... and into the Light

How badly I want to call work and ask if I can stay home?

I don't want to go, for no reason at all.
I just don't want to go .
I'd rather stay home, read, watch movies, maybe go for a walk...

Not do anything.

But I did that yesterday... sans the walk...

What a lazy day... It was great!!! heheheh

I want to do it again...

Damn... I should really get moving...
stupid work.

It's happening again.

Locked inside my brain is the secret to it all. And there is absolutely no reason for it.
Once again, they appear. Sometimes one or two. Sometimes all five. Usually I see them or am on my way to find them. But I know they are there and I will be with them soon enough.
The extent of the meeting is different every time. On the street, at a show. In the office. Maybe they are coming to my work and I get to escort them around the building.

I do believe that my obsession has reached peak levels and I am bordering on psychosis now...
or I need a life.

Or maybe I'm just upset that I couldn't get tickets to the BNL concert in T.O. on Nov. 25th...
I think I'll stick with that one...

On second thought, the dreams wouldn't be so bad, if they had a touch of eroticism in them... But seriously, they don't... What the HELL is wrong with me?!?!?!

I was chatting with a friend the other day about - of all things - cookies. No, not computer cookies (which I am sorry to say I really don't completely understand) but the best kind of cookies. The cookies that are only available at certain times of the year and are sold door to door. The kind of coolies that some people love and some people hate.

And yes - the most expensive box of damn cookies EVER!!!

The Girl Guide cookie.
And the Mint Chocolate Girl Guide cookie at that.

Essentially this is how the conversation went.

DF: Damn. I would love me some mint chocolate Girl Guide Cookies.
BC: Really? Not the cream filled kind?
DF: No. They suck. I hate cream filled cookies - except for Raspberry Fruit Cremes - they Rock... but I really only like the Mint Chocolate Girl Guide Cookies.
BC: Okay.
DF: If any Guides come to the door will you get me a box and I'll pay you back - or hell - I'll give you money to keep by the door incase any come?!?!?!?
BC: I haven't had Girl Guides come to the door ever... but I'll get you them for sure.
DF: The mint chocolate kind...OK!
BC: Don't worry!

I know it is weird that I actually wanted a cookie... with how well I have been doing lately it I was a weak moment I was having when I actually wanted a cookie - but these cookies really do rock.

So tonight while I was chatting on the phone with my fave girl Firefly, there was a knock on my door. It was my girl BC... with a box of MINT CHOCOLATE Girl Guide cookies. Poor Firefly had to endure my screaming in her ear as my excitement reached peak levels. How ironic that days after that initial conversation a real life Girl Guide showed up at the door with the exact cookie I had been craving...

If only I still wanted one...

But later my sweets - you will be mine!!!!

I was raping Firefly's archives and going through other blogs today mostly because I had the time thanks to a day off work and a few free hours... And the fact that my house is clean... whoohoo!!!

During my readings I realized that I really haven't written anything interesting about me in a while. Sure I have had a couple of moments of deep insight, but there really hasn't been anything about me. It isn't that there is nothing going on, it is that there is someone reading my blog that I don't want knowing these inner workings. It makes me uncomfortable. I have asked this person to spot - but naturally, I am ignored...as always.

I have to get past this discomfort and begin writing and releasing again... Or go the route of Paige and begin anew...

In the meantime...

Today... I got to spend time with myself. When was the last time anyone really did that? And I realized that I don't like to be alone anymore. I used to enjoy that quiet time; reading, watching T.V., doing puzzles.

Today I spent an hour looking through blogs and archives just because I didn't want to sit still... I am not manic... no.. I just didn't want to feel lonely, and archives bring me closer to my friends...
I was lucky enough to find Firefly and another friend and my sister on Messenger and chatted with them. But they all had to go to work... so the afternoon I was all alone.

I didn't even want to watch Fraggle Rock... And I still have 3 disks left.

What has changed that I don't like being alone?
Have I become so busy or gotten so used to my routine that I am unable to deal with change within it! I ended up eating too much and feeling sick all afternoon... Now there is no aerobics class to go too and it is too cold to go for a walk - besides I am a baby when it comes to the outside in the rain!

I could have gone to the mall... But then I might have spent money... and I did enough of that this weekend.

Maybe I am too boring even for myself? Or maybe it was a highly stressful morning and as much as I don't want to talk about my morning the afternoon was too quiet and if I didn't find ways to amuse my mind I would have thought about it and broke down in tears.

Maybe I should post about the morning so I don't do that very thing.
Sometimes raping archives is beneficial and sometimes it isn't...
I can't decide which today was.
But I was amused.

We were walking through the grocery section, looking at... well... the groceries. Firefly opened a can of beer (which I know she drinks oh so rarely and it wasn't even her brand) and I opened an orange and cream vodka Twister...

We were in a Wal-Mart. Shopping and acting like this was completely normal.
What kind of dream was I having?

So either, I need to spend more time drinking with Firefly??? Oh yeah!!!
Or I need to get drunk before going to Wal-Mart!

That definitely falls in the what the ? dream category!

oh well... I'm off to work. At least it's relatively normal there.

Even though it is pouring rain and the roads are starting to flood...
I have been giggling since I got home.

My Mom bought me pens.
Not just any pens. But SpongeBob pens. SpongeBob pens that light up...
They rock!!!
I feel the urge to write a letter...

Oh and of course there's the purchase I made on my own.

I am almost embarrassed to admit this one... hehehe...

Fraggle Rock. Season 1 on DVD...
Oh yeah...

Dance your Cares away!!!

I have some TV to watch!!!!

I was thinking about writing about first crushes.
I was going to write about my weekend in Kincardine with R - but she's 12 and really good at it.
I was thinking about writing about how proud I am to have officially lost over 50 pounds since Christmas...

But these things don't really matter.

I am really just happy to be home.
I went to work today and I was in a good mood - I did my job and had a relatively good day - compared to what it could have been anyway. I got to leave 30 minutes early...
And now I am happy to be home.

There's really nothing else to say.
Life moves on in its infinite way.

I am one of those people who is always there for my friends. They can count on me to listen when they are having a problem. They know I will drive (for hours, if necessary) to be there when they need a helping hand. I'll give my last dollar so they can buy lunch even if it means I don't eat. I'll stay up all night on the phone listening as they rant about the latest crazy thing that happened in their life... I offer the best advice I can in times of need... That's just the way I am.

Right now, I am in the midst of my own life and in the swing of everything...
well...
I must commend my friends for laughing at me during this amusing time of trials and dating...

You guys RAWK!!!

I have some really good ideas - and I'm pretty sure I'll know when I find him, but the more I think about this the harder it is for me to come up with an answer.

A friend told me I am too picky.
Another told me that he will show up when the time is right.
I thought I had him, but he wasn't ready for me...

I know what is acceptable in a relationship and what isn't for me... but at what point can you bring that up.

I just want someone that makes me laugh, that I can have a good time with, that is active and will do anything with me - leave the house, stay in, explore new places...
Someone that I want to spend time with and who wants to spend time with me and who I find attractive.
Not that I find repulsive and cringe at the thought of his touching me.

I need him to accept and understand that I won't have kids of my own, I don't want a wedding, and I never will... I will elope though. These are the things that are the core of me, that I can't negotiate... They are part of who I am. He has to understand the bi-ploar, and be willing to learn about it and read the signs of me.

I don't think I am picky - I just have grown to not want to play games and I find myself in the midst of one...
It's called the dating game...
I hate it

I thought I had something.
But then my brain emptied and there was nothing but... blank thoughts...
I think I am too tired.
I wonder if there is too much going on and but it isn't anything that is serious anymore either.

It's all little stuff.
Too many little life things that all add up to brain overload and my wanting to go to bed early and catch up on some sleep...

But as for right now...
I got nothing.

I sometimes forget to call. I sometimes get self-absorbed. I occasionally get caught up in the lives of a select few of my friends.

Tonight I went out for dinner with a 'occasional' friend from work. We drove to the BEST pizza place in Ontario. It is in Oakville and that's the closest one to our house. Basically we drove for an hour for pizza... and it was great. We had a great chat, laughing at some of the idiots we work with and chatting about life, love and how to get revenge on our enemies... still looking for ideas, by the way. Anyone? Beuller??

It is 2 hours since I ate and I can still taste the Donair Panzoratti I had... Yummy!!!

Dearest Shadow

Thank you for your wonderful insight.
I have to respond to your points one at a time.

1. Your food: Darlin', you are too picky. You barely eat as it is. How can I justify filling your dish when you barely eat a fifth of it twice a day... smarten up.. It goes stale because you take your sweet ass time eating and picking at it all day. And I watch you spit the fresh food out on floor too. Stop it it's gross.

2. I disagree. You are my plaything, my confidant and my foot warmer. You play at my convenience and will sleep when I am at work or when I am sleeping. All other hours are mine to do with you as I see fit.

3. I will pick you up when ever I damn well please... and you will like it. The purrs are greatly appreciated.

4. I throw you across the room when you walk on me when you wake me up. I do appreciate you telling me my bladder is full, however, I do have the ability to wake myself up for that, so cut it out.

5. I don't vacuum for my pleasure. I vacuum to annoy you when you are sleeping as you should be awake when I am home... See rule #2.

6. No - the bird is mine. He's annoying too - but neither one of us is allowed to kill, hurt or maim him in any way... I yell at you to leave him alone for your own safety. Beside I don't want to take you to the vet... I cringe at the thought of the emergency vet bill for stitches and shots... Leave him alone. Really.

7. The laser pointer is only fun for a minute and only if you run into the wall. Or spin in circles.

8. Children annoy me too. I agree. Lets not have them in the house. But sometimes - they have to visit. Be nice or hide.

9. Stop scratching me and I'll stop clipping your nails. Oh - and when you stop stalking the bird I'll consider this one too.

10. Catnip makes you crazy. Treats are a treat only if given occasionally. Stop begging - it's unbecoming someone of your stature.

11. I agree. Clean it yourself.

12. I agree. Get a job. Pay the bills and I'll stay home and sleep all day.

One more thing... The shower is not your personal water fountain... Stop going in there after I shower. I am tired of the little kitty footprints all over the bathroom every morning. Although watching you suck the water from my dripping hair is quite amusing.

As long as you cooperate with me, I'll continue to get you your shots and buy you the good food and the nice smelling litter. I'll even through in a couple of mice. Got it... Good.

DF

To Whom it may Concern

I feel it necessary to relay a few of my concerns of late.

1. I am deeply dissatisfied with the amount of food in my dish and feel the the aforementioned dish should never be more than half full and the remnants of said dish should not be topped up - but disposed of before being refilled. I WILL NOT eat stale food.
Or, as you can see, I shall continue to leave the stale bits scattered around the kitchen floor for your bare-footed walking pleasure.

2. I am not your plaything. I will not play at your convenience. You are my pet and you will play at mine. I do not care that you want to sleep, or eat, or go to work... I have been sleeping and have my energy when I have it. You will play when I give the command - which by the way is one very shall chirp-like meow.

3. I do no like to be picked up. EVER. Not when I am sleeping. Not when you are using the toilet. Not for any reason. Although the shoulder massage is quite nice.

4. I walk on you when you are sleeping because I want something... GET up and follow me.

5. This is my house. I don't like the vacuum. Don't do that while I am sleeping or eating.

6. The bird is my possession as he lives in my house. I'll chase him if I please. I have other toys onto he floor - if he's on the floor he's mine too!

7. The laser pointer is fun... Use it more often.

8. Children annoy me. They break every rule. Do not let them in the house.

9. I only scratch the couch because you clip my toenails. Stop clipping my toenails and I'll leave the couch alone.

10. Catnip and treats are meant to be given daily... DAILY!!!

11. My litter box is gross... Do something about it.

12. Your working interferes with my cuddle time. Don't go anymore.

your cooperation in these matters is expected and any deviation will result in more scratching and night wakings.
Shadow