me - but has not to this point - I think it funny.

So I am going to be busy.
Packing and planning.

Of course I will still have time to post...

I beat Jack Nicklaus!
AND
I finally beat Seve Ballesteros!!!

Unfortunately Rich Beem and Arnold Palmer still ellude me... but I will prevail...

I know I will!
I have faith and skill...
I just need a little luck!

I got a fire going. YES - with the scary logs that smell vaguely of gasoline... but they are safe. Tan has been using them all week.

and... well...

It is hot in here.

I am in my shorts and a tank top...
and I am hot! My lips are dry and there is steam coming out of the water jar (fake fish tank) that I have on top of the woodstove!

I LOVE IT!!!


It is finally nice down here! *even if it is temporary*
George is thrilled - he even enjoyed his bath (feather conditioning spray)... he hates that stuff usually!
I won't have to turn on the electric blanket tonight!!!

I think the heat is why I didn't do well at golf - out of my "natural" element... I'll test this theory tomorrow!

It is now edit #1... 45 min later... and I think it may be too hot too sleep!!!! WOOHOO!!!

Edit #2...
I realized Edit #1 was in the wrong stop so I had to fix it...

I have a fire going tonight too...
it isn't as hot yet...
I wish it would be tonight is supposed to be brutally cold...

My dream 18 course has a Prestige rating of 91. I don't know if that is good or bad... but as soon as I built it I was challenged by Seve Ballasteros. I made the course so hard I can't beat it - but I haven't beat Seve in the Tour yet either. I even took the time to Tiger Proof it and made all the holes consistant colour wise and the sky and cloud formations are the same on every whole - it is really cool... The grass is mowed the same direction and the bunkers are all raked in a diamond pattern! I am a geek!

I beat Charles Howell III, Justin Rose and Notah Begay last night and that unlocked a whole bunch of stuff but I am not sure what... then Arnold Palmer Kicked my butt... but it was 3am and I was tired so I should not have started the game and just gone to bed...

I am going to go see what damage he can do to me now - but it should be fun!

According to the news, today is the worst day of the year. It is the day that is traditionally the most depressing, with the worst weather.

It is funny because as I was talking to Em we were discussing our desire to stay on the couch in our jammies and not do anything.
For me it's not that I'm depressed - I'm just tired after a very busy day yesterday.
She had a very busy weekend with her kids and she had cleaned the house this morning and was done for the day!

I addressed some envelopes and then I went to the store and did some grocery shopping... I was proud I left the house... but am still tired and ready for bed...
I wish I was sleeping better.

either that or the blogger is ready to collapse.
I can't read my comments on my previous entry. And it is being very slow.

I think I should e-mail support!

Weird!
Either that I have entered the TWILIGHT ZONE!

I wish I had a scanner so I could post a picture of her. She was so beatiful and she was my best friend. Actually, she was the female equivelant of my soul mate. I used to laugh when she said that but thinking back it is the only thing that makes sense now. With no one else have I been so in tune with, we would know what the other was thinking even when we were 3 hours apart and there was no way I could lie to her.

The first time I had sex she called me at 9am the next morning and asked me if I was OK. It was a one night stand and she instantly knew. I told her I was fine but I think she knew I was going to be hurting and regret it later.

I knew that she really loved her husband but was not happy in the marriage, she was only with him for the security it provided her daughter while Bec was sick and when I asked her about it she cried and asked why we even bothered keeping secrets from eachother.

Becca was the strongest, kindest, most giving person I knew. She sacrificed everything for her daughter and her family and it cost her her life. The beautiful part is that now I have a guardian angel watching over me, she won't tell me how to live my life, or lead me down a specific path, she'll just hold my hand along the way and remind me that she's there whenenver I need her.

I miss you, Becca.
And Thanks for showing me how beautiful Life can be.

I started watching The Simpson's Season 5. It has all of my favorite episodes.

A good gift if you ask me.

Who needs the Quik-E-Mart!
Not Me!!!

I love this show.

Golf is going well.
I built me Dream 18 course and can't win on it. I made it too hard for me! How funny is that. I need to log in to EA games and find out what a good prestige rating is as I have a 91 and don't know whether or not that is a good or mediocre rating... it doesn't say!
Why is that?

Anyway.
I really just feel like babbling about nothing.. so I'll go.
Ciao for now all!

George was beter.
He was keeping his eye open, and it wasn't swollen. So I continued the drops until yesterday morning and then tonight it started again...
LITTLE BASTARD!!!
So I got him.
Drop square in the eye. HAHAAHA.
He didn't like it.
But he sang to that peanut for half an hour... I have a headache...
I'll get him again later!
Here's hoping!

