... and into the Light

Sunday, September 26, 2004

The Weekend With The Boyfriend.

Well it was interesting.
I must admit to feeling anxious throughout most of the weekend, although I am unsure as to whether that being because of Jared or because of being away from home. We went out to get something to eat (just to the mall) and I didn't wasn't really sure what to say to him. Then on the way back to his place the anxiety hit and I said that I wanted to go home. We went for a walk and talked and I asked him what he understood about my condition and then I explained how his actions - seemingly innocent seem to me. I asked where our relationship is going and stated that at this point I do not even know if I am capable of having a relationship - we aren't even in one...

but we talked and he was very understanding and he told me that he loves me and has plans for OUR future and is VERY into me and wants to be with me. So I guess it is my turn to get into me...
Dragonfly 9/26/2004 10:51:00 PM | 0 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Thank-you FF

For the Surprise, spur of the moment, out of the blue, drive down and visit. It was fabulous seeing you.

And absolutley next time I will drive up there to see you... You rock!

DF
Dragonfly 9/23/2004 09:44:00 AM | 1 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Today's thought.

I AM THANKFUL

FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE THAT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES
THAT I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM EMPLOYED.

FOR THE MESS
TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES
THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW
THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND THAT I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH THAT SINGS OFF KEY
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY.
FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.
Dragonfly 9/22/2004 01:29:00 PM | 0 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Where there is darkness - there is shadow too...

It has not been the best of emotional weekends. I am isolating myself and avoiding everything. AND everyone. I am doing everything to avoid the issues too. And I don't quite know what to do. I do not feel as if my boyfriend understands what I need and want in a relationship and yet I refuse to explain to him those same wants and needs beyond the first conversation. I realize that men need direction and encouragement and that they are generally clueless - but why should I repeat myself when the person who says he would do anything for me should be listening to me and acknowledging my wants and needs.
But what do I really want - and do I really want him? Do I even want anyone? Do I know who I am?

Apparantly I am down again... whoohoo!
Dragonfly 9/19/2004 08:47:00 PM | 0 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

My week so far...

I had the pleasure of going out to Morgam's Point with Lisa (the cool roommate). Her parents have a cottage out there. It was amazing - so quiet and peaceful. I didn't want to come home. I really missed my bed though - I hate futons - I think they should be outlawed. But I did find a cumfie spot - a hamock seat - in a tall oak tree. I sat there for hours yesterday and today - I read and wrote in my journal and napped. I walked on the beach - the water was warm but I didn't go swimming. I did absolutely nothing except get a bit of a tan and I calmed down a bit. I don't think I am going to like being off of work - Lisa says that since I have the time I have no excuses and should take the classes I say I am going to take. I am going to go to register tomorrow and start classes asap - just computer upgrades for now!

That will give me something to do.
Dragonfly 9/15/2004 07:22:00 PM | 0 beautiful people telling me what they think |

Sunday, September 12, 2004

The more frre time you have the less you have to do.

I guess I should explain.

I was put on a new mood stabilizer 3 weeks ago and three hours after I started the meds I got a headache that lasted until yesterday. I stopped the meds and my doctor has put me on a new one and short-term disability. So now I am home all the time - with no money (the payments haven't started yet and I lose a weeks pay) and I am pacing myself to stay busy.
I started cleaning - and moving furniture in the process. I am going through drawers and throwing out junk. I have given myself projects as well - organize pictures into photo albums, sort out my file folder, organize the computer desk. You know -that sort of thing.

I am not looking forward to being home - the Dr even said I should move above ground - the basement as nice and roomy as it is is not good for me. I am really torn about what to do - this does not help my event schedule at all.

Anyway.

I go on and on and on...

So I will go - I want to clean the bathroom before bed.
Dragonfly 9/12/2004 08:29:00 PM | 0 beautiful people telling me what they think |