... and into the Light

I was thinking about my New Year’s Resolutions. What are they? What do I resolve for myself? Do I resolve to be thinner, to be healthier, to fall in love? Do I resolve to be a better person, kinder and more generous? Do I resolve to think of others first, and to give until I have nothing more to give? Or do I resolve to think of myself more, to take the steps that I have to take to become whole again, and to be released from the prison in which I find myself?

I think of all the things that people resolve to do, their resolutions are all about themselves. I assume that self-analysis is due to the start of the new year and the feeling that one has a clean slate. One feels that one can forget the “mistakes” of the past year and begin again making the same mistakes that they previously made. Is that what a resolution gives you? The freedom to begin again. The freedom to live as though all the lessons of the last year weren’t absorbed and don’t need to be acknowledged. I wonder if there is a lesson there.

I resolve to acknowledge my life lessons from 2006, and carry those lessons into 2007 all the while living my life as though I have the freedom to be the person I want to be.
I resolve to attempt to break down the walls I have built within myself and I resolve to do so with all the effort I can muster.
I resolve to become bilingual as it is something I have always wanted.

I hope that everyone has a good year, surpassing the events and attitudes of 2006. I wish everyone the insight to remember their goals and ideals throughout the year. I wish for people to remember that a positive attitude reaps positive attitudes in those around you. A smile begets a smile and a little love goes a long way.

I got up today thinking how nice it would be to start the year off with a clean house...
So I stripped my bed, started laundry, and have been cleaning ever since.

I vacuumed, went on garbage patrol, took out the recycling, dusted, scrubbed the bathroom...
The only thing left is to wash the floor.

I feel like I have actually accomplished something today.
It makes me feel better.
Just a little.

Just 2 more sleeps until Santa comes.
well...
one sleep if you take sleeping pills and sleep through tomorrow.

I can see the excitment of the kids now... it's infectious.

It is fascinating that Santa is a mystical and magical person. Yet as soon as he arrives in person (like at a Christmas Party) there are kids that freak out, cry shirk away in fear. The myth of Santa is more fascinating than the real thing.

I miss snow.
I never thought I would say that, but it just isn't Christmas without snow.
I am glad I am off work and able to be here with my family. The kids make it all worth it.
My sister-in-law has been great, and she understands that sometimes I need to be alone.

I traveled to Windsor to see everyone, I got here first so I get a bed. HURRAY!
George came too - he brought his own bed! hehehe

I feel in my heart that if I was alone at home, I would be in a horrid state. I feel loved and part of a family right now. It's difficult to explain, I know I have family and I know they worry about me, but being in the same house as them, helping them, and playing with the kids - it just reinforces the feelings of family. I am actually looking forward to Christmas morning. I want to see the kids open presents and see their faces as they find the gifts from Santa.

I miss my friends at home.
But I am glad I am here.
The only thing missing is snow.
It's a green Christmas...

mind you, there's 2 days left.

Too much coffee...
I guess after a cleanse caffeine is "full strength" and man... I am wide awake.
I mean it's 5:30am and I am still awake.
A good lesson if you want to know.
But I'm gonna be on right grumpy git today if I don't get some sleep.

Oh... I should mention I've been reading Harry Potter again... 3 hours in one night and I start speaking with my accent!

Blimey!
We'll... since I can't sleep, I guess I'll go finish Order of the Pheonix nothing else to do... no one's awake.

At what point does it become too weird to leave the house? How much has to happen before you say “you know, I think the fates are telling me to just stay home.”

I had a day like that.

First I was running late - I slept in and it all started from there… when I rushed outside - 20 minutes behind schedule I found a screw in my tire and my tire nearly flat. I zipped to the corner gas station and filled up my tank and my tire. Then called the tire dealer where I had purchased those tires 3 months ago… they weren’t open.. So I headed to the local Canadian Tire store where they were kind enough to fix my tire immediately. It was there (5 minutes from my house) that I realized I didn’t have the tickets for the show I was going to that night in Toronto… a good thing I remembered while I was in Niagara Falls as I would have hated to have to turn around when I was halfway to Toronto.
I had to call my Aunt and Uncle because there house is where I was supposed to be - as it is my Uncles Birthday. They said they were leaving at 4:10pm for an early dinner and I had to be there before that if I wanted to see him.

I also called Firefly to tell her what was going on… and that I had forgotten the tickets, definitely not my finest hour.

I got to my Uncles at 3:40pm and had realized that I no longer had my cell phone with me. Of course… I hadn’t remembered anything else… but the last place I remember my phone was at Canadian Tire. So I called Canadian Tire.. They had my phone and would hold it.. And he informed me that someone had called looking for me and that’s how they knew it was my phone. Nice guy actually - names Troy, he has a girlfriend. I wasn’t at Canadian Tire long - but I feel like I made a friend.

I left my Uncles at 4:10 with everyone else, and headed into Toronto.
That drive was pleasant, I found Firefly’s work no problem and I changed in to “pretty” clothes before we headed out.
I was taking her on a “date (without sex)” to the Rockettes Christmas Spectacular that was going on in Toronto.
The show.. Well, between wanting to laugh at the dancers, and being mesmerized by the Rockettes; counting the camels and sheep that appeared on stage, and losing track of a snowman, it really was a good show. The costumes were pretty cool and the set design was really nice.
I think the best was being there with someone I could make comments too during the show.

Afterwards, we stopped at Second Cup for a Gingerbread Latte (like we needed caffeine) and then decided on sushi for a late dinner. Overall a really good date. Laughing and horsing around…
So much better than the beginning of my day, but at least now I can laugh, cause really, it could have been worse.

Well.. It’s day 11 and I am ready to give up. The “mucus” phase hasn’t really started yet - but I am really hungry so I am going to have to come off… I can’t say this has been pleasant.. But it has worked. I am skinnier than ever, I hope I keep most of the weight off. My mind is clear, although I can feel the depth of the depression as I have never felt it before. I don’t feel as foggy and stifled as I normally do... But I have to say - enough is enough!

So today is the last day of the tonics and tomorrow is Juice only.. Then I will make my soup on Wednesday. Thank GOD!!!

I am proud of myself for making it as long as I did.. And I know that I will do this again in the future… just not right now.

My computer keeps shutting down explorer… that’s why the posts aren’t showing up.. I write then Windows shuts down… so they don’t post. Very aggravating.

This is a crazy week - George goes for a “manicure and pedicure” today - I have the chiropractor in the morning tomorrow then have to go get my heath card renewed… Wednesday the chick from my insurance company is doing a home visit (to make sure I am not faking my depression and anxiety) and I have class Wednesday night (I still have to do my homework for that class too… damn.. And study for the final next week). And Thursday I see my doctor and we’ll see what medications she puts me on next.

Friday is my friends Birthday - she is home from B.C. and wants me to go to London to see her. I don’t know if I can make this trip alone... I will have to see what happens during the week. Besides I don’t money for a hotel room so it’s going to depend on if I have a place to stay.

Oh well… I guess that is all I have to say right now.

It’s almost over and I am glad.. Whoohoo!

I posted a day 3 post yesterday, but it seems to have disappeared. Oh well.

Day 4...
This cleanse is interesting. I can see the effects of it, the "toxins" being flushed from my body. I have even restarted drinking the "tonic" as it was mean to be. I guess I did get used to it.
And it's still the same, at night I get hungry... but there is nothing I want. And I am in this too far to give up now.

I guess it means a lot to me.

I have realized that this is a full time job... so glad I am not at work right now. Making the "tonic" every hour or 2, the flushing the tea... it takes a lot of time. I know I am doing it right.. compared to others that I know have done it, but DAMN!!! I am supposed to go shopping with a friend today,and don't know if I should pack a "tonic" to take with me. Even if I have one before going out. Sometimes I get "hungry" and need another one in an hour.. other times it's 2 hours, and I don't know how long we will be out. It's all a guessing game.

Alors, c'est la vie. Or at least, the life I have made for myself anyway!

I believe I am running out of titles for these posts. That's OK though... It isn't the heading it's the content.

I started the Master Cleanser "diet". Because I need to detox... Get everything out of my system. I have been on some sort of medication for my mood/migraines since I was 16 and as I am about to change medications again I thought now would be a good time to do it. My Doctor agreed (which is nice).

Now.. I have a friend who tried this cleanse a year ago... And couldn't handle it. The lemonade/maple drink is NASTY!!!
But today, I think I came up with a solution. I make the lemonade but just take the maple syrup like medicine.. Cause it's too gross in the "tea". If I take it together like that it will still work, right?

But it is better that way.
I'm already noticing things changing. Within my body. That alone will keep me going.
Day 1 was yesterday... Only 9 more to go.

I had forgotten what it was like to be held.
That feeling of safety and security.
That coziness that comes with being held and caressed all night.

The one thing that a single person does not want to admit (out loud) is that they are lonely. And tired of being alone.
I have spent the last couple of years avoiding being in a relationship because of my disorder. And the while I have been quite content, yet underneath I have been a little lonely. My friends are fantastic, I have kept a busy schedule and not really thought about what was really bothering me.

I don't know if I found him... But I am much more comfortable around him than I have been with anyone else - EVER!
It's nice.. And I don't want to jinx it.