My sister is teaching English in Japan. Over Christmas she went on a 'vacation' to Bali. Bali is an island in Indonesia. When news of the Tsunami came in they mentioned Indonesia, Thialand, and lots of other devestation but the maps did not show a lot of detail. The rule we have with my sister (since Japan has an earthquake problem too) is that she e-mail in time of crisis and let us know she is OK. Well Boxing Day we got 1 e-mail. And then nothing else...

I e-mailed her 2 days ago and today she replied and I cried. She was completely fine. Bali wasn't hit at all, not event the waves were affected, too far south. But she had friends vacationing in Thailand - one got washed out to sea, but was rescued.

I was so happy to get that e-mail today. As short as it was, it helped me remember that as chaotic as life seemes it can all be washed away in an instant. I am glad I am here and I ca still talk to my sister.
And the other good news - she should be home next Christmas - debt free!

I've been watching the bird.
He's adorable.
With his head turned and beak resting just below his shoulder. his wings slightly spread to cover his sides and his tail slightly fanned. His cheeks are puffed out too. Basically, he's all poofy.

Oh, now he's preening his wings. With one foot lifted up, and his wing wide open. Head moving up and down along all of his feathers, meticulously cleaning each one... now I feel bad for clipping his wings, he's got 4 less feathers per wing. It's so cute, he does it with BOTH eyes closed.

I could watch him all day... But he only preens for an hour... Then I get to do his head... He'll cuddle into my hand and I'll get to hear him purr...

He's so cute...
My suck... my bird...

The cold sore, the sniffles, the sneezing, the head ache and the shivers. I don't feel absolutely horrible, I'm just tired and I have a hideous cold sore...

I think it's the change in weather... again...
or maybe bacause it is so friggin' cold in here...

I'm being evil though... (That evil test should have rated me higher I think)... I have a space heater and I am using it even though I have turned up the furnace too! AND Tan asked me not to use it last year... but I just can't handle the cold any more and the bird is sick too! I have been using the heater for over a week, during the evenings, and some afternoons, and I put it away when I leave (just in case she comes down stairs).

I just don't care! I want to be warm.
AND I like it!

I realize, after writing today's earlier post, that I wrote of my life expectations up to this point... those that haven't happened as fate has had other plans.

So I've been thinking... what are my life goals now...

I still want to get married
I still want kids (whether or not I give birth to them is in question)
I want to write a novel... fiction
I want a house of my own
I want mental stability

I don't have a time line... Not like before...
Before 40 would be nice but I accept that life happens and that things change.

As for who will be with me...
I hope it to be J, I hope I have the patience to wait... I hope he's worth it.

I did something I never thought I would do... I asked J if our relationship was worth the wait. I reminded him that when we started dating I had not wanted a long courtship and that here we are over 2 years later exactly were we started. I asked what was happening (appartently he is saving for our future) and asked where I fit in. He asked if I had thought about getting a job in Toronto and I reminded him that I have no reason to move, and that I won't move into the City without a guatantee of commitment (ie a ring). So if he gets me a ring I will start applying for jobe then we can look for a house, or apartment and I will move.

I told him that I am VERY frustrated living in the house in which I live and that I had said that I wanted this to be the last place I lived before I moved in with my future spouse but I am very quickly reaching my breaking point. We also talked about my moving in with Em (again that is on the table - Tan is a twit). He said that he would be more than willing to help me move and that we could invite a couple of friends done to help... it would be no problem... And it is probably going to happen in March.

But I told him...
it's not that I want a time line
Or to force an ultimadum
I just want to know that I am not wasting my time.
He said I am not.

I also said that the longer he lives at home, the harder it will be for his parents to let go of their control of his life. I also mentioned that His parents (mom especially) seems borderline verbally abusive, but he said it just depends on how you interperet it. I see her, and hear her talking down to him and it bothers me as that was the milder stuff I had to put up with growing up.

At this point in my life I wanted to be married with a kid, have a house and a job that paid the bills that I didn't hate going to. Instead I find myself with a job that pays the bills that I usually like but don't morally agree with. I live in a house that isn't mine that reminds me of a dungeon, and I am single and childless in a long-term, long-distance relationship with no savings and a lot of debt... oh.. and a bird... can't forget the bird.
I also find myself in the throngs of a mental illness that is so for, difficult to control, and irritatingly confusing... BUT on some bizarre level... I am OK. I am surviving, I am in control and I am grateful in my ability to assess and deal with my life situation as it plays out.
I don't think this blog should be in the choatic dischord as I am discovering the beauty of this thought.
I might actually be achieving happiness...
DAMN these meds are good!

I AM A SUPERSTAR!!!

Actually, I achieved Superstar status on Tiger Woods. So exciting.
I am very proud of myself!

Okay.
Done patting my own back.
Going out for dinner now.
Ciao for now.

Not a happy puddin'

He's pretty bitter at me.
Hates the drops, they don't sting or anything but you'd think I was pulling out his feathers AND poking him in the eye at the same time.
He snaps and squawks and that is if I can get him to come out of the cage.

His only happiness is the peanut that comes after the drop...
I may have to buy more before the end of the week!

He's sleeping a lot today. Not playing either.
I think he's just staying away from me!
Poor turkey!

He's OK.
No sign's of infection. Or scratches. or inflamation.
He's lost weight... over 10 grams since spring... nothing to worry about considering he is eating a lot and is VERY active (according to the vet!)

So I get to put anti-biotic drops in twice a day! Just in case... because something is wrong as he is protecting the eye. He said it could be dry eye, and in that case the drops will help but won't cure it... So if nothing changes in 2-3 weeks I am to go back. If he gets better, it's cool... If it gets worse, call immediately!
NICE!!
But we're home and he's happy, with a peanut!!

I haven't decided if this is the beginning stages of a manic cycle or if I am just really happy?!?

I am sleeping normally (8-9 hours) and am waking up in a good, if not weird mood. I don't want to just sit and stare blankly at the TV, but I will play golf. I have things to do (today George needs to go to the vet, he has a cold or eye infection or something - I'll keep you posted). But I am in a good, bouncy and energetic mood. I guess that isn't manic. It has to be the increase in meds... I see the Doctor on Thursday and I guess I'll see what she says then...

it just seems like it has been so long since I have felt like this...
I really want it to last...
Just like this...
I like it!


Oh... Just so I don't have to do a second post...

George...
it started Boxing day... (Good day to get sick)
He started keeping his left eye closed, even when sitting with no one around, he slept even more than normal, and was very nervous around me. He's still eating and playing so I have absolutely no idea... I thought it might be behavioural (but he's still doing it and it is consistant in the same eye a week later). I called the vet and he goes today... yet t his morning he was running around the room from toy to toy checking everything out... still shutting that eye when I pet him... but not the right one... AAAhhh...
His appointment is for 2:45. I may have to wait.
The dr. is a busy man. Don't worry. He'll be fine. I'll probably have to put drops in again... I hate that!

I am playing Tiger Woods 2005 on the PS2.

Tonight I achieved CHAMPION status in the game and Tiger himself told me that I am pretty good at the game... heeheehee...

It is cool.

I have never played a game like this before that I have unlocked stuff without "cheating" and I am very proud of myself... so I have to brag!

I am only playing the Legends Tour right now so I can get enough Tiger coins to build my own course, then I'll do the 10 year PGA tour... it's a long game... I love it!

But I'm going to bed...
My fingers hurt from all the golfing!
Need my rest for tomorrow's big game.

CD...

Robert Downey Jr.
Futurist is the name of the disk.

It is mellow and deep and I believe he wrote it in rehab... but he has a great voice and I absolutley adore it...
The music is great.
I think it should be depressing too, but it isn't affecting me at all.

I can't even tell you the name of my favorite track, or lyrics...
I copied the disk from my sister-in-law...
I could search for them... I know where... but I don't have a printer and I really don't care that much...

I just love the music...

Woke up with a headache. Not a big deal as am still in a relatively good mood. I think this new dose of meds is kind of nice. Nothing really bothers me for very long - everything is kind of funny, and serious stuff - like the possible move of 2 days ago wasn't as stressful as a possiblity as it would have been a month ago... or maybe it was and I just FORGET now that it is over!

My memory is bad... I know that...
here's today's example.

I had to take the car... my little baby for an oil change and check up. Yippee... now I can go on a long drive again. (Although apparently I really need new front brakes... crap, it never ends!) So after I decided to go to the grocery store... but I forgot the LIST.

Okay... okay... I've been looking at this list everyday. It's by the computer. I know it...

So I go into the store, go up and down all the ailses, I have lots of time, RIGHT! Then I get home and check the list.

Peanuts for George... check... whohooo I remembered...Finally!

Damn...
I forgot the parmesean cheese...AGAIN!!! that's twice.

MILK!!! how can I forget milk...
Okay I remembered tomatoes and tomato sauce, and the ground beef. And I got vegetable soup. I also forgot swiffer cloths and I went to Wal-Mart which is where I normally get those, and I was in that aisle too...oh man, I suck... thank goodness I didn't NEED toilet paper!

I didn't do to badly...
So I've started another list...
AGAIN!!!

I think I need to tack the list to the door...
but the decision to go to the grocery store was impromptu, so what do I do if it is next time too... I have way too much free time...

Who know's what I'll do next...

And then I made a rockin dinner...
steak and broccoli with fried mushrooms... YUMMY!
I really like myself today.
Now I am full and ready to golf...

And I like roller coasters, but this one is wreaking havoc with my insides... Not so much that I have to puke, but I just might have to go lie down... maybe.

So Em and I talked... again.

The guy that is currently living there gave her the rent (which is what started this whole fiasco inthe first place) and we talked about the pro/con list. I siad that if I list Tan as 1 reason and take our freindship as a major issue, the cons outweigh the pros by 3 major points. She said that she agreed. Our friendship is much to important to us and the thought of losing it is terrifying to her as well. The idea is good... besides the financial strain of the move on me would be a lot... she would hate to see me go through that, especially when I have worked so hard to save a little.
And then there is the 'J' factor...

So for now I am staying put...
unless I look and find an apartment in the sky (above ground) that would make it worthy of an actual move...

And as for the dog, I am actively looking for a new home for him... I have asked a couple of friends from work if they are interested. He needs a better life, then I'll feel better. Besides Tan already said she would give him up!

I'm off the Golf - Tiger Woods 2005 - here I come!!!

and I still don't know what to do...

I didn't do my Tarot last night.
It was getting late.

J says that he cannot influence this decision, it has to be all mine. I agree. But, I was hoping he would just speak up about something... Remind me about anything I may or may not have said...

I have so much to do this week already, And I see my psychiatrist on Thursday... I wonder if I will need her guidance before then...

This is such a heavy decision...

I'm gonna play golf for a while and relax...
Mind you I'll probably suck as I'll still be thinking about it!

I have the opportunity to move from the basement I have lived in for the last 4 years and move into the basement of my "friend Em's" house.

It is a 2 bedroom, private entrance, separate kitchen, laundry facilities, big bathroom, closer to work (whenever I go back) and the rent will be the same. There's a gas fireplace as well. It will also be warmer than this house is as Em keeps the temperature higher. I'll save lots of money on Firelogs and tealights!

Moving in with a friend worries me as it is not always a good idea, but we already said we could set ground rules (ie. call first if want to visit).

BUT -

I would still be in a basement, it may still be dark. Moving costs and how and who will help, I have a lot of stuff!!!
I won't be giving 2 months notice (but Tan is a PITA and she treats me like I'm a lesser being so is that any better).
I have to pay for cable/satellite or something if I want the cooler channels...
I need to buy a microwave too!
Em has kids and it could get noisy, as the walls are thin and you can hear everything. Also vice versa... anything I do - she can hear!!! So how much privacy is there really!
She has cats (which I love and am allergic to), and she smokes (which I hate and am allergic to). But it is all separate and the cats are upstairs with her!

It appears that the con list is longer than the pro list!!!
BUT I haven't mentioned the big PRO!!!

I would be away from TANYA!
She's not the smartest cookie in the jar, but thinks she's chocolate coated! After 4 years it's getting old.
She ignores and leaves the dog and never walks him, it is getting harder and harder to respect someone and I feel really bad for the dog! He doesn't have his shots either.
She talks about me behind my back, and talks about others to me. I hate that.
I won't have to "chat" anymore about nothing!
I won't have to listen to her excuses about not shoveling the walk or the driveway even though it is her job as landlord.


J's only concern is the smoke. Em doesn't think it will be a problem.
I have trepidations about so many things: leaving the home I have known for so long, this is the last place I thought I would live before I moved to Toronto with Jared. I worry about ruining my friendship.
If I leave here and it doesn't work where will I go, as I will not find a place for this low a rent anywhere else.
I just don't know if I can wait another year for J to make up his mind.

AAAaahhhh!!!!!!!!!!

I am quite content with my decision to stay in last night.
I don't know if I was afraid of having regrets this morning, but I am in a good mood. Ready to... well... clean the bathroom. (It's a little messy.) But, I am not inclined too wallow in self pity like my roommate said I would be if I didn't go anywhere. Mind you I would like to stay under the electric blanket and read, but that's because it's like 8C in here and I'm freezing. Ok that's an exageration... I sleep under a toasty blanket so getting up to a cooler room is not nice, takes the body a little while to adjust. I have to consider the fact that George is happy, preening away on his favorite perch, so it can't be that bad.

Last night I had my Harry Potter marathon, ate an apple and some Jelly Belly jelly beans, and then went to bed at 2AM. I relaxed and have absolutely no qualms about staying in... Feel kind of bad for Firefly, her night sucked. She would have had a better time with me! But she would have eaten all my Jelly Belly's!