... and into the Light

I did something I never thought I would do... I asked J if our relationship was worth the wait. I reminded him that when we started dating I had not wanted a long courtship and that here we are over 2 years later exactly were we started. I asked what was happening (appartently he is saving for our future) and asked where I fit in. He asked if I had thought about getting a job in Toronto and I reminded him that I have no reason to move, and that I won't move into the City without a guatantee of commitment (ie a ring). So if he gets me a ring I will start applying for jobe then we can look for a house, or apartment and I will move.

I told him that I am VERY frustrated living in the house in which I live and that I had said that I wanted this to be the last place I lived before I moved in with my future spouse but I am very quickly reaching my breaking point. We also talked about my moving in with Em (again that is on the table - Tan is a twit). He said that he would be more than willing to help me move and that we could invite a couple of friends done to help... it would be no problem... And it is probably going to happen in March.

But I told him...
it's not that I want a time line
Or to force an ultimadum
I just want to know that I am not wasting my time.
He said I am not.

I also said that the longer he lives at home, the harder it will be for his parents to let go of their control of his life. I also mentioned that His parents (mom especially) seems borderline verbally abusive, but he said it just depends on how you interperet it. I see her, and hear her talking down to him and it bothers me as that was the milder stuff I had to put up with growing up.

At this point in my life I wanted to be married with a kid, have a house and a job that paid the bills that I didn't hate going to. Instead I find myself with a job that pays the bills that I usually like but don't morally agree with. I live in a house that isn't mine that reminds me of a dungeon, and I am single and childless in a long-term, long-distance relationship with no savings and a lot of debt... oh.. and a bird... can't forget the bird.
I also find myself in the throngs of a mental illness that is so for, difficult to control, and irritatingly confusing... BUT on some bizarre level... I am OK. I am surviving, I am in control and I am grateful in my ability to assess and deal with my life situation as it plays out.
I don't think this blog should be in the choatic dischord as I am discovering the beauty of this thought.
I might actually be achieving happiness...
DAMN these meds are good!

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