... and into the Light

My sister-in-law and I had a discussion about family last weekend. Namely, that we are as close to our families as we allow ourselves to be.

She told a story about her brother going to Italy with their parents and saying to cousins that he wished his family in Canada was as close as they all were in Italy. His Mother (my sister-in-law's mother) was very upset and said to him that if he wanted that closeness with his family in Canada then he needed to spend more time at home and with his cousins and other family members than with his "friends" and then he would have that same closeness.
OF course - that makes perfect sense... but where's the fun in that, RIGHT!

Family has a different meaning to different people.
We take them for granted that they will always be there.
We assume that they will be around when and if there is something that we want and or need.
However if as individuals we don't take the time to allow them into our lives they won't take the time to acknowledge us when we call for help.
My sister-in-law's Italian family has cousins as their friends - not "outsiders" so they hang out with eachother all the time... not other people. So for them, they see eachother as often as I would see my friends (OR MORE).

My sister-in-law said something to me that hit me as sad... and made me realize that I really don't allow anyone into my life the way I should.
She said that she has no idea how I spend my time.
I realize that I keep my family at a distance because they have always, made fun of me, always belittled me in some way, and as such I have not allowed them the ammunition for more emotional defamation. I forget that as adults we may be past that "making fun" of each other part of being siblings and actually be able to have a conversation that doesn't leave one of us hurt, crying, or offended... maybe.

But my friends... They know how I spend my time. Sort of. Of course, sometimes I alter my "schedule"... I spend more time with them than I spend with my family. I have always preferred the company of my friends to my family. Mostly because you choose your friends, they are companions that have qualities that mirror or accentuate your own. I choose friends that make me laugh, who have similar interests and who can put up with my ever shifting moods... luckily I have a couple that are accepting and love me for me... and sushi!

Family you are born into... you don't choose them, people clash, but the love is still there. There must be a conscious decision to get along and be friends. It must be a mutual decision to be friends, as well as family, when you are adults and siblings. And geographic distance makes it that much more difficult to stay in touch.

Where am I going with this post?
No idea.
Do I want to spend more time with my family?
I love my family.
I wish they could understand me without my having to explain myself to them.
I wish they could accept ALL my quirks, beliefs, decisions, and not question them or berate them, or belittle them because doing so makes me feel like I don't know what I am doing with my life... when I know that I have made the right decisions for me.
I wish we could talk as easily as I talked to my friends.
I wish they would pick up the phone and call me once in a while ... because it goes both ways.
I want to appreciate the family I have, simply because it is the only family I have. We should spend more time together, the kids won't be little for long. Dad won't be around forever. We are all getting older... time, you know...

ah whatever...
I'm going to bed!

I went to class tonight
and took the "correct" exit home

I'm so proud of myself

I broke the habit
and started a new one!

I rock! *DF does a little dance*

OK...
so it's not that big a deal
but I take my victories where I can get them!

I really have nothing to say
I was on a roll for a few days
then my family called...

now I have nothing

I get to drive for 4 hours... See family I haven't seem for 6 months or more, in some cases
maybe sleep on an air mattress or the couch
then drive for another 4 hours home.

And all I want to do is sleep.

All this for my nieces 1st birthday.
I still don't understand why people throw huge parties for a one year old.
It's not like she's going to remember it.
I understand, it is a really good excuse for the family to get together.
But really...
So I am going, of course. So I won't be blogging.
Sorry.
Maybe I'll have something to talk about again when I get back.



I went to bed early last night.
and am about to do the same tonight.

Maybe I can manage to finish my book before falling asleep with the light on... Again.

I was thinking about it...
as I was sitting here with my cup of peppermint tea,
about how much I enjoy tea.
I love the relaxed sensation it brings to your whole body.
The warmth and comfort that envelops your fingers and soul just from holding a warm mug and taking those first few sips.

I have friends who look forward to going home and sitting having tea with their family.
Tea is what brings them together.

There are a couple of friends that I share a mug with.
For me though, the type of tea is what matters most, whether I be alone or with friends.

There's the classic Red Rose (orange Pekoe, black tea) - that's great in winter with Mom, the only tea I put milk and sugar in. I admit I don't drink it as much anymore... But I still like it every now and then.
Green tea... A favourite. Nice and flavourful. I like this in the morning and after meals. It perks me up and keeps me going.
BUT!!!
White tea has become the absolute now... it has a lighter flavour and is sweeter than green. And well... I just can't describe it, but I love it. I have it almost every day... usually a pot a day.

My relaxing with Firefly tea is the perfectly Pear White Tea... Delicious. Although we have been known to switch it up... But the pear is sweet and clean tasting all at the same time.
I love my peppermint for upset tummy's and to cleanse the pallet. Or if I just want something strong and refreshing.
Raspberry is great if I need ... um... tart and fruity?
Earl Gray, warm and fragrant, reminds me of conversations with my sister. A comforting favourite.


I was given a catalogue of tea by a guy in my french class (don't get excited - il a une copaine) and the teas in the book - well most didn't appeal to me... there are few greens or whites, which I drink the most frequently. The Indian Rooibos that my sister introduced me to has become a fast favourite as well. And in the catalogue there is a limited supply of that "flavour" as well. It disappointed me.

I find it fascinating how comforting it is to sit with a cup of tea, a favourite flavour, one fitting to one's mood and find instant relaxation, friendship or release.

Now if you don't mind...
my cup is empty.

There is a hierarchy of needs
There five things that you have to have in life to be complete.

The Self-Actualization Needs: Self-Fulfillment
Personal Needs: Status, Respect, Prestige.
Social Needs: Friendship, Belonging, Love.
Safety Needs: Freedom from Harm, Financial Security.
Physiological Needs: Food, Water, Sex, Oxygen.

ok...

from the bottom...

physiological needs: the important ones? That means, you must eat, drink, breathe and have sex! So no sleeping in a box alone forever. Got it. I think I need to work on one of those.
Safety needs: um... Financially... I need to start saving for the future or as a retiree I will have problems with 2 of the previously mentioned needs. And from harm... I feel much safer in my new digs! I believe this one includes a home, or safe haven of sorts too... Once again.. Not a box outside, exposed to the elements. There must be a feeling of security and safety there... So on this one, right now at least, I am good.
Social needs: This one is the easiest for me... I have great friends, I like them and I know that at least a couple of them love me. Love... I have the love of my family - I just choose not to visit them!!! (this week)
Personal needs: your position or rank, I assume that means freedom or lack of incarceration and therefore freedom within society... (which I have) Respect - of self and others around you (I hope so, but I like me, so does that count?) And Prestige? The power to impress or influence... That doesn't sound like me, yet, I seem to be the one people come to for advice, so I assume it applies.
Self-Actualization needs: awareness of one, and the ability to take care of your own needs above and beyond the basics.

I remember in high school when we first learned of this... The comparison to the stone age family and the family of today.
Basic needs were a dry cave, lots of prey (good hunting), and fresh water supply - close to the watering hole. The list goes on...
But today, the things we list as important are so different. Must have's cell, internet, iPod, bed and somewhere to put it, transportation...
I found it fascinating in high school, I am still slightly intrigued.

So I looked at my life.
Then I looked around.
And I realized that someone I know is not having their needs met.
Sure... On the outside, there is the food, water, oxygen, freedom from harm... Friendship ...
but the proper food (diet) and sense of belonging and love. Respect and status are all missing.
The sense of security in the home isn't there either.
And to help, means giving up many of my own "needs".
How do you help someone when you've just gotten the hang of helping yourself?
It's been a long day.
It's been a long post.
Sometimes that's the way it goes.

I need to make a list.
A list of qualities I want and don't want in a man
Because there's too many freaky people out there
And I have a habit of finding them

I know I've written about this before
But I keep finding new and "exciting" things to add to the list.

He must cook (not just make toast - I mean a meal, not KD either)
Clean - that's doing laundry, vacuuming, toilets...
Not live at home, cause Mom can't have been looking after you your whole life.
Personal hygeine is essential - please brush your teeth, shower
Sports - you can like them, cause I like some too, but if it means missing work, or not having a conversation, then seriously - you need to go away.

there's also the... EEWWW EW EW EW factor... cause it turns out I am vain. (Oh yes - the blind date incident) I can't look at you and be repulsed.

I know there's more, but I can't think of them right now...
They will come...
thank goodness for the edit button!

How can I describe it
How can I explain
There is a calmness that is in me
and a quiet that has come
finally

I see how stressed I was over the last 2 months and I want to apologize to everyone I love
and thank them for their support
Stress makes me selfish
and self-involved

I forget how to be a person
I forget to have conversations
I don't spend enough time with other human beings engaging in real conversations with give and take and actual thought
My brain synapses have become lapse or stagnant

Writing is difficult
as there is nothing to say
and the words are all hidden

there are things that I know...

I know that I am nothing without my friends
I know that I love my apartment
I know that I am frustrated with the dregs of humanity that have come traipsing into my place of work (cause seriously, can they be any more stupid?) ~ this sentence proves that I am functioning on a less than perfect level myself ~ But whatever, it's my blog!
I know I am dissatisfied with my French class - mostly because of the teacher (or lack thereof), and the fact that I am teaching myself a language and I have no idea what I am trying to learn. I also have no one to practice it with, who knows what they are saying. I feel like it is a lost cause.
I know that somewhere amongst this calm and sedentary brain of mine I am going to be fine.

I know I am tired of movie title blog titles.

I know... that I am home.

I walked in the door today to the best sight ever.

The little light on my modem was lit.
That one above the letters DSL.

I finally have my high-speed back.

Of course, yesterday I got home to NO PHONE at all...
Cause, why fix the DSL line, when you can just turn off the whole phone and NOT solve the problem?

I came home tonight
turned on the computer
called a friend
and started IMing people

caught up with friends... yup - you know who you are!

and...

I will write something of substance later.
I want to see what everyone else has been doing for the last week.
Then I am going to bed